12-yo Boy Cried at Lunch

[Anonymous]

because an argument with another boy escalated and he lost his composure. He cries easily at home but this was the first time in front of his peers, and now I worry he's made himself a target of future teasing and eventually bullying. Should I speak to the counselor or wait until something really happens? He's in 7th gr so two more years at this school. Thx!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should I speak to the counselor or wait until something really happens?

But OP, you didn't even tell us what already happened. Without knowing what your DS thinks, and the full story of what happened, and keeping in mind that it'll be third-hand information, nobody can advise you.

[Anonymous]

Well, first things first. Talk to him about the argument with the other boy and get to the bottom of it and make him feel heard and supported. Make it clear that you have his back no matter what. I understand your concern for him with regard to the crying, but don't let that override your initial concern for what actually transpired in the lunchroom. While you probably won't mean to, if you harp on the crying you'll just make him feel shame. Does he cry out of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness? What are his most common crying triggers? Some people cry easily, regardless of gender or age. If you are concerned that your child is being bullied, make it clear to your son that you want to know and that you will help. If he on social media? Does he have a phone with texting capabilities? If so, start monitoring those.

[Anonymous]

I think this depends a lot on the school. At DS's middle school, boys seemed mostly to feel sympathy for other boys when that happened. There was a big, fairly athletic boy who would cry out of frustration, so he'd be in the middle of a basketball game crying and refs would ask coach if he needed to come out, and coach would say "nah, he's good", and it was true --- it was just what he did. It helped that he was big and obviously intensely competitive.

If other things that have happened at the school make you think that bullying could be an issue, then I might talk to a counselor. I assume that you know about this b/c your kid talked to you about it? If so, did he seem concerned about repercussions like bullying?

I am very sympathetic --- as a boy and young man I cried when frustrated, and it was mortifying. Once in my 20's I was sparring a fighter who was training to go to the Pan American games, and he kept hitting me late (after ref called stop) and it pissed me off so much that I had tears in my eyes (which was mortifying at the time because guys that I trained with saw it). I don't have a solution other than to say that it happens (and usually as a response to anger, in my experience), and it is not related to toughness --- look at all the athletes who have cried very publicly (MJ, LeBron after the championship).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your concerned about his behavior without being concerned for him.

[Anonymous]

Ooh, poor thing!

Something actually just did happen, OP. Call the counselor already.

It's a double-edged sword to be so sensitive and perceptive yet to show it in such a way. Your son needs to reflect calmly on why those emotions bubble up so strongly, and needs to discuss it with the counselor if he wishes, or you or perhaps a psychologist, about how to manage them so that he doesn't cry in front of his friends.

And I recommend Circle Yoga - they have a mindfulness class for tween and teens.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are actually strategies that you can prepare your child with for how to respond when tormented. THey might not be perfect, but they could help.

I found some online once. I can't find the excellent website I once located, but here is something similar.

http://micheleborba.com/bully-proofing-strategies-for-kids/

Any preparation is better than none.

[Anonymous]

If he seems pretty fine now that the dust has settled I would let it go. Getting a counselor involved can make it seem like a. Giver deal than it really is. These things happen; it's a part of growing up. I wouldn't send the message that every negative interaction calls for professional intervention. Now, if the other kids continue to harass him or make him cry, I'd get involved. Only if it becomes a pattern of conduct.

[Anonymous]

"Like a bigger deal"*

I hate typing on iPhone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

Crying is a sign of weakness, especially in middle school. OP is right to be alarmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

Crying is a sign of weakness, especially in middle school. OP is right to be alarmed.

Yeah, crying in public rarely ends well. Showing emotions so openly will likely lead to some social problems because kids pick on each other and this is something that can be exploited. Work with him on better strategies to manage his emotions and keep himself cool and composed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

Crying is a sign of weakness, especially in middle school. OP is right to be alarmed.

Yeah, crying in public rarely ends well. Showing emotions so openly will likely lead to some social problems because kids pick on each other and this is something that can be exploited. Work with him on better strategies to manage his emotions and keep himself cool and composed.

do you have any specific suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing wrong with a boy crying, and you shouldn't assume others will think there is.

Don't let your son think there's something wrong with him crying in front of people. You need to give the other kids a chance to show themselves as decent human beings. He's not "making himself a target." There was nothing wrong with his behavior. If someone begins to bully him, THAT is the behavior that needs to be addressed. But there may not be any of that. So don't worry ahead of time.

Just do what you can to see that your boy feels comfortable confiding in you. But otherwise, celebrate the sensitive soul he has. There is a lot in our world to bring tears to our eyes. Nothing wrong with being sensitive.

Crying is a sign of weakness, especially in middle school. OP is right to be alarmed.

Yeah, crying in public rarely ends well. Showing emotions so openly will likely lead to some social problems because kids pick on each other and this is something that can be exploited. Work with him on better strategies to manage his emotions and keep himself cool and composed.

The issue here is that some kids won't know how to deal with one of their classmates cry (male and female). That is why some kids might make fun or back off - they don't know what else to do. He can always say that he is dealing with an ill family member, pet, etc. to provide a "legitimate" excuse for the crying. A woman I know started crying during a confrontation at work. It was awkward but when she told us her mom was very sick and she had just been under a lot of pressure, we were all more sympathetic and accepting.

You can also tell him to state he has to pee and tear out of the room to a private area if his emotions are getting the best of him.

Hopefully, most kids will be mature about it and this will blow over.

[Anonymous]

As a kid I was an easy crier and now that I'm grown up, sometimes I have to fight it in especially frustrating situations. I've sort of developed a mantra that I just continuously repeat to myself when I can tell I am getting emotional or I get that tight throat feeling. I just say "smile on the inside" over and over and when I think about it it doesn't make much literal sense, but it's helped me stuff down my tears in a tough moment. Maybe you can talk with your son about having a phrase that he can say to himself. Doing this helps me tune out what's going on around me and I think having a positive word like "smile" in the phrase helps quell the negativity a little.