“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid in this situation. I knew something was wrong and the more people denied it, the more I snooped. Eventually, of course, I uncovered the affair and was extremely, extremely angry with everyone who had lied to my face to cover it up. Sometimes it's healthiest to tell the truth even when the truth is hard to hear.

This is the thing. What kind of relationship do you want to build with your kids: one based on honesty and openness or one that say I know what’s good for you and so I’m not going to tell you for your own good. Again, it has to be told with facts and none of the narrative behind it for it to be healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid in this situation. I knew something was wrong and the more people denied it, the more I snooped. Eventually, of course, I uncovered the affair and was extremely, extremely angry with everyone who had lied to my face to cover it up. Sometimes it's healthiest to tell the truth even when the truth is hard to hear.

This is the thing. What kind of relationship do you want to build with your kids: one based on honesty and openness or one that say I know what’s good for you and so I’m not going to tell you for your own good. Again, it has to be told with facts and none of the narrative behind it for it to be healthy.

It's humiliating to be the last to know the truth about your own family. And it's manipulative. Parents say the lies and secrecy are for the child's benefit, but are they really? Or is it to avoid having to deal with the fallout of how the child feels when they learn the truth? Because that's just adults looking out for their own interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the kid in this situation. I knew something was wrong and the more people denied it, the more I snooped. Eventually, of course, I uncovered the affair and was extremely, extremely angry with everyone who had lied to my face to cover it up. Sometimes it's healthiest to tell the truth even when the truth is hard to hear.

This is the thing. What kind of relationship do you want to build with your kids: one based on honesty and openness or one that say I know what’s good for you and so I’m not going to tell you for your own good. Again, it has to be told with facts and none of the narrative behind it for it to be healthy.

It's humiliating to be the last to know the truth about your own family. And it's manipulative. Parents say the lies and secrecy are for the child's benefit, but are they really? Or is it to avoid having to deal with the fallout of how the child feels when they learn the truth? Because that's just adults looking out for their own interests.

Kids also learn that you can thrive after infidelity and when they fund themselves in the same situation that their one parent is there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.

Not OP. Are you freaking serious? A child with no concept of romantic love or adult relationships does not get to decide what it looks like to try hard enough. OP has appropriately shielded her child from bearing the burden of adult problems. It may feel like they didn’t try and the kid can work through that with a therapist or counselor - but children do not get to dictate the marital status of their parents.

+1. Kids do not understand abuse. What my exDH did to me with the infidelities and lying was deeply abusive and traumatic. There is no "trying" hard enough to overcome that. My kids don't dictate that I will stay in an abusive, unhealthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC is absolutely correct, of course, but my heart breaks every time I hear it. I didn’t want to get divorced—DC’s dad cheated on me. Lied in counseling.

We presented a united front to DC—decision made between two adults yada yada. Do I ever get to throw my arms up and say, “it’s not my fault either!” or do I just take my side of the story to the grave? I do want to do the right thing for DC even though this post sounds like it’s all about me. I know it wasn’t DC’s choice to grow up shuffling between two houses. It’s so hard sometimes because I didn’t want that either.

DC is 12.

OP, You haven’t provided any context as to when your child is saying this saying this. Is he saying this because he is frustrated with you because of something that you are doing? I grew up in a divorced home and the only Time I ever used this phrase was when my mother was hassling me about the amount of time I was spending with my father. Why is your son saying this?

DC was venting to me. DC’s dad was hassling DC about not keeping track of which house DC’s belongings ended up in—eg sports equipment. We have tried to duplicate as much as possible but inevitably things end up in the wrong house.

So, your xDH caused the divorce and now he's being a d!ck to your kid about the logistical problems it causes. Honestly, I'd be tempted to have a talk with xDH and set him straight. Let him know that you are protecting DC from the truth so that DC can continue to respect and love him without that complicating information, but xDH's behavior toward DC is making that difficult. DC has two homes because of xDH. That makes life more complicated. xDH needs to take more responsibility for that.

But...I'm going to guess that instead of taking responsibility and reflecting on ways he can have more empathy toward your child's struggles, your xDH might just get ugly with you. In that case, maybe you can "tell without telling" by being empathetic with your child. If they vent that their dad is not being understanding, you can say "I'm sorry. You are right and it's unfair. You deserve a parent who can be understanding about the situation you've been put in. I'm really trying to do that." In their head, they will finish the sentence "but your dad is not." They'll put it all together one day OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. This discussion has really opened my eyes to the spectrum of experiences, leading me to think that as with so many things, the right answer probably depends on a lot of different factors. To sum up what I heard, it seems that:
1) unvarnished truth at this age would be detrimental to child’s relationship with dad
2) some were appreciative not to be burdened with this info as children, while others feel that it is another form of gaslighting
3) some people will blame me for the divorce no matter what (wtf)

As somebody newly divorced with an ex who is for the most part trying to be a good dad, what I’m taking from this discussion (with a grain of salt) is to try, for DCs sake, to support the relationship giving DC by leaving my baggage out of it. PP was correct that dad was being a jerk about logistics—he doesn’t get it, and I might need to step in…and overall I need to focus on being empathetic to DC without getting too caught up with my own internal dialogue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.

Not OP. Are you freaking serious? A child with no concept of romantic love or adult relationships does not get to decide what it looks like to try hard enough. OP has appropriately shielded her child from bearing the burden of adult problems. It may feel like they didn’t try and the kid can work through that with a therapist or counselor - but children do not get to dictate the marital status of their parents.

+1. Kids do not understand abuse. What my exDH did to me with the infidelities and lying was deeply abusive and traumatic. There is no "trying" hard enough to overcome that. My kids don't dictate that I will stay in an abusive, unhealthy relationship.

The first PP is trolling. Don't waste your energy on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance at reconciling? despite divorce? I've known of couples who did, and eventually got remarried

That is a terrible suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. This discussion has really opened my eyes to the spectrum of experiences, leading me to think that as with so many things, the right answer probably depends on a lot of different factors. To sum up what I heard, it seems that:
1) unvarnished truth at this age would be detrimental to child’s relationship with dad
2) some were appreciative not to be burdened with this info as children, while others feel that it is another form of gaslighting
3) some people will blame me for the divorce no matter what (wtf)

As somebody newly divorced with an ex who is for the most part trying to be a good dad, what I’m taking from this discussion (with a grain of salt) is to try, for DCs sake, to support the relationship giving DC by leaving my baggage out of it. PP was correct that dad was being a jerk about logistics—he doesn’t get it, and I might need to step in…and overall I need to focus on being empathetic to DC without getting too caught up with my own internal dialogue.

NP

As far as point three - while some people are jerks about how they're presenting this ("you should have tried harder!" well, that's unhelpful, sheesh), I think you're missing the big picture on point three. It's not that you're to "blame" for the divorce. It's that you have some responsibility, too, even if it's tiny tiny. Even if it's just that you chose your ex-husband, chose to marry him, chose to have children with him. And you might be thinking, "how could I have ever seen this coming?" and you might be right. The point is to separate your level of culpability from your child's. Your child has ZERO fault here. Absolutely ZERO. When he says "It's not my fault you guys got divorced" he is 100%, absolutely, inarguably, correct. That is NOT the case for you. Even if it's very small, you have some level of responsibility for this marriage and how it turned out. To respond, even internally, with "me neither!!" is to miss the point, and is unfair to your child. You are an adult, you had some say in this (again, even if it's small, even if you were the victim, even if you did everything right, even if you begged your ex to stay) while he is a child, and he had none.

It sounds like you're handling this well, and really listening to experiences of children of divorce. I know this is incredibly hard, and it sounds like you're doing everything right, so I don't mean to put you down. I just think if you can take some ownership, that shift in attitude may help you interact with your son and deal with problems related to joint custody with a bit less inner turmoil.

--adult child of divorce, joint custody before it was cool, with a great relationship with both parents, no idea why they split, have never asked, don't want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. This discussion has really opened my eyes to the spectrum of experiences, leading me to think that as with so many things, the right answer probably depends on a lot of different factors. To sum up what I heard, it seems that:
1) unvarnished truth at this age would be detrimental to child’s relationship with dad
2) some were appreciative not to be burdened with this info as children, while others feel that it is another form of gaslighting
3) some people will blame me for the divorce no matter what (wtf)

As somebody newly divorced with an ex who is for the most part trying to be a good dad, what I’m taking from this discussion (with a grain of salt) is to try, for DCs sake, to support the relationship giving DC by leaving my baggage out of it. PP was correct that dad was being a jerk about logistics—he doesn’t get it, and I might need to step in…and overall I need to focus on being empathetic to DC without getting too caught up with my own internal dialogue.

NP

As far as point three - while some people are jerks about how they're presenting this ("you should have tried harder!" well, that's unhelpful, sheesh), I think you're missing the big picture on point three. It's not that you're to "blame" for the divorce. It's that you have some responsibility, too, even if it's tiny tiny. Even if it's just that you chose your ex-husband, chose to marry him, chose to have children with him. And you might be thinking, "how could I have ever seen this coming?" and you might be right. The point is to separate your level of culpability from your child's. Your child has ZERO fault here. Absolutely ZERO. When he says "It's not my fault you guys got divorced" he is 100%, absolutely, inarguably, correct. That is NOT the case for you. Even if it's very small, you have some level of responsibility for this marriage and how it turned out. To respond, even internally, with "me neither!!" is to miss the point, and is unfair to your child. You are an adult, you had some say in this (again, even if it's small, even if you were the victim, even if you did everything right, even if you begged your ex to stay) while he is a child, and he had none.

It sounds like you're handling this well, and really listening to experiences of children of divorce. I know this is incredibly hard, and it sounds like you're doing everything right, so I don't mean to put you down. I just think if you can take some ownership, that shift in attitude may help you interact with your son and deal with problems related to joint custody with a bit less inner turmoil.

--adult child of divorce, joint custody before it was cool, with a great relationship with both parents, no idea why they split, have never asked, don't want to know.

Please listen to this PP, OP. It’s not about blame or fault, but about recognizing that the difficult situation for your child is a product of your and DH’s choices. It doesn’t matter if it’s 99% DH’s choice and 1% yours. You still chose to marry, make babies, get divorced, etc. It’s not about blame but just about recognizing the truth of the situation and the difference between the child’s role and the adult’s role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.

I get what you are saying but, in this instance, I would TOTALLY throw him under the bus...

I don't understand why people think that protecting kids from this kind of information is beneficial. It just creates other issues.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 13. I knew it was mainly my dad's fault, even though as far as I know there was no cheating. He checked out of the marriage, and the family, pretty completely in the years prior.

I was pretty angry with him as a teenager. What helped was my mom never said a bad word about him. But she did acknowledge some facts about how he was acting. Things like "I realize your dad hasn't been as involved lately, but he is a good dad and he really loves you". As an adult, I can appreciate how hard those words had to be for my mom. She had to be mad as hell at him! But she never let me slide into my own anger about it. She'd just repeat "he is a good dad and he loves you".

Acknowledge how hard it is for your kid. But also reinforce how much you love them, and how much their dad loves them. It really does matter, especially for these kids about the enter the tumultuous teen-dom of their lives. I often heard my mom saying "your dad loves you" and it helped me really believe it at a time he wasn't great at showing it.

My relationship with my dad could have been destroyed forever. Even in divorce, she was the glue who held us together. I love her so much for it. And I do love my dad, even though he isn't always the sitcom dad. He does love me, and always has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 13. I knew it was mainly my dad's fault, even though as far as I know there was no cheating. He checked out of the marriage, and the family, pretty completely in the years prior.

I was pretty angry with him as a teenager. What helped was my mom never said a bad word about him. But she did acknowledge some facts about how he was acting. Things like "I realize your dad hasn't been as involved lately, but he is a good dad and he really loves you". As an adult, I can appreciate how hard those words had to be for my mom. She had to be mad as hell at him! But she never let me slide into my own anger about it. She'd just repeat "he is a good dad and he loves you".

Acknowledge how hard it is for your kid. But also reinforce how much you love them, and how much their dad loves them. It really does matter, especially for these kids about the enter the tumultuous teen-dom of their lives. I often heard my mom saying "your dad loves you" and it helped me really believe it at a time he wasn't great at showing it.

My relationship with my dad could have been destroyed forever. Even in divorce, she was the glue who held us together. I love her so much for it. And I do love my dad, even though he isn't always the sitcom dad. He does love me, and always has.

I am perplexed why your mother would say, and you would believe, that he was being a "good dad". That is exactly the kind of gaslighting people are talking about. I would never raise my child to believe checking out of marriage and family is being a good dad. Because it just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 13. I knew it was mainly my dad's fault, even though as far as I know there was no cheating. He checked out of the marriage, and the family, pretty completely in the years prior.

I was pretty angry with him as a teenager. What helped was my mom never said a bad word about him. But she did acknowledge some facts about how he was acting. Things like "I realize your dad hasn't been as involved lately, but he is a good dad and he really loves you". As an adult, I can appreciate how hard those words had to be for my mom. She had to be mad as hell at him! But she never let me slide into my own anger about it. She'd just repeat "he is a good dad and he loves you".

Acknowledge how hard it is for your kid. But also reinforce how much you love them, and how much their dad loves them. It really does matter, especially for these kids about the enter the tumultuous teen-dom of their lives. I often heard my mom saying "your dad loves you" and it helped me really believe it at a time he wasn't great at showing it.

My relationship with my dad could have been destroyed forever. Even in divorce, she was the glue who held us together. I love her so much for it. And I do love my dad, even though he isn't always the sitcom dad. He does love me, and always has.

I am perplexed why your mother would say, and you would believe, that he was being a "good dad". That is exactly the kind of gaslighting people are talking about. I would never raise my child to believe checking out of marriage and family is being a good dad. Because it just isn't.

Because telling their kid in middle of a divorce that their dad doesn't love them does nobody any good. Why is this so difficult to recognize that a kid will be destroyed by the idea that a parent doesn't care about them. Also, why is so difficult to understand that as adults, we often have different perspectives on how our parents acted then when we were kids (and I am not justifying cheating.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh’s parents divorced because of infidelity and to his mother’s credit, she never told him. He found out a few years ago at age 40 (they divorced when he was 12 as well). In the end, he blamed his mother for not trying to make it work, not trying counseling, not sticking it out. I don’t tell you this to lay fault but sometimes it is a no win situation even though this wasn’t your fault. Thirty years later, it didn’t matter why the divorce happened but that it happened.
Sorry you are going through this.

He didn't know about the infidelity but he knew his mom didn't try counseling. Sure ... that's the real story.

I love when AP's jump on these threads, do a little better with the story.

Huh? Yes, he knew what he was told.
You sound unhinged. I am not an AP nor do I think that the father should get a free pass in the OP's story. I do know that things like this aren't as easy as assigning a bad guy and expecting the kid to understand the complexities of marriage.