Wife doesn't like my work hours

[Anonymous]

OP. The problem is the profession I chose is one where people are expected to work long hours. Even before we had kids she always complained about my hours but not as much. However, ever quarter come bonus time she's texting me to find out how much I made. I've tried to explain to her, this is how we afford to send our child to this $20k plus pre-K. Even if we moved back to Atlanta or Charlotte I'd still have to work decent hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

I hear you, but that is not going to stop her from complaining about the number of hours he works - which is the point. In my view, DW needs to buck up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Hire a child's helper or house keeper to help in the evenings when you will work late. Maybe just hire for every night, but frees her to focus on kids and not try to cook, clean, etc alone.

Much cheaper than divorce or therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

I hear you, but that is not going to stop her from complaining about the number of hours he works - which is the point. In my view, DW needs to buck up.

Then divorce her. We are coming up with ideas and you are not paying attention. You sound like a very annoying husband and a fully neglectful father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Hire a child's helper or house keeper to help in the evenings when you will work late. Maybe just hire for every night, but frees her to focus on kids and not try to cook, clean, etc alone.

Much cheaper than divorce or therapy

She has one four year old. How incompetent is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

I hear you, but that is not going to stop her from complaining about the number of hours he works - which is the point. In my view, DW needs to buck up.

Then divorce her. We are coming up with ideas and you are not paying attention. You sound like a very annoying husband and a fully neglectful father.

PP here. I am not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Hire a child's helper or house keeper to help in the evenings when you will work late. Maybe just hire for every night, but frees her to focus on kids and not try to cook, clean, etc alone.
Much cheaper than divorce or therapy

Wife here. This is bullshit. Parents when I was growing up just got up off their lazy asses and did what they had to do. Why should every helpless whiner get to waste their family's hard earned money on "help" when one spouse only works PT?

I have a FT professional job. I dropped of my son at PS, worked from 8:30-5, picked up my son from PS, took him to dinner, took him to gymnastics, got home, took the trash to the curb for pickup, did laundry while DH put our son to bed, spent 1.5 with DH, went to sleep, got up this morning and did it all over again. OP's wife sounds like an entitled brat to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

I hear you, but that is not going to stop her from complaining about the number of hours he works - which is the point. In my view, DW needs to buck up.

Then divorce her. We are coming up with ideas and you are not paying attention. You sound like a very annoying husband and a fully neglectful father.

Many of us are chiming in here, not just OP. Basically, we're not cool with your assumptions that he is annoying and neglectful, when he sounds like anything but. They can probably do a better job of managing the calendar and negotiating as has been suggested. But attacking a man who is working hard to get ahead and support his family as neglectful is ridiculous. So check yourself, smartie.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading that she does not mind your regular work hours but does mind that you are gone in the evening too several times a week for dinners and events. That would get old with me too even if I was a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Hire a child's helper or house keeper to help in the evenings when you will work late. Maybe just hire for every night, but frees her to focus on kids and not try to cook, clean, etc alone.
Much cheaper than divorce or therapy

Wife here. This is bullshit. Parents when I was growing up just got up off their lazy asses and did what they had to do. Why should every helpless whiner get to waste their family's hard earned money on "help" when one spouse only works PT?

I have a FT professional job. I dropped of my son at PS, worked from 8:30-5, picked up my son from PS, took him to dinner, took him to gymnastics, got home, took the trash to the curb for pickup, did laundry while DH put our son to bed, spent 1.5 with DH, went to sleep, got up this morning and did it all over again. OP's wife sounds like an entitled brat to me.

Right!?! She works part time and has one four year old. Mother's helper my ass.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It sounds more like your wife isn't happy with being a SAHM. I know she works PT, but judging from her hours, it sounds like you are still the main paycheck earner in the family. 5:45 doesn't sound particularly late for a job in finance. Also, having worked in the financial sector,i definitely understand that the 30s are a critical time to advance one's career.

Given that your daughter is now in school for at least part of the day, it sounds like your wife's child care responsibilities have eased up a bit? It sounds like she's more resentful that she's doing more of the childcare responsibilities and you are focusing on the earning responsibilities.

I would try to talk to her about this and ask her what exactly she would like to change. It sounds like your family is relying mostly on you to earn the money and you are trying to do that. She sounds unreasonable.

In our family, both DH and I work and we are both very hands on with our 2.5 yr old. He does mornings and I do evenings. However, we deliberately chose to stay in jobs that allow us to balance family/work. My job is generally more stressful; however, most of the time I am able to log on/ or go back to the office after DD is asleep. It doesn't sound like your meetings allow for that.

[Anonymous]

OP, a shared calendar could save you both a lot of frustration. Your wife will know when you're going to be working late without having to ask, and you won't feel on the spot about your schedule every day. Another thing to think about: your daughter is old enough to be asking for you on nights you're not at home. Could that be part of the issue your wife is having but not actually telling you?

[Anonymous]

Your wife sucks basically.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Shoot, I also think that OP should take his DW to one of these evening networking things. I used to think that DH was out at these things eating, drinking and having the time of his life. He took to me to a couple of those things and I saw for myself that he was having to be "on" and was actually working - schmoozing and such. I realized that he would much rather be home but that he needed to network to get ahead.

So, I stick to earlier post that OP should try to be more engaged when he can, even keep a calendar as some PP's say, but at the end of the day the DW needs to accept that in exchange for that lifestyle, the hours are a must. It is just the nature of a lot of professional positions nowadays.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem with my husband. I feel for your wife. The only difference is I work until 5.

I know it will be hard for you to see things from her perspective, but when you have a spouse who has constant evening events it does take a toll on the other person. I have learned to tolerate it over the years so that my Dh can build a career, but it's definitely a drag on our marriage.