19yo DD failed her freshman year and now is at home refusing to work or go to school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority here, but I wouldn’t start with ultimatums like if you don’t do this, we will take away this. Why not have a discussion about what she sees as her next steps and her future plans overall? Ask if she would be willing to see a therapist. Maybe she would like to.

About the drinking, say that you don’t want her to hurt herself or others by driving if she has been drinking. Say that you will always pay for an Uber for her, or offer to drive her and pick her up. If she insists on drinking and driving, this is where you would have to say regretfully that you can’t allow her to take the chance of an accident that would seriously harm her future.

Maybe she just needs to rest and plan her next steps. She is likely to make a plan eventually and move forward and not stay in this holding pattern forever. Don’t set up a dynamic in which she digs in her heels because you are pushing. If she will see a therapist, let the therapist be the one to have the discussions needed with her.

This, and I feel like everyone is massively overblowing the drinking. If every 19 year old who drank needed rehab, colleges and universities would be converted into residential treatment facilities. Good lord.

Tell her it's time to pull up her big girl panties. She cannot keep coming home shit faced and screaming at you guys. How was this even allowed to begin?! You are in a position to demand that she not come home being disrespectful and she can't drive drunk.

She needs tough love, not to be treated like a child. Taking away her phone, threatening XYZ is going to make her defensive. Those things should only be last resorts.

[Anonymous]

And wtf at "She doesn't want to go to Community College." Tell her she needs to start somewhere and that if she's living at home for free you expect her to take a couple gen eds a semester and pick up part time work.