Wife doesn't like my work hours

[Anonymous]

I work in finance but have actually very "attractive" hours for the work that I do. With our 4yr old daughter in school, wife has decided to go back to work partime (10-2:30). I used to leave the house at 7:30 and get home around 5:45 and on a number of occasions I have events with clients of the firm etc at night. Well she's constantly complaining about my hours, about how I leave home so early and how she has to get our daughter ready and EVERY night she asks "Do you have anything tomorrow night" in a tone that is so passive aggressive I've started opting our certain events. This is going to hurt my career and she fails to understand, even though she says she does, that I'm working pretty normal hours for a mid 30s guy trying to move up the ladder. It's frustrating and unfair.

[Anonymous]

Tell her, not us.

[Anonymous]

So did you want her to stay home and not work? Is it the complaining (which I agree seems over the top since your hours aren't unreasonable, but I don't know what her expectations are) what bothers you, or the fact that she's working?

[Anonymous]

Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

How many nights a week are we talking here? You might talk with your wife and try to set some boundaries so she knows you are trying to be around, but sometimes there will be busy periods, etc.

And, frankly, a little sympathy for your wife and any indication from you that you'd like to be spending time with your wife and child might help too. My DH has some rough hours periodically, but we weather it because I know he misses us and he makes up for it in other ways during less busy periods.

[Anonymous]

I can't say that I understand what it's like to be the primary breadwinner for a family. I know it causes my husband a lot of stress and inner strife and that for a while he constantly felt like he had to choose between his job and his family.

It sounds to me like your wife feels like you're choosing your job and career more often than you're choosing your family. My husband finally chose his family and cut back considerably on work hours. He doesn't make as much money now and won't over the lifetime of his career, but everyone is much happier. This is going to sound harsh, but it's true. You need to decide which is more important to you, your family or your career.

[Anonymous]

She's upset about something and you're not going to convince her to be not upset by explaining the situation to her. Try to find out what the actual problem is- she needs more help, more attention, a creative outlet...And then try to help solve the actual problem.
It's possible that she doesn't know what the actual problem is, but in any case, you're not going to make her suddenly happy by just telling her to be happy.
If the issue is that she thinks you're prioritizing your job over your family life, try to think of other ways you can demonstrate your committment to family life.
Your career advancement is important to your family, but it's also important to you personally, so in some ways it's not fair to make your wife prioritize your career over her own goals. Find out what her goals are and help her work towards them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So did you want her to stay home and not work? Is it the complaining (which I agree seems over the top since your hours aren't unreasonable, but I don't know what her expectations are) what bothers you, or the fact that she's working?

She choose to go back to work. It wasn't a financial decision but one so as not to be bored all day. I support either decision.

[Anonymous]

You probably need to be a more hands on father.

[Anonymous]

OP here, but on the flip side she always talks about things that require money & time. About taking 3 short summer trips, those aren't cheap or about going to Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

That should read daughter.

[Anonymous]

5.45 is reasonable as long as your commute is not bad. But how many evenings a week are you going to business functions?

Do you help with the kid in the morning? Do you take shifts all by yourself on a Saturday and Sunday to make up for your lack of help during the week?

[Anonymous]

You are gone 10.25 hours and she's complaining? How long is your commute? My and DH's commute is 30 min and I think your hours sound great. Has your wife ever had a full time job. Most people with a 40hr a week job are informally expected to be in the office 45-50 hours a week. Once the kid is in school, can you stagger your schedule to do pick up or drop off most days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

That should read daughter.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5.45 is reasonable as long as your commute is not bad. But how many evenings a week are you going to business functions?

Do you help with the kid in the morning? Do you take shifts all by yourself on a Saturday and Sunday to make up for your lack of help during the week?

Yes! I take her everywhere during the weekends! And then wife complains that we "don't do things as a family".