Wife doesn't like my work hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that your hours are fine OP, but it also sounds like your wife is feeling neglected. You spend your weekends out with your daughter, but maybe your wife wants to have family time or even date time? Maybe that is why she's suggesting so many trips because she wants to spend some family time together and some husband/wife time together. sounds like both of you are a bit disconnected from each other and need to sit down and have an honest conversation. you need to step away from the "look how good you have it" argument and she needs to talk about what is really going on.

I don't think either of you are right or either of you are wrong. I think there is some serious underlying issues going on.

I agree with this too, your wife sounds like she is probably neglected and lonely. Many married couples spend the evening having dinner, prepping for the next day, etc, but you are out at events. I would suggest you plan a weekly date night or try and find some way to reconnect and improve your communication.

[Anonymous]

Is there anything else you do around the house, especially with YOUR child besides do drop off once a week? Do you do the evening routine? Take her to the park alone on the weekends? Cook dinner? Grocery shop? Take care of contractors/home repair?

I think we need a better sense of how you and your wife share the household and childcare responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

People asked what you do for your child and you said you drive him to school at least once a week. Big whoop. If that's the best you can point to, you need to step things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

Probably other stuff too, but definitely agree with these posters. I know personally for me it's not usually the absolute hours but the inability to plan around my spouse's schedule *because I don't know it* that drive me bonkers - I think it can be easy to assume your spouse knows your plans when they don't. I know my husband often feels I'm bugging him about when he's getting home, and probably thinks I'm riding him about his hours, when the biggest part for me isn't the time itself, but just knowing in advance when it will be, if we should factor him in for dinner, etc. I also really appreciate it when he includes me in scheduling decisions to the extent possible. So things like 'I've got a lot of work this week and need to pull 2 late nights - are there days that would work best for you?' go a long way for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

Probably other stuff too, but definitely agree with these posters. I know personally for me it's not usually the absolute hours but the inability to plan around my spouse's schedule *because I don't know it* that drive me bonkers - I think it can be easy to assume your spouse knows your plans when they don't. I know my husband often feels I'm bugging him about when he's getting home, and probably thinks I'm riding him about his hours, when the biggest part for me isn't the time itself, but just knowing in advance when it will be, if we should factor him in for dinner, etc. I also really appreciate it when he includes me in scheduling decisions to the extent possible. So things like 'I've got a lot of work this week and need to pull 2 late nights - are there days that would work best for you?' go a long way for me.

Yep. I'm the first PP here, and that's exactly it. In some cases, particularly with travel, I may get a "I have to do this," but my needs and wishes are considered to the greatest extent possible, and if a window of time has been blocked out beforehand, he does tell work no.

[Anonymous]

The way I see it is, your wife works 50% time which means you need to be doing 25% of the childcare/housework stuff. Sounds like you're not.

[Anonymous]

She choose to go back to work. It wasn't a financial decision but one so as not to be bored all day. I support either decision.

Have to say, you sound very disrespectful of your wife.

[Anonymous]

PP DW here. There you go OP - the majority think that although you are working to make your family's life comfortable you are totally at fault for not understanding what your wife is going through. Working PT and taking care of one child is much more taxing than your FT up and coming career. You only goal in this situation should be to kowtow to your DW and make her life even easier. LOL

Sarcasm aside, I do think that you have to make a better effort to keep her informed of the scehdule IF that is in fact the issue. I would also advise you see what you can take on. For example, get DC up earlier so that you can take over the morning routine. That being said, if your DW's beef is that amount of hours you work, I would tell her firmly that there is nothing you can do about that unless she wants to get a FT job to take on some of the financial burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

That should read daughter.

Seriously?

That's a weird mistake.

troll post
Who confuses a daughter for a son?

[Anonymous]

If this isn't a troll post, methinks wife is a prima donna and husband is clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in finance but have actually very "attractive" hours for the work that I do. With our 4yr old daughter in school, wife has decided to go back to work partime (10-2:30). I used to leave the house at 7:30 and get home around 5:45 and on a number of occasions I have events with clients of the firm etc at night. Well she's constantly complaining about my hours, about how I leave home so early and how she has to get our daughter ready and EVERY night she asks "Do you have anything tomorrow night" in a tone that is so passive aggressive I've started opting our certain events. This is going to hurt my career and she fails to understand, even though she says she does, that I'm working pretty normal hours for a mid 30s guy trying to move up the ladder. It's frustrating and unfair.

Wow, I'm jealous of your hours. DH works longer hours. With our first child, I worked full time and we manged to make it work. She doesn't know how good she has it.

She probably wants to spend more time with you. Perhaps you should schedule date night once or twice a week so that she knows she has your attention on those days. You need to communicate your schedule to her (with regards to staying late.) I like to know if my DH is going to be late so I don't worry that he's in an accident. Just common courtesy.

In general, you do need to communicate. I wonder what does she think is a "good" schedule for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this isn't a troll post, methinks wife is a prima donna and husband is clueless.

I actually think OP was backhandedly trying to get the SAHM/WOTH wars kicked off again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this isn't a troll post, methinks wife is a prima donna and husband is clueless.

+1

He's so involved with his family, he doesn't know if he has a son or daughter? Maybe that's why his wife is upset with him. I would be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Hire a child's helper or house keeper to help in the evenings when you will work late. Maybe just hire for every night, but frees her to focus on kids and not try to cook, clean, etc alone.
Much cheaper than divorce or therapy

Wife here. This is bullshit. Parents when I was growing up just got up off their lazy asses and did what they had to do. Why should every helpless whiner get to waste their family's hard earned money on "help" when one spouse only works PT?

I have a FT professional job. I dropped of my son at PS, worked from 8:30-5, picked up my son from PS, took him to dinner, took him to gymnastics, got home, took the trash to the curb for pickup, did laundry while DH put our son to bed, spent 1.5 with DH, went to sleep, got up this morning and did it all over again. OP's wife sounds like an entitled brat to me.

Right!?! She works part time and has one four year old. Mother's helper my ass.

Nothing wrong with outsourcing. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean others should feel the same, especially if they can afford it.

OP, I think the wife needs to suck it up as having a full-time job is demanding but yes, let her know when you aren't available and it isn't a horrible idea to hire an evening helper 10-15 hours a week to do dinner prep, light up keep, errands here and there, a few loads of laundry, hang out with dc, etc. I did this is college for a family of two working parents and I never thought they were being lazy. No, wife doesn't work full-time but if it makes it easier for the household, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP DW here. There you go OP - the majority think that although you are working to make your family's life comfortable you are totally at fault for not understanding what your wife is going through. Working PT and taking care of one child is much more taxing than your FT up and coming career. You only goal in this situation should be to kowtow to your DW and make her life even easier. LOL

Sarcasm aside, I do think that you have to make a better effort to keep her informed of the scehdule IF that is in fact the issue. I would also advise you see what you can take on. For example, get DC up earlier so that you can take over the morning routine. That being said, if your DW's beef is that amount of hours you work, I would tell her firmly that there is nothing you can do about that unless she wants to get a FT job to take on some of the financial burden.

The point isn't to assign blame. The point is to make both partners happier.

OP, you are not "totally at fault" for anything. You could probably smooth things over at home by respecting that your wife probably feels lonely, especially when you are suddenly not home at night. Whether she should feel that way doesn't matter. The point is, she does. I would start by letting her know, as soon as you know, when you won't be home. And if it wouldn't kill you, ASK. "hey, something came up at work for Thursday night. Is it a problem if I go?" If she feels that work always comes before her she is going to be upset. It also sucks when you are feeling burned out and then you realize that your evening relief is not coming.