Indian girls and being chaperoned?

[Anonymous]

Riddle me this DCUM. Our family is white. DD, who is now late ES, had a "best friend" (Indian girl) who lived in out neighborhood for several years before she moved. Although she and DD could meet up on the playground, with the friend's mom watching, DF (dear friend) was never allowed to come over to our house-- not even for DD's birthday party. In fact, DD so wanted DF at her birthday party (which was at our house), that I extended the invitation to the DF's mother as well, and told her she was welcome to stay for the whole thing. I always thought the mom was a bit overprotective, because DD had her other neighborhood friends come over to play without a problem, and DF was prohibited from visiting other homes in the neighborhood too.

Fast forward to this year. DS, who is in late MS, is on a very competitive academic team, that practices about 15 hours a week outside of school, often at team members' homes. One of the members of the team is an Indian girl (IG). The entire team managed to coordinate the timing for several practices at the homes of various team members (once at our home, and the home of another team member). I made it clear that I would be home while they practiced, and offered to provide pizza & snacks so they could work through dinner. It seemed like it was settled, when IG's mother stepped in and said that IG could only meet with the team via Skype from her home. For logistical reasons, this doesn't work, and all of the members of the team have to be present for practice. When the head coach said that all team members must be present in person or they would be dropped, the mother agreed-- but only if the team practices are at IG's house. Weirdly, neither the mother nor the father can be present-- just the grandmother, who has minimal English (which makes me a little uncomfortable). Additionally, Also, some of the parents have volunteered and scheduled to act as coaches (DH was supposed to coach one night), but IG's mother has said that parent coaches "aren't necessary" (they are) and should not attend.

This isn't the only time I have run into this. Twice last year, once for Science Olympiad for DD (who was in 5th) and once for a group school project for DS (who was in 7th), parents of Indian Girls refused to allow them to come to our house (Science Olympiad) or the house of a team member (the group project), which caused a lot if inconvenience, and made it hard for the kids to do their projects. For my DD's birthday party last year (a different party) a different IG as not allowed to come (not had a conflict-- not allowed).

My question: what the he** is going on? Since I have an 11 year old DD, I understand the need to exercise caution, and I don't casually let he go to stranger's houses. But we live in a typical, safe upper middle class Fairfax County neighborhood, are involved in our children's schools and never invite other children to come over to our house unless there is a parent home (usually me). As our DC's get older, they hare having more and more group projects or extracurricular activities that require the kids to meet outside of school-- which seems reasonable to me if I verify that a project exists, take the child to the house, meet the parent, leave them with a phone, etc. Other parents with kids in the same age range (11-14) seem to feel the same way. So what's up with the parents of Indian Girls? This keeps happening-- and not just when it's our home. Honestly, I'm getting a little pissed off. So what's the reasonable explanation?

[Anonymous]

Are these Indian parents recent immigrants? I'm guessing they don't trust American style parenting.

[Anonymous]

This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

[Anonymous]

yes, OP. Because you've had 2 experiences with "Indian Girls" with protective parents, you are perfectly justified in making stereotypes about a population of 1 billion people (plus diaspora).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

Agreed. It is not like all parents of Indian Girls are keeping them away from other people's houses. I am Indian and I knew one family like that growing up out of a very large Indian Community. The rest of us grew up going to other people's houses, sleepovers, events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

+100.

Hang on a sec. I am not generalizing or trying to criticize, or whatever. And I am trying to shorten words to type faster, not be snarky. But all told, I have run into 5 situations , all involving different girls, in the last couple of years. The one involving DS's academic team will probably continue this entire year. Since we need to make this work for all team members, I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on; and what I can do about it. Also, I'm a little uncomfortable dropping DS off twice a week at a home where I cannot communicate with the responsible adult(s). And having the coaches blocked from attending is a problem. We are going to have a much easier year if the team can meet at different homes, the coaches have access to coach, etc. In the current situation, we have one set of parents making things difficult for an entire group of kids. I'm sure there are thousands of Indian Girls in FCPS who do not have overprotective parents. This isn't about them. This is me trying to understand the cultural issues at play. And implying I'm racist because I'm running into these issues doesn't help. (If anything, the parents who won't let a child study at my house, with me home to chaperone teenage children are the racist ones). Seriously DCUM: why is this happening, and what can I do to make things easier?

[Anonymous]

For the school/group work issues - involve the relevant teacher or school guidance counselor. Perhaps workspace can be made available at school for the duration of the project.

Find a neutral location for the soccer stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

+100.

Hang on a sec. I am not generalizing or trying to criticize, or whatever. And I am trying to shorten words to type faster, not be snarky. But all told, I have run into 5 situations , all involving different girls, in the last couple of years. The one involving DS's academic team will probably continue this entire year. Since we need to make this work for all team members, I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on; and what I can do about it. Also, I'm a little uncomfortable dropping DS off twice a week at a home where I cannot communicate with the responsible adult(s). And having the coaches blocked from attending is a problem. We are going to have a much easier year if the team can meet at different homes, the coaches have access to coach, etc. In the current situation, we have one set of parents making things difficult for an entire group of kids. I'm sure there are thousands of Indian Girls in FCPS who do not have overprotective parents. This isn't about them. This is me trying to understand the cultural issues at play. And implying I'm racist because I'm running into these issues doesn't help. (If anything, the parents who won't let a child study at my house, with me home to chaperone teenage children are the racist ones). Seriously DCUM: why is this happening, and what can I do to make things easier?

Ask the parents! Pretty simple. And sorry, you may not be a racist but you are rude. I guess all black kids steal too, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:



Anonymous wrote:
This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

+100.

Hang on a sec. I am not generalizing or trying to criticize, or whatever. And I am trying to shorten words to type faster, not be snarky. But all told, I have run into 5 situations , all involving different girls, in the last couple of years. The one involving DS's academic team will probably continue this entire year. Since we need to make this work for all team members, I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on; and what I can do about it. Also, I'm a little uncomfortable dropping DS off twice a week at a home where I cannot communicate with the responsible adult(s). And having the coaches blocked from attending is a problem. We are going to have a much easier year if the team can meet at different homes, the coaches have access to coach, etc. In the current situation, we have one set of parents making things difficult for an entire group of kids. I'm sure there are thousands of Indian Girls in FCPS who do not have overprotective parents. This isn't about them. This is me trying to understand the cultural issues at play. And implying I'm racist because I'm running into these issues doesn't help. (If anything, the parents who won't let a child study at my house, with me home to chaperone teenage children are the racist ones). Seriously DCUM: why is this happening, and what can I do to make things easier?

What DCUM has already told you is that your specific experience with a particular girl on your DD's academic team reflects one particular girl and her parents' choices, not her ethnicity. What do you want us to tell you? We don't know the family in question, all we can tell you is that there are plenty of Indian families who do now behave in the way you are describing. Go talk to the girl's parents directly about your concerns or the teacher if it bothers you so much rather than spewing stereotypes on a public forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Anonymous wrote:
This is not what parents of "IGs" do. This is what a few parents you have run into did with respect to the dealings you had with them.

I am Indian-American and was allowed to go to the houses of all my female friends, including tons of sleepovers. I was allowed to go to any school or extracurricular meetings at any person's house.

I have coached Science Olympiad teams at the elementary level and had many Indian kids on the team. I have never run into this problem with their assigned meetings or mentors.

Back away from the generalizations.

+100.

Hang on a sec. I am not generalizing or trying to criticize, or whatever. And I am trying to shorten words to type faster, not be snarky. But all told, I have run into 5 situations , all involving different girls, in the last couple of years. The one involving DS's academic team will probably continue this entire year. Since we need to make this work for all team members, I am genuinely trying to understand what is going on; and what I can do about it. Also, I'm a little uncomfortable dropping DS off twice a week at a home where I cannot communicate with the responsible adult(s). And having the coaches blocked from attending is a problem. We are going to have a much easier year if the team can meet at different homes, the coaches have access to coach, etc. In the current situation, we have one set of parents making things difficult for an entire group of kids. I'm sure there are thousands of Indian Girls in FCPS who do not have overprotective parents. This isn't about them. This is me trying to understand the cultural issues at play. And implying I'm racist because I'm running into these issues doesn't help. (If anything, the parents who won't let a child study at my house, with me home to chaperone teenage children are the racist ones). Seriously DCUM: why is this happening, and what can I do to make things easier?

What DCUM has already told you is that your specific experience with a particular girl on your DD's academic team reflects one particular girl and her parents' choices, not her ethnicity. What do you want us to tell you? We don't know the family in question, all we can tell you is that there are plenty of Indian families who do now behave in the way you are describing. Go talk to the girl's parents directly about your concerns or the teacher if it bothers you so much rather than spewing stereotypes on a public forum.

Amen! Take the Indian out of the equation and approach the parents and the coaches just as you would any other situation.

[Anonymous]

I know a ton of Indian American recent immigrants. Never encountered this. I think it's just those families you've happened to meet. It's not that surprising that you are running into stricter than typical parents in the Science Olympiad -- it's a rare kid that's going to gravitate toward that 'extracurricular without a parent's strong involvement.

[Anonymous]

I know a white girl who has the same restrictions. Some parents are very strict and have extremely strict rules.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't understand why PPs are accusing you of racism and not actually acknowledging that there is a significant logistical and possibly safety issue here (not allowing parent coaches inside the house). The parents trying to change the rules of these teams are being extremely rude, in my opinion. And I'm a foreigner myself - I'm not racist towards a particular group.

I haven't experienced this with my kids, so hopefully other PPs will chime in with helpful advice. My children are younger and so far we've only had supervised playdates with DD's friends who have Indian heritage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Riddle me this DCUM. Our family is white. DD, who is now late ES, had a "best friend" (Indian girl) who lived in out neighborhood for several years before she moved. Although she and DD could meet up on the playground, with the friend's mom watching, DF (dear friend) was never allowed to come over to our house-- not even for DD's birthday party. In fact, DD so wanted DF at her birthday party (which was at our house), that I extended the invitation to the DF's mother as well, and told her she was welcome to stay for the whole thing. I always thought the mom was a bit overprotective, because DD had her other neighborhood friends come over to play without a problem, and DF was prohibited from visiting other homes in the neighborhood too.

Fast forward to this year. DS, who is in late MS, is on a very competitive academic team, that practices about 15 hours a week outside of school, often at team members' homes. One of the members of the team is an Indian girl (IG). The entire team managed to coordinate the timing for several practices at the homes of various team members (once at our home, and the home of another team member). I made it clear that I would be home while they practiced, and offered to provide pizza & snacks so they could work through dinner. It seemed like it was settled, when IG's mother stepped in and said that IG could only meet with the team via Skype from her home. For logistical reasons, this doesn't work, and all of the members of the team have to be present for practice. When the head coach said that all team members must be present in person or they would be dropped, the mother agreed-- but only if the team practices are at IG's house. Weirdly, neither the mother nor the father can be present-- just the grandmother, who has minimal English (which makes me a little uncomfortable). Additionally, Also, some of the parents have volunteered and scheduled to act as coaches (DH was supposed to coach one night), but IG's mother has said that parent coaches "aren't necessary" (they are) and should not attend.

This isn't the only time I have run into this. Twice last year, once for Science Olympiad for DD (who was in 5th) and once for a group school project for DS (who was in 7th), parents of Indian Girls refused to allow them to come to our house (Science Olympiad) or the house of a team member (the group project), which caused a lot if inconvenience, and made it hard for the kids to do their projects. For my DD's birthday party last year (a different party) a different IG as not allowed to come (not had a conflict-- not allowed).

My question: what the he** is going on? Since I have an 11 year old DD, I understand the need to exercise caution, [u]and I don't casually let he go to stranger's houses. But we live in a typical, safe upper middle class Fairfax County neighborhood, are involved in our children's schools and never invite other children to come over to our house unless there is a parent home (usually me). As our DC's get older, they hare having more and more group projects or extracurricular activities that require the kids to meet outside of school-- which seems reasonable to me if I verify that a project exists, take the child to the house, meet the parent, leave them with a phone, etc. Other parents with kids in the same age range (11-14) seem to feel the same way. So what's up with the parents of Indian Girls? This keeps happening-- and not just when it's our home. Honestly, I'm getting a little pissed off. So what's the reasonable explanation?

Sounds like you already know the answer to your question. These families exercise caution differently from you. Assume they have a valid reason and go with a good heart and mind onward. Would you feel differently knowing the mother, of whatever nationality, felt this way because she was gang raped during a "study session" when she was 12? They offered their home and presumably your child will be fine even if the grandma doesn't speak much English, no?