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[quote=Anonymous]We share 50/50 custody and DS is 10.

My ex is punitive and not a kind person. I know this first-hand. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have married or had a kid with him. I hate myself enough for this that you don't need to flame me for that, thanks. It's killing me watching it extend to DS, I have no idea how to help. He's always mad about something DS says or does. DS is sassy, so I tried to explain to him that sometimes not saying something is the right choice in that moment, but knowing him, he probably gets a rise from clashing with his dad.

[b]The sassiness needs to stop. You're admitting this is a problem with your DS. You can get on the same page with XDH and acknowledge that you agree with him that it's a problem. You need to come down hard on it, too. [/b]

The problem is, X-H is slowly chipping away at kid's autonomy and self-esteem. He tells him he's no good at things and useless and wastes time, he criticizes his behavior, his shows, his clothes, etc. He'll cut DS's hair against his wishes, DS prefers when I cut it

[b]So then cut it before XDH needs to. (I'm reminded of the Pat Conroy novel "The Great Santini," where the dad would take his boys to the base exchange barbershop for haircuts. The protagonist, a stand-in  for the author, would request longer hair. The barber said "Son, your dad's a colonel. You're  getting the haircut he orders."[/b]

, by grounding him if he doesn't listen then gives him a hairstyle he doesn't want. I mean sure, DS will live with a hairstyle he doesn't want, but something about the overall behavior of dismissing DS's needs and wants and grounding him for every little mistake bothers me.

[b]Help DS head this off. [/b]

He also spanks or slaps him and we've gone over this together as parents, with just my DS and with therapy, X-H is convinced he's within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise.

[b]He is correct. He is within his rights and no one can tell him otherwise. He's his parent, too, and this is a choice he  can make. [/b]

Even CPS was involved at one point (I didn't call them) and what he took away from that interaction was that CPS commends him for hitting our kid as it's within his rights.

[b]that's correct. [/b]

One of the weird ways he punishes DS for rude behavior is to tell him that he's responsible for his own food during the day, so DS has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wants to eat. Again, not the end of the world, but I just cannot fathom how a parent won't feed their kid.

[b]He is feeding him in the sense that he's providing food. DS has to prepare it. Don't be so dramatic. And again, work on the rude behavior. This is a theme here. [/b]

I heard this from both my X and my son, so my son isn't exaggerating. My X thinks it's funny to have DS fend for himself for being rude. I mean, maybe? It just doesn't sit well with me.

[b]That's OK, it's not your call. [/b]

I don't know what to do, or if there's even something I could/should do. I know trying to communicate any of this to my ex will lead nowhere, I've tried before. I find myself over-compensating at my home,

[b]THAT's the problem. [/b]

which is not right nor is gonna help DS in the future. I know he needs to learn to deal with adversity but something about him being torn down and punished for what seems to me as minor infractions but often just breaks my heart. What can I do? What should I do? I'm hurting for my kid. [/quote]

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