I married my MIL!!!

[Anonymous]

I just realized that I married my mother-in-law. My husband is nit-picking, nagging, criticizing human being.

Here's an example from DH's valentines day card: "I would rather be miserable with you than miserable without you." What does that even mean?

My mother-in-law to DH just today: "If your job appreciated you, they would pay you more." What does that even mean?

It's like constant backhanded compliments. It's a very unhealthy dynamic but when I point out either to DH, he has answer after answer but doesn't listen: "You are overly sensitive. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. My mom just loves me and wants what is best for you -- you don't get it. Nothing is good enough for you."

This is confusing. I am not in a bad marriage, but I am not in a good marriage. I am going to get counseling ASAP, because my sixth sense is blazing and getting louder and louder, but DH won't go with me, because he says it is in my head. It's not one of the three a's (addiction, abuse, affair), but I think I need to leave before I have children in this dynamic. DH did not change after marriage, but I only met MIL twice before our wedding, although she and DH are close and speak regularly. And, I think I just thought that he was a nerd before we got married and didn't know how to be smooth. He had many one-night stands and shorter or long-distance relationships, so it seemed to make sense that he didn't know how to act in a relationship. Now I get that he has trouble thinking about other people's feelings and that this dynamic started from his childhood.

I know the men on this forum tend to be harsh toward women, but I would appreciate a man's perspective. I am not trying to man-blame. I am just trying to understand what is happening.

[InAndOut]

No children? Speak with a good divorce attorney, but leave.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has a deadpan sense of humor and maybe you are overly sensitive. But if I ever told my wife she was too sensitive, I would be in the doghouse.

[Anonymous]

VD card is a perfect reason to say that you don't want to be miserable with or without him.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 13:47. You have to respect that some families have developed their own communication, and if it works for them, don't change it.

However, you can absolutely require from your spouse that they do not communicate in such a manner with you. It's challenging for the spouse that has to change, because they've grown up like this, not meaning any harm at all.

Both my husband and I are perfectionists and can be critical and hyper-aware of details. While I have changed my tune, he still continues, and what's even worse, he started doing this to the kids, who are old enough to contribute and do it THEIR way. I constantly have to remind him not to be so pervasively negative and critical.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Start nitpicking him. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Anonymous]

When people tell you that you're too sensitive or it's in your head, they are missing the point. They are not married to a hypothetical person of average sensitivity. They're married to you. If a certain mode of communication bothers you-- such as a Valentine's Day card that implies they're not happy-- then they don't need to be in the doghouse, but they should be receptive to hearing what *would* make you happy.

It's not hard to be kind. But people who don't want to do what would make their spouse happy because they think they have some kind of right to behave a certain way are never going to make anyone happy.

Doing the loving thing for your partner should be a joy. It's the same in bed. Some people like a specific kind of kiss or touch. A good lover doesn't say "ordinary women want this other thing; the fact that you don't like it shows you are overly sensitive or picky." A good lover says "wow, I'm glad I know you like X or Y. I'm going to take joy in doing that to and for you and seeing you go wild."

It's the same with communication. OP doesn't like hearing her husband is miserable. If he's happy and tells her so, that will make her happy. So why wouldn't he? Does he value his little jokes more than he values her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start nitpicking him. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

If you are used to nitpicking, then it feels normal. It can even feel like love.

Op, you have different ways of expressing love. He will not change the way he communicates. He will continue to do it to you and will do it to your children. How do I know? My BFF was talked to like that by her parents. She talks like that to her DH (not surprising, they have a horrible marriage). And she talks like that to her DD that she adores. It’s just what she was taught- nitpicking = love. If that doesn’t work for you, then divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married?

Only a year. I only realized it because the conversation happened so soon after a friend was over, saw the vday card on the mantle, and reacted like "hmmm. okay." I had noticed that my husband wasn't a typical romantic and didn't care. I had noticed that my MIL could be passive aggressive with me ("holiday desserts seem to like you."). I hadn't connected the two until last night and today. They are not mean but not nice people.

[Anonymous]

InAndOut wrote:No children? Speak with a good divorce attorney, but leave.

I think we could just annul. We have nothing and no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start nitpicking him. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

If you are used to nitpicking, then it feels normal. It can even feel like love.

Op, you have different ways of expressing love. He will not change the way he communicates. He will continue to do it to you and will do it to your children. How do I know? My BFF was talked to like that by her parents. She talks like that to her DH (not surprising, they have a horrible marriage). And she talks like that to her DD that she adores. It’s just what she was taught- nitpicking = love. If that doesn’t work for you, then divorce.

Wow, I wish I could talk to your bff's dh. I think it has to kill self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

InAndOut wrote:No children? Speak with a good divorce attorney, but leave.

I think we could just annul. We have nothing and no kids.

Annulments aren't granted that easily and besides why would you? Doesn't sound like anyone committed fraud here, you just weren't observant enough. Consult with a divorce attorney to get the lay of the land and then you may be able to handle it yourselves. But even if that doesn't happen, leave. At this point I can't see why you wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

InAndOut wrote:No children? Speak with a good divorce attorney, but leave.

I think we could just annul. We have nothing and no kids.

No, you likely won't be able to annul but that's not a reason to avoid looking into divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people tell you that you're too sensitive or it's in your head, they are missing the point. They are not married to a hypothetical person of average sensitivity. They're married to you. If a certain mode of communication bothers you-- such as a Valentine's Day card that implies they're not happy-- then they don't need to be in the doghouse, but they should be receptive to hearing what *would* make you happy.

It's not hard to be kind. But people who don't want to do what would make their spouse happy because they think they have some kind of right to behave a certain way are never going to make anyone happy.

Doing the loving thing for your partner should be a joy. It's the same in bed. Some people like a specific kind of kiss or touch. A good lover doesn't say "ordinary women want this other thing; the fact that you don't like it shows you are overly sensitive or picky." A good lover says "wow, I'm glad I know you like X or Y. I'm going to take joy in doing that to and for you and seeing you go wild."

It's the same with communication. OP doesn't like hearing her husband is miserable. If he's happy and tells her so, that will make her happy. So why wouldn't he? Does he value his little jokes more than he values her?

This PP is very wise. There's a lot of valuable insight here.