The Hidden Burden on Middle-Class Families in Public Schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who bypassed public schools and felt "guilty." My personal feeling about public school--and private, for that matter--is that no school is going to give your child everything h/she needs, so be prepared to pay out of pocket for extra tutoring or enrichment. That's what I've always done. It's built into our budget. I know many other families who didn't but who spent comparable amounts on travel sports, private sport lessons, and athletic coaches.

Totally agree! I never concerned myself too much with the whole "good vs. Bad" school, private vs. public, etc. because a lot of the experience is what you as parents make of it and what you do outside of school. It’s about helping your kids stay on track, raising them to be kind humans who can talk to you about anything, know about consent, and have some common sense and decency.

As an educator, and a child of an entire family of educators, school fear mongering kills me. It’s often just code for poverty and fear of people of color. I went to high school that was 15% white and 65% under the poverty line. It was an application magnet so there was *some* filtering, but basically if you came to school regularly as a middle schooler, could write a coherent essay, and didn't totally f around you could go there. Loved it. So many successful people have come from there.

Honestly, all schools are what you make of them. An academically rigorous education can be gotten at the vast, vast majority of schools in the DC area. Some certainly have more challenging learning/social environments but -- at least in MCPS where I am -- there are so many unique and excellent programs depending on your child’s interest. Arts, IB diplomas, STEM, foreign language, hell even aviation.

the filter is key - it's the big difference between private and public. I suggest you work for a while in a school with no application process to see just how bad it gets.

+1. It’s clear that PP is unfamiliar with high schools where an entire 9th grade class is reading at a second grade or lower level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no one really wants your white kid at an almost all minority public school. You think you are doing us a favor by enrolling your child as if it is some altruistic sacrifice but in actuality we find you incredibly annoying and entitled. There are actually majority minority schools that are doing well. There are incredibly bright and academically advanced students at our school.

Let's be honest now. You are at our almost all FARM public school because:

a) You can't really afford private school even though your act like you can

b)Your kid is a massive behavior problem/ has intense needs (but you just think they are a "free spirit" and so original). We all know no private school will take them or they have been kicked out of one or more private schools. As a result so many of the kids at our school think white kids are odd.

c) You have this white savior complex and think you are somehow blessing us with your presence. Then you want to come and run things and show us how it is done. You demand an overabundance of time with teachers and administrators.

d) Your kid isn't that smart and can't compete with the high performing students in a super high performing school. So you think by having your kid enroll at our school they will be the top student in the grade.

This is so mean. Why do you hate white people so much?

No hate. PP is stating reality. I’ve seen this myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is an increasing number of kids have serious special needs. That, combined with the theory that integrating special needs kids is better for all of them, creates a perfect storm where no ones needs are actually being met. My kids went to a top elementary school in a high income area and many of the kids either 1) didn't speak English as a first language well 2) were autistic (enough that they needed headphones and/or an adult assistant) 3) the kids of neurosurgeons and constitutional lawyers

Who can manage that?

It’s increasingly obvious parents are perpetrating fraud and taking unfair advantage of the system to get their kids ahead.

NPR had a piece on stats compiled by university offices of disabilities (required under the ADA). At some universities (particularly in the west), up to 25% of current students are “disabled” - usually arriving from HS with a 504 plan or IEP.

When the author adjusted out the international students (who almost never claim disability), the rate of “disabled college kids” approached 40%.

I simply do not believe 40% of our youth are genuinely disabled. I do believe there are many selfish, unethical parents out there who are willing to cheat.

You may not believe it, but it’s true. In fact, 40% is too low. Nearly every student today has ADHD, and has at least one parent with ADHD as well. Once you start asking around, you’ll see this for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it better for the public school if they get your money but don't need to provide you any services than if you enroll your kids there and they take time and resources away from more needy kids? From my perspective the best way to support public is to give them money by paying taxes and then save their resources by enrolling your kids elsewhere.

No, a plurality of school funding comes from state/federal level, not the local district. So the school is still losing out on resources it could otherwise be getting by you not sending your kids.

?? I also pay state and federal taxes, so they get that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s something I’ve noticed more clearly as my kids get older — especially in progressive or urban public school spaces — and I wonder if others feel it too.

There’s this quiet but powerful expectation that middle- and upper-middle-class families (especially with “easy” kids) have a social obligation to stay in the public system. That we should “share space” with higher-needs peers — not just in theory, but in the actual experience of the classroom: absorbing disruptions, lowered expectations, limited differentiation, and the constant shifting of instructional time toward emotional or behavioral management.

The message isn’t always explicit, but it’s there: If you leave, you’re abandoning equity. If you stay, your child’s stability is the price you pay.

Meanwhile, families who are truly wealthy — who can afford $45K+/year private schools without blinking — face no such guilt. They opt out completely, and no one expects them to justify it. But the “responsibility” of sticking it out seems to land squarely on the shoulders of those who are just well off enough to have options, but not wealthy enough to float above the system entirely.

Of course high-needs students deserve support. But what often gets lost is that your average, well-behaved, academically prepared child also deserves to learn in peace, at a steady pace, with teachers who are able to teach — not just manage. And when that kind of classroom becomes rare, families like mine are left with a false choice: stay and sacrifice growth, or leave and be labeled selfish.

At some point, I stopped feeling guilty for choosing clarity, structure, and consistency — even if that means looking outside the traditional public system.

Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s

[Anonymous]

Do UMC and MC families sometimes feel pressure to stay in public? Yes. Where does that pressure come from? Not from poor families. Not from politicians or administrators.

It comes from other UMC and MC families. Why? Because they want to keep socioeconomic peers in the public system. If all the UMC and half the MC families ditch for private, the remaining families DO carry a major burden in the public system. Poor families generally don't have the resources to be very involved. So it will fall on the few MC or UMC families at the school. Whereas if there are lots of MC and UMC families, school engagement and involvement is more spread out and doesn't feel so thankless and miserable.

So the pressure to stay in public is not, in itself, a burden. Stay or go. But for the families that stay, they will carry a heavier burden thanks to those that go. Should you feel guilty about that? I think guilty is a fairly useless emotion. But I don't blame the families left behind for their frustration. The truth is that the public system works best when the participation rates are high. It's a collective action issue. But if you've ever been in a district where all the MC and UMC families go to public school, you've seen it -- these tend to be successful, sought after districts. But it doesn't work when it's just a handful of families. You need critical mass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

[Anonymous]

I'm tired of the line that poor families don't have the resources to be involved. Throughout history poor families have always come together to support their kids and communities. SO I'm not sure why they get a pass now.

Also, I'm sick of the push to have charter schools help fill a gap. If they are going to give charter schools more freedom to secure outside funding or implement new programs, or less regulations, why not just make that available to ALL public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

Then you had better hope you spot is secure in a k-12 school because if the high performing public kids start going en-mass to private, your kid may not get a spot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

Higher than manageable*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

I kinda doubt most kids of any socioeconomic background can read when they start K. Where did you get that idea from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

I kinda doubt most kids of any socioeconomic background can read when they start K. Where did you get that idea from?

I was able to read books in preschool and my spouse was reading when they were 3 years old. It’s absurd to me that a kid that is 5 or 6 is not able to read when they start kindergarten. Only kids that are stupid or have uninvolved parents don’t know how to read by this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

I kinda doubt most kids of any socioeconomic background can read when they start K. Where did you get that idea from?

I was able to read books in preschool and my spouse was reading when they were 3 years old. It’s absurd to me that a kid that is 5 or 6 is not able to read when they start kindergarten. Only kids that are stupid or have uninvolved parents don’t know how to read by this age.

I mean this is just objectively untrue? I was also reading before kindergarten, but it's not the only sign of intelligence. My own kid wasn't and she was a 98th percentile reader by the beginning of third grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

This!

The FARMs rate has been trending up at almost every public school in the DC metro area. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a school under 20%. Fairfax county has gone from 10% in 1991 to 30% FARMs today. MOCO went from 13% to 41% in the same time period. Prince William county went from 10% to 43%. Prince George’s county went from 20% to 65%. Loudoun County went from 7%-23%. There is going to be a massive exodus of UMC, families to privates over the next decade because the number of places where school have higher manageable levels of economically deprived students is growing exponentially. Schools teach to the lowest common denominator and kids in your class don’t know how to read by the time they start kindergarten, kids with involved parents that do won’t learn anything for a couple years.

I kinda doubt most kids of any socioeconomic background can read when they start K. Where did you get that idea from?

I was able to read books in preschool and my spouse was reading when they were 3 years old. It’s absurd to me that a kid that is 5 or 6 is not able to read when they start kindergarten. Only kids that are stupid or have uninvolved parents don’t know how to read by this age.

It's not developmentally appropriate to sit your kid down and teach them to read that young. If they pick stuff up at storytime, fine, but kids are supposed to be playing outside and pretending at this age.

Only stupid parents don't know this.