What's the norm in VA when divorcing - equal custody, or some other arrangement?

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to understand what the options are and when they each come into play. I'd be grateful for any insights about when equally shared custody happens, versus children living with one parent only, and only visiting the other parent a small proportion of the time.

[Anonymous]

My friend’s children were 13/14 at the time of divorce, so the judge took their wishes into account. Mom has primary custody, dad invites kids to specific outings once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Why are you asking? Standard should be 50/50 except with documented cases of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking? Standard should be 50/50 except with documented cases of abuse.

I'm trying to wrap my head around what life might look like if we divorce.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it is usually 50/50. If one parent wants 50/50, it would be very hard to fight it.

Most cases do not end up in front of a judge. Only 5 percent. Most cases are handled by a property settlement agreement done during separation that outlines all the terms of the divorce and eventually goes in to a divorce decree. Most cases are done this way and all paperwork...no trial in front of a judge. This can be done with attorneys or a mediator or a mediator and hire attorneys to review it before signing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking? Standard should be 50/50 except with documented cases of abuse.

I'm trying to wrap my head around what life might look like if we divorce.

Ideally it should be 50/50. Kids need both parents as active and equal parents.

[Anonymous]

Mine was 50/50 which is the new normal. What do both parents want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking? Standard should be 50/50 except with documented cases of abuse.

Not everyone wants this.

[Anonymous]

How would 50/50 work if the kids go to local public school and the parents don't live close enough for that to work logistically?
For example, if one parent lives a mile or so away from the school and the kids can take the bus or easily be driven, but the other parent lives in the next county over and it would take 1/2 hour to drive to/from school?

Should the kids live with the "close to the school" parent during the school week, and the "far away" parent get all weekends and most school breaks to make up for the time lost during the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would 50/50 work if the kids go to local public school and the parents don't live close enough for that to work logistically?
For example, if one parent lives a mile or so away from the school and the kids can take the bus or easily be driven, but the other parent lives in the next county over and it would take 1/2 hour to drive to/from school?

Should the kids live with the "close to the school" parent during the school week, and the "far away" parent get all weekends and most school breaks to make up for the time lost during the week?

Parents should try to live close. I had to move 10 minutes away (but in a different county), which is 20 minutes from the school. Now they are going to a a private school during COVID that is 10 min from me and 5 min from my ex. When it is "normal," they will go to a before/aftercare place in between our two homes. In 3 years, I plan to move back into the district. I will not be able to get in to the elementary zone. I will be able to get into the secondary zone so at that age kids can be bussed to/from both places. If I get a place that is back in the county and near the house but NOT in the elementary zone, I will find something 10 min from the house and just drop/off and pick them up there for the bus on my weeks.

[Anonymous]

Ours is (by mutual agreement) about 60/40. The 60% parent is closer to school and has a more flexible schedule. That makes for an easier time getting them to school and back and that parent is better about dealing with homework, appointments, etc and has a more flexible schedule.

The "lost" time during the week isn't really something the 40% parent minds because when they're with them on weekdays it's mostly rushed, chaotic, unpleasant time. Traffic, homework, dinner prep, bedtime, etc. The schedule we have also minimizes the number of transitions the kids have between houses which is something they have asked for.

The weekend/vacation time is split evenly so the kids get a good amount of quality time with each parent. They do still have some weekend nights with the 40% parent so it's not a complete "fun parent" role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to understand what the options are and when they each come into play. I'd be grateful for any insights about when equally shared custody happens, versus children living with one parent only, and only visiting the other parent a small proportion of the time.

I’d worry less about “the norm” and more about meeting your kids’ specific needs. This was the advice a friend gave me. She’s a lawyer, not my lawyer, and noted that many families end up back in court within two years trying to revise a bad parenting plan that they developed based on what they were told was typical. Cookie cutter plans don’t meet every child’s needs. I followed that advice and sure enough, over a decade later, most of our plan is still intact, while friends have had to go back to court for countless modifications. It cost more money and time and tears upfront to put into words a plan that was mindful of our child’s best interests rather than a blanket idea that “This is what you get in the state of _____”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would 50/50 work if the kids go to local public school and the parents don't live close enough for that to work logistically?
For example, if one parent lives a mile or so away from the school and the kids can take the bus or easily be driven, but the other parent lives in the next county over and it would take 1/2 hour to drive to/from school?

Should the kids live with the "close to the school" parent during the school week, and the "far away" parent get all weekends and most school breaks to make up for the time lost during the week?

If kids are staying at their current school, then the parent who lives further away just drives them to school or if the kids get a bus, back to the other parents house in the AM/PM for bus pick up or pay for before and after school care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would 50/50 work if the kids go to local public school and the parents don't live close enough for that to work logistically?
For example, if one parent lives a mile or so away from the school and the kids can take the bus or easily be driven, but the other parent lives in the next county over and it would take 1/2 hour to drive to/from school?

Should the kids live with the "close to the school" parent during the school week, and the "far away" parent get all weekends and most school breaks to make up for the time lost during the week?

This sounds AWFUL. Sure, I'll be the parent that gets the kids up and out the door to school, and makes sure I'm home on time to get them to soccer practice and cook dinner, and schedules doctors/dentist/orthodontist appointments, and handles homework and clarinet practice and bedtime. I'll take the hit to my career that being the primary caregiver implies.

All of that so my ex can play Disney Parent and have them only when there is nothing else going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s children were 13/14 at the time of divorce, so the judge took their wishes into account. Mom has primary custody, dad invites kids to specific outings once in a while.

This, at those ages it’s often up to the kids to choose the arrangement.