My Ex is Constantly Punishing DS

[Anonymous]

We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad. The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me. He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights. One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid. I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home, which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

[Anonymous]

We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too.


The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're getting the haircut he orders."

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

Help DS head this off.

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he can make.

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

that's correct.

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here.

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

That's OK, it's not your call.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

THAT's the problem.

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too.


The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're getting the haircut he orders."

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

Help DS head this off.

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he can make.

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

that's correct.

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here.

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

That's OK, it's not your call.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

THAT's the problem.

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

I see your point, but I'm not sure I agree that we should hold our children to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. Like X-h should manage his emotions and his responses to what he perceives as DS is being rude better, too. I shouldn't expect a 10 year old to better regulate than a 42 year old.

[Anonymous]

"X-h should manage his emotions and his responses to what he perceives as DS is being rude better, too."

Quite likely, but what do you mean, specifically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"X-h should manage his emotions and his responses to what he perceives as DS is being rude better, too."

Quite likely, but what do you mean, specifically?

That he doesn't need to lose it, call him useless, a POS, ground him, etc. It seems like a disproportionate response to a minor infraction.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Umm Dad sounds abusive and it’s not within his rights to hit him. Maybe you are too permissive but Dad sounds like a nut case whose time with kid should be limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too.


The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're getting the haircut he orders."

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

Help DS head this off.

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he can make.

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

that's correct.

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here.

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

That's OK, it's not your call.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

THAT's the problem.

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

Wow, I disagree with everything you said. OP does not have to run interference for her ex's terrible, unsupportive and seemingly abusive parenting. What OP does have to do is being a loving, kind supportive parent to counteract the bad parenting as much as possible. I would suggest parenting therapy to cope, and to learn how to set gentle boundaries at home that don't overcompensate.

In the mean time, eventually go to court to get more custody when DS is old enough to have a say in it. I'd consult with a lawyer now to figure out when/how to best do that including documenting everything that is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

Regularly hitting a 10 year old is not being a parent. It's abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too.


The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're getting the haircut he orders."

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

Help DS head this off.

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he can make.

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

that's correct.

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here.

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

That's OK, it's not your call.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

THAT's the problem.

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

I see your point, but I'm not sure I agree that we should hold our children to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. Like X-h should manage his emotions and his responses to what he perceives as DS is being rude better, too. I shouldn't expect a 10 year old to better regulate than a 42 year old.

in fact, this is what highly punitive parents (like PP and your DH believe): that kids are responsible for making the adult mad, and should be punished for it and held to a higher standard of emotional regulation than the parent, who is allowed to hit out of anger to gain compliance, rather than using any of the many other available parenting techniques.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP is right here. The bolded responses : no thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

Regularly hitting a 10 year old is not being a parent. It's abuse.

Its bad parenting but if there are no marks or bruises its not abuse. Both parents are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too.


The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're getting the haircut he orders."

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

Help DS head this off.

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he can make.

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

that's correct.

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here.

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

That's OK, it's not your call.

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

THAT's the problem.

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid.

Bolded poster sounds like a total nut case.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is a bully and he knows it, so does your son. He physically bullies a 10 year old for control and power. You divorced him for a reason. One day when your son is bigger than this bully, he may physically defend himself.

You should document everything. Check your son for bruises and photograph. Speak to your lawyer. You have equal say on how your son is raised. Get to it. Start the process with an attorney. No judge will stand for physical abuse, whether CPS says its ex's right or not. He's hurting your child to hurt you. That's power because he believes you can do nothing about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a parenting issue with both of you. You are very clear too permissive and need to get ahold of it. He does what ever he wants with you and Dad is being a parent.

Regularly hitting a 10 year old is not being a parent. It's abuse.

Its bad parenting but if there are no marks or bruises its not abuse. Both parents are the problem.

I see no evidence that OP's issues are anywhere near her DH's.