Long-Distance Divorce, Primary Custody, Frequency of phone calls and visits?

[Anonymous]

I'm going through a divorce where my ex will live on one coast and I will live on the other. He agrees that it's best for our 6 year old son to live with me primarily. (He is a very loving father but does not have his life together and can barely take care of himself.) I want to foster a good relationship between him and my son, and I know he misses our son terribly and wants to see him as much as possible. He's very sad we will be living on opposite coasts and is in a bit of a tailspin about it. I'd like to set some sort of expectations so that not everything is "we will see." We are also trying to do this without court involvement, if possible. What is reasonable for phone/video calls with dad- maybe twice a week? What about visits? (Remember, he is young and can't fly alone that far.) I was thinking dad could try to come here maybe 3x/year and I could take son to other coast maybe 2x/year. Am I totally off base? I'm hesitant to commit to something like full summers there for kid, as his dad really needs to get his life together before that makes sense. I also don't think my kid would be able to go that long without me as he's quite attached. I mean, I'm sure he'd survive, I'm not trying to be self-centered, but it would be very hard for him emotionally as I know he feels more secure/safe with me. Just trying to get a sense for what others have done in similar situations, what is reasonable, etc. (Side note- child support is not in question here. We have a written agreement that neither of us will pay child support and I intend to honor it.)

[Anonymous]

Kid should spend summers and holidays with dad. Who ever moves away should pay for the tickets and fly the child back and forth. Daily phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Why can't dad read him a story each night via FaceTime? If you're East Coast, at 8pm it's 5pm in CA and dad can get off work, read DS a story and chat about his day for a half hour. That can be your time to shower, clean up the kitchen, whatever.

[Anonymous]

If his life isn’t together, why does he need to be on the opposite coast? Why can’t he fail locally?

Full summer with dad makes sense if dad has a place to live.

I’m worried that you are going to have primary custody and yet does seem to feel entitled to child support. I’m worried you don’t have a lawyer. I’m worried you’re letting emotions get in the way of getting a fair deal here.

I would not commit to you flying out there twice a year. That’s a lot.

How old is kid? I’ve sat next to unaccompanied minors as young as six and they were fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a divorce where my ex will live on one coast and I will live on the other. He agrees that it's best for our 6 year old son to live with me primarily. (He is a very loving father but does not have his life together and can barely take care of himself.) I want to foster a good relationship between him and my son, and I know he misses our son terribly and wants to see him as much as possible. He's very sad we will be living on opposite coasts and is in a bit of a tailspin about it. I'd like to set some sort of expectations so that not everything is "we will see." We are also trying to do this without court involvement, if possible. What is reasonable for phone/video calls with dad- maybe twice a week? What about visits? (Remember, he is young and can't fly alone that far.) I was thinking dad could try to come here maybe 3x/year and I could take son to other coast maybe 2x/year. Am I totally off base? I'm hesitant to commit to something like full summers there for kid, as his dad really needs to get his life together before that makes sense. I also don't think my kid would be able to go that long without me as he's quite attached. I mean, I'm sure he'd survive, I'm not trying to be self-centered, but it would be very hard for him emotionally as I know he feels more secure/safe with me. Just trying to get a sense for what others have done in similar situations, what is reasonable, etc. (Side note- child support is not in question here. We have a written agreement that neither of us will pay child support and I intend to honor it.)

He will survive just fine without you while he is with his Dad. This is really about how you feel going without having your son. How do you think it will be for Dad only getting supervised visits a few times a year. With all the maybe's and only limited phone contact, it sounds like you are cutting your ex out of his son's life by moving cross country and limiting visits/calls. Why can't you stay on the same coast area for your child's sake. He needs both parents, not just a visiting Dad a few times a year supervised by Mom.

[Anonymous]

Are you independently wealthy?

Giving up child support when you’re raising the kid alone is crazy. Who is going to pay for your flights to bring the kid to visit dad? 2 visits a year would eat most of your vacation time. That seems like a big commitment to make in terms of time and money. This all sounds like it’s coming from a very emotional place and you’re advocating against your self interest (and that of your child.)

[Anonymous]

Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

[Anonymous]

Who is moving to the other coast?

What does Dad think is reasonable in terms of regular communication? If Dad wants a daily phone conversation or FaceTime with his son, that sounds reasonable. Find a way for Dad to be able to follow/watch sons activities. Make sure that Dad is aware of his sons activities that might impact that communication, ie sports games or Scout meetings or whatever that might occur during that time. Make sure that you have an alternative communication time scheduled if there is a conflict.

What does Dad think is reasonable in terms of visitation? If Dad is the one who moved, then he needs to pay for travel. Does Dad think that full summers are reasonable or specific holidays that are important to Dad?

If Dad's ideas seem to be problematic, then discuss a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't dad read him a story each night via FaceTime? If you're East Coast, at 8pm it's 5pm in CA and dad can get off work, read DS a story and chat about his day for a half hour. That can be your time to shower, clean up the kitchen, whatever.

This is a nice idea. It could work based on the particulars of what OP means by dad doesn’t have his life together. If dad isn’t able to solidly come through for a daily phone call, it is better to not establish it as a precedent for a 6 year old. Obviously an emergency is understandable, but if if one week it’s 6 days and the next two weeks, it’s only 2 or 3 because dad is high or couch surfing....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

No, 8 weeks alone is not reasonable for a 6 year old and a parent who sounds like they are basically unfit. reading between the lines, something is going on with the dad’s mental health.

OP, I think daily calls would be great but not if your ex will flake. Sometimes though it can be easier just to do something every day than 2x/week in terms of scheduling.

For visits - can your ex stay with you when he visits? One of the more functional long-distance divorces I know of, the noncustodial dad would go stay in the mom’s house for long visits (up to 2 weeks I think). An unusual situation but they were very dedicated to their child.

For visits to dad’s house - I would plan to travel out their with the child for a few years as much as possible, stay in an airbnb

Another possibility would be if your ex has any relatives you trust? Kid and dad could stay together with the in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

No, 8 weeks alone is not reasonable for a 6 year old and a parent who sounds like they are basically unfit. reading between the lines, something is going on with the dad’s mental health.

OP, I think daily calls would be great but not if your ex will flake. Sometimes though it can be easier just to do something every day than 2x/week in terms of scheduling.

For visits - can your ex stay with you when he visits? One of the more functional long-distance divorces I know of, the noncustodial dad would go stay in the mom’s house for long visits (up to 2 weeks I think). An unusual situation but they were very dedicated to their child.

For visits to dad’s house - I would plan to travel out their with the child for a few years as much as possible, stay in an airbnb

Another possibility would be if your ex has any relatives you trust? Kid and dad could stay together with the in laws.

We only know OP side and OP is taking her child cross country and moving away. We don't know if he is unfit or she is making that up. She is claiming all these bad things about Dad. THIS IS WHY DAD's give up as they aren't allowed a relationship with their kids. OP needs to give Dad a chance to be Dad on his own and take care of his child. If she is always there, he cannot be a Dad and parent. At that point, just terminate the relationship all together as in the long run its easier than seeing your kid maybe once a year supervised and a few phone calls a month.

Dad absolutely should get the bulk of the summer. Child is going without Dad for 10-12 months a year. How is that ok, but not ok to be without mom so he can be with his Dad. Dad should not have to go to Mom's house to see his child. Dad probably only gets so much leave from his job.

Seriously, just tell ex, you don't want him involved anymore and let everyone move on and don't complain Dad isn't involved when its people like this poster who are preventing the relationships.

[Anonymous]

If you’re trying to do this without the courts involved, you’re going to have to let dad have (most of the) summer and school breaks (alternating who gets the first/second half of Christmas break).

If dad is actually unstable you may need court involvement for him to agree to limited visits.

[Anonymous]

Are you moving or is he? It makes a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

No, 8 weeks alone is not reasonable for a 6 year old and a parent who sounds like they are basically unfit. reading between the lines, something is going on with the dad’s mental health.

OP, I think daily calls would be great but not if your ex will flake. Sometimes though it can be easier just to do something every day than 2x/week in terms of scheduling.

For visits - can your ex stay with you when he visits? One of the more functional long-distance divorces I know of, the noncustodial dad would go stay in the mom’s house for long visits (up to 2 weeks I think). An unusual situation but they were very dedicated to their child.

For visits to dad’s house - I would plan to travel out their with the child for a few years as much as possible, stay in an airbnb

Another possibility would be if your ex has any relatives you trust? Kid and dad could stay together with the in laws.

We only know OP side and OP is taking her child cross country and moving away. We don't know if he is unfit or she is making that up. She is claiming all these bad things about Dad. THIS IS WHY DAD's give up as they aren't allowed a relationship with their kids. OP needs to give Dad a chance to be Dad on his own and take care of his child. If she is always there, he cannot be a Dad and parent. At that point, just terminate the relationship all together as in the long run its easier than seeing your kid maybe once a year supervised and a few phone calls a month.

Dad absolutely should get the bulk of the summer. Child is going without Dad for 10-12 months a year. How is that ok, but not ok to be without mom so he can be with his Dad. Dad should not have to go to Mom's house to see his child. Dad probably only gets so much leave from his job.

Seriously, just tell ex, you don't want him involved anymore and let everyone move on and don't complain Dad isn't involved when its people like this poster who are preventing the relationships.

“Dad” could easily have gotten off his behind and challenged OP moving out of state but he did not. OP does not have to “give” him anything. He clearly has issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re trying to do this without the courts involved, you’re going to have to let dad have (most of the) summer and school breaks (alternating who gets the first/second half of Christmas break).

If dad is actually unstable you may need court involvement for him to agree to limited visits.

Huh? that makes no sense. clearly this guy is struggling in some fundamental way. OP doesn’t have to agree to any specific amout of time just because they aren’t going through the court.