how much to give as present for bar mitzvah?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

If you don't want the cultural values of others imposed, then you shouldn't invite anyone from outside of the jewish faith to the event. I personally find giving cash to be extremely tacky as do many.

The cultural value which supports giving cash/checks is to set someone up for the future. The Bnei Mitzvah gift is different than other birthday gifts, in that it is used for the future.

In my DD's case, the gifts ranged from 2K (grandparent) to much less. The mean cash gift was 180, but was skewed by a few large gifts. The median was $100. Let me make it clear, this was not a money grab. We spent a lot more than the presents. But, the money will pay for part of DD's first semester in college.

As for what is appropriate: you give what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

If you don't want the cultural values of others imposed, then you shouldn't invite anyone from outside of the jewish faith to the event. I personally find giving cash to be extremely tacky as do many.

The cultural value which supports giving cash/checks is to set someone up for the future. The Bnei Mitzvah gift is different than other birthday gifts, in that it is used for the future.

In my DD's case, the gifts ranged from 2K (grandparent) to much less. The mean cash gift was 180, but was skewed by a few large gifts. The median was $100. Let me make it clear, this was not a money grab. We spent a lot more than the presents. But, the money will pay for part of DD's first semester in college.

As for what is appropriate: you give what you want.

You do realize that not all Jewish people agree with you. You preferred money. We get it. And while this might be the most common gift (and the easiest) others prefer to give other types of gifts. My DS got a mix of things and I definitely can't tell you the median amount of the cash gifts. Who calculates this? People gave what they gave, everything was appreciated, and lovely thank you notes were written. Some of DS's classmates did not bring a gift and no one cared. My DS was happy that kids from school came to his party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Wow, you clearly have no concept of how bar/bat mitzvahs work. You give money. As the PP said, it goes into an account for college. You are helping celebrate this child becoming a man/woman and helping pay for their education (even in a small way) which is a major value in Judaism. Please don't impose your own cultural values (money is not a nice gift) on someone else's tradition.

If you don't want the cultural values of others imposed, then you shouldn't invite anyone from outside of the jewish faith to the event. I personally find giving cash to be extremely tacky as do many.

The cultural value which supports giving cash/checks is to set someone up for the future. The Bnei Mitzvah gift is different than other birthday gifts, in that it is used for the future.

In my DD's case, the gifts ranged from 2K (grandparent) to much less. The mean cash gift was 180, but was skewed by a few large gifts. The median was $100. Let me make it clear, this was not a money grab. We spent a lot more than the presents. But, the money will pay for part of DD's first semester in college.

As for what is appropriate: you give what you want.

You do realize that not all Jewish people agree with you. You preferred money. We get it. And while this might be the most common gift (and the easiest) others prefer to give other types of gifts. My DS got a mix of things and I definitely can't tell you the median amount of the cash gifts. Who calculates this? People gave what they gave, everything was appreciated, and lovely thank you notes were written. Some of DS's classmates did not bring a gift and no one cared. My DS was happy that kids from school came to his party.

I just put it in a spreadsheet to manage DD's thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

If it is a friend from school etc, then a gift card or check/cash anywhere from 18 to whatever is great. If it is a family friend, then gift card or money up to about 250 is generous. Closer family (aunts/uncles/grandparents) then anywhere from 200 to whatever is terrific. It is a huge milestone and a lot of work went into it. It is not like a birthday present, but a rite of passage. At the same time, for the friends/classmates who are not Jewish who are invited to 3-20 of these in a school year, it adds up quickly.

[Anonymous]

For child's classmate, we did a multiple of $18-- $72. This was on the high end of our budget, but for such a major life event we didn't want to offend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$324

I don't travel in such circles. No one outside of family gave my son such an amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor ta eeeeêerawerrfwtgwerg

You are awful. I was grateful to all who came, including the Saturday regulars who were not sent an invitation, ate my food and praised my son. I threw the party we could afford, and I didn't think twice about the size of the gift except in the case where I got a large check from someone who really couldn't afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

it is wrong to give so little, at least 36 but 50 or 54 is more appropriate from a school friend all adults should give at least 100, trust me your meal is way more than that. If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste

Let me see if I get this straight, if my Christian child is invited to a friend's bar or bat mitzvah, I should give 36 to 54 to offset what the parents spent on the party? I just don't think that is appropriate advice. I appreciate the religious significance but when a child starts inviting non-jewish school friends from and the expectation is give large cash gifts is ridiculous.

I know of these huge hotel bar mitzvah's with Dj's, bands, video game entertainment companies, open bars and huge dinners for adults, so if my child is invited to one of those big fests I should kick in a $100. Sorry but the big party is your choice, not mine so don't invite non-jewish friends if the money is that important.

"If you cant afford to send your kid to so many, then be a little more choosey, but don't be cheap. poor taste" is probably the shocking advice I have heard for children in a long time. So a thirteen year old has to turn down invitations so that they can give LARGER cash gifts to the ones they decide to attend? Unbelievable.

wow. as the parents of a recent bar mitzvsh boy: first, the meal we served wasnt any hundred dollars. we kept the thing csual and jewish. second, i would be so disappointed and perplexed if someone didnt come because they couldnt afford what you think is appropriate. i threw the party so that the people we love could share our joy.

^^^^ This is the bar mitzvah I hope my children are lucky enough to be invited to. My kids have super sweet and thoughtful Jewish friends and I doubt any of their parents have such mercenary money grubbing expectations.

Thanks. That was my comment. It is standard to welcome the whole community at my shul, and to make the lunch open to all comers.

To the OP. I am not that unusual. Give what you can, and don't listen to the posts from the extremely well-to-do, since they don't reflect what we normal people do.

[Anonymous]

My daughter received money, gift cards, and jewelry, for the most part. And not to sound sappy, but truly the best gifts were people's presence and participation. We loved having people from different phases of her life there to celebrate with us, and it meant so much that people came out of their way to attend. The gifts she received were secondary to marking the milestone and celebrating with family and friends.

But to answer the quesiton of how much to give - whatever you feel comfortable giving based on your financial situation and your closeness with the family. My daughter received gifts of $18 to $54 from school friends, and it meant so much to us that most of these (non-Jewish) friends took the time to find out that multiples of 18 meant something. She also got some beautiful Bat Mitzvah cards with lovely notes - again that truly meant something to us (we don't live in a very Jewish area).

She also got gift cards - most $25, maybe some $50, I don't remember. From families of 4, she got some gifts of jewelry or money gifts that ranged from about $100 to $200. Really, anything goes! If anyone is insulted by what you give, then I'd imagine those people aren't people you'd want to be friends with anyway.

[Anonymous]

The most important thing for a Bat Mitzvah gift is making it meaningful and not an ordinary birthday gift.
http://bit.ly/1GzxpmQ

[Anonymous]

takoma wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$324

What a square!

math humor

[Anonymous]

I was a kid who moved from the sticks,went to my first, showed up with a wrapped gift, felt ridiculous...don't do that to your kid. Give me a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because money is what's given, PP. The money is put into an account for college- the 13 yr old isn't going on a shopping spree or anything immediate.

Gift grab
As a standard rule it is rude to inquire how much a gift cost, so money is not a nice gift. As it is a friends child, an this obviously not a culture or custom you are engrossed in, I think you could follow the more elegant custom of giving a present.
A child might remember who gave what gift, but not who gave what amount.

Also from this poster: why you should bring a ham to a Passover Seder. It's delicious! It's elegant! It celebrates America!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been to bat/bar mitzvahs where the cash donations were re-donated to the kid's favorite cause. Doesn't have to be for college, I don't think. However, I'm not Jewish and maybe somebody can correct me on this.

I'm guessing Jose parents had already fully funded their kids' college accounts but didn't think they should say no gifts so donated it to charity.

The standard gift at a bar mitvah is cash or bonds and the standard thing to do with it is put it in a college account.

I generally prefer giving gift cards to cash if I have to do either, but would not do so at a bar mitzvah because of the strong tradition that the cash will be used for school. If you can't wrap your head around giving cash, a bond might make more sense psychologically, in the same way a gift card does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the point of the event is to enrich the college savings account. Perhaps it becomes that for grandparents and close family members. But for the bus stop buddy it is a birthday gift..an itunes card..a book..earrings.

actually your wrong, the best gift you can give someone on a bar mitzvah is a check for money that is a multiple of 18. since most bar mitzvah's cost a LOT of mney to throw, some of that money goes to paying for the party the rest goes to the chid orto their college fund. gifts are not usually appropriate unless you are a close friend of the bar mitzvah boy

*You're the one who's wrong here. As a Jew, I can say that anyone with class, regardless of faith, would be appreciative of your presence and whatever gift you give, if you can. Those parents who throw lavish events to impress their own peers and then take part of the child's monetary gifts to pay for the event are classless and completely miss the point of the event. The gifts people give the child is to congratulate him/her for an important accomplishment, NOT to help financially irresponsible and vain parents defray the costs of a party thrown outside of their means.

Give what you can, and give with your heart. Multiples of 18 are a great nod to the Jewish culture and traditions. That is all.