'Thank God!' for a healthy baby. Please explain.

[Anonymous]

Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

[Anonymous]

They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

I'm not Op, but you are truly a good and kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

You don't have to thank God if you don't believe in Him. People who posted that and prayed for your sick son are clearly believers.

Instead of been irritated (which is very bad feeling for a pregnant women), just think why is it happening to you and learn to be more appreciated for what you have without any negative feelings. All that irritation affects your baby inside. Let it go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

I'm really, really sorry, OP.

This is horrible. It's horrible to everyone. So they are processing this situation they best way they know how to. The way it feels best to them to deal with something as tragic as losing a baby. It's how they see the universe, and I guess they assume everyone does.

I had a friend who lost her child to a cold sore infection 11 days after she was born. My friend had never had a cold sore, and was infected just after she had given birth. Therefore, her baby had no immunity at all, and she died. It's just so horrible to contemplate, and I'm sure I said something stupid at some point, even though my intentions were good.

If possible, just know that these folks mean the best for you, even if they aren't saying it right. And if you don't think certain people do, it's probably best to stay away from them a bit. Protect yourself emotionally for sure.

What we "all" should say, is "we're here for you if you want us." And we should just listen. Let you lead.....

[Anonymous]

God as I understand her does not put defects into babies' hearts. She doesn't ignore you when you pray to heal your child's heart; it's just that there is no magic wand. Sometimes things heal and sometimes they can't heal. If you look at nature in any form, you see that it isn't absolutely perfect with no problems or struggles. Struggle is built into the very fabric of nature. It is the way of life.
If you're a Christian, you know that Jesus suffered and died and that he had a mother who suffered and witnessed his heartbreaking death--the death of God's son and the death of what his followers at the time thought Jesus had come to earth to do. Then of course, the transformation occurs when Jesus rises to new life. This too is the way of life-transformation out of struggle and death. It is not final, it means we are loved and not separated from God.

The reason I thank God in your case, is that even death doesn't break the bonds of love that God has for us. There is new life. Are there scars? Yes. Do you still mourn? Yes. Did you get exactly what you wanted? No. Neither did Jesus. Jesus had scars. And he was transformed. You are too.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. People who love you just honestly don't have the right words and the right sentiments for your pain; they don't know what to say, but they don't want to be silent, especially as they want to acknowledge this very good news.

This might be the time to disable comments on your social media feeds. Share your news, but don't give people the platform to give comments. Or maybe just ask them to simply "Like" or "Love" your posts, and that you are not ready for comments right now.

I'm very sorry for your losses and your suffering. I do hope all goes well with this pregnancy and beyond for you.

[Anonymous]

In Buddhism there is a belief that life is full of suffering. Everybody will have some sort of struggle that will cause us suffering.

When something bad happens we say "why me".. The answer is everybody suffers. When suffering happens we should say, okay this is it, this is my cross to bear. This is what the universe has for me.

In reality, when something wonderful happens, we should say "why me"

I am sorry your suffering was one that is unimaginably difficult. But now you have 2 healthy children on the way. I don't think God makes a choice, but I think he allows suffering, but he also allows love.

Some people have suffering and suffering and more suffering. When people see that suffering ends they "thank God". (I know the suffering never ends, I meant it as a figure of speech)

[Anonymous]

Seriously the people trying to explain Christianity and Buddhism here are not doing a good job of convincing people of anything. It all just sounds like gibberish.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm not religious but I think people who say things like that are using the most meaningful thing they know to say they are relieved and happy about your news.

I would expect that you are having a lot of intense feelings about your child's death that are being re-ignited or intensified or changed by your pregnancy. It might be helpful to see a therapist to talk about that, maybe with your husband. I have not had a child die, but my first child had a traumatic birth and has significant special needs and when I was pregnant with my second, i sort of reexperienced that grief and anxiety. Seeing a therapist was helpful. I don't know where you're located but we saw Kate Marosek, who is in NW DC and specializes in pregnancy loss.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God as I understand her does not put defects into babies' hearts. She doesn't ignore you when you pray to heal your child's heart; it's just that there is no magic wand. Sometimes things heal and sometimes they can't heal. If you look at nature in any form, you see that it isn't absolutely perfect with no problems or struggles. Struggle is built into the very fabric of nature. It is the way of life.
If you're a Christian, you know that Jesus suffered and died and that he had a mother who suffered and witnessed his heartbreaking death--the death of God's son and the death of what his followers at the time thought Jesus had come to earth to do. Then of course, the transformation occurs when Jesus rises to new life. This too is the way of life-transformation out of struggle and death. It is not final, it means we are loved and not separated from God.

The reason I thank God in your case, is that even death doesn't break the bonds of love that God has for us. There is new life. Are there scars? Yes. Do you still mourn? Yes. Did you get exactly what you wanted? No. Neither did Jesus. Jesus had scars. And he was transformed. You are too.

So it all relates back to Jesus? Presumably you meant well, but this seems like a quite convoluted determination to make Jesus the focus of OPs situation.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean OP. When you struggle through pregnancy/child loss, infertility, etc. the comforts that this is "God's plan" really becomes a huge struggle because the suffering is unbearable. I personally don't believe God has anything to do with it. Unfortunately most people who have no struggled the way you have don't understand that at all.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. Some people seem to only have positive thoughts about God. Healthy baby - thank God! Sick baby - God can help! Baby dies - God is good and must have a plan!

It just grates when people give God the credit for everything good and none of the blame when things are shitty. No thanks, God. Leave us be.

[Anonymous]

Aww OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a miracle to be pregnant 9 months after the death though. It's like your angel baby knew you missed him and sent a sibling down for you. Life is rough and I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

I'm not Op, but you are truly a good and kind person.

DP. +1 to all of this. Beautifully stated.