How can some people never get caught cheating?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand it, is it because they would never think their partner would cheat? or is it because they just aren't as bright as some people? i know some people cheat all the time and never get caught. My dad got away with an affair for two years when i was young, my friend was visiting hookers but always had a damn good excuse to cover himself. I believe if i would be in a relationship with someone like that they wouldn't get away with it for too long because i am too sharp ( at least i think so). I am so quiet everytime i am around people they think i am a saint but in reality i am cunning and manipulative, although i use it for the good not the bad.

Anyone who has every cheated how did you get away with it? and what do you do so that you won't get caught?

[Anonymous]

Have varying work hours depending on project schedule so I could easily hide it. Truth be told, it was a terrible time in my life and I am not interested in doing it again.

[Anonymous]

I think that in many cases, the spouse knows deep down that the person is cheating but is willfully ignorant because they don't want to deal with the implications.

I've never cheated, but I have been cheated on. And when I called out the person, I was made to believe I was paranoid. Well, we broke up, and then it came out that I was right.

That guy is now married with a child, and I'm certain he still cheats (it's part of his personality). In my opinion, he shouldn't be in monogamous relationships, but he wants both things -- a family/home life and the freedom to hook up with other women.

My guess is that his wife knows this. It's really obvious. But he's suave, very well-connected, et cetera. So my guess is that she accepts the cheating because she wants the other things that come with a life with him.

For me, the trade off wasn't worth it. It was clear that he was unwilling to change and that any suggestion that he was doing anything wrong would only be blamed on me. I moved on.

But I've seen a lot of relationships like that one. I met another man who hit on me and was married. I got the very real impression that I wasn't the first or only woman he tried to have an affair with. And I can't imagine his wife didn't realize that. But again, he made a very good salary, lived a high-end lifestyle, was smooth. So I figure his wife has made the trade off.

Different things are important to different people. I think in many cases people know and just pretend otherwise or they purposefully put on blinders so as not to know because they decide other things about the person are worth the infidelity.

For that reason, I stay out of such things. If I suspect someone I know is cheating on someone else I know, I just stay out of it. Unless you have hard proof, like a video, people will refuse to believe you and actually just turn on you for putting a wrinkle in the narrative they tell themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have varying work hours depending on project schedule so I could easily hide it. Truth be told, it was a terrible time in my life and I am not interested in doing it again.

Yes varying work hourse can be difficult to detect since you are changing times all the time, but if you're doing that all the time i would probably get a bad feeling or something and test you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that in many cases, the spouse knows deep down that the person is cheating but is willfully ignorant because they don't want to deal with the implications.

I've never cheated, but I have been cheated on. And when I called out the person, I was made to believe I was paranoid. Well, we broke up, and then it came out that I was right.

That guy is now married with a child, and I'm certain he still cheats (it's part of his personality). In my opinion, he shouldn't be in monogamous relationships, but he wants both things -- a family/home life and the freedom to hook up with other women.

My guess is that his wife knows this. It's really obvious. But he's suave, very well-connected, et cetera. So my guess is that she accepts the cheating because she wants the other things that come with a life with him.

For me, the trade off wasn't worth it. It was clear that he was unwilling to change and that any suggestion that he was doing anything wrong would only be blamed on me. I moved on.

But I've seen a lot of relationships like that one. I met another man who hit on me and was married. I got the very real impression that I wasn't the first or only woman he tried to have an affair with. And I can't imagine his wife didn't realize that. But again, he made a very good salary, lived a high-end lifestyle, was smooth. So I figure his wife has made the trade off.

Different things are important to different people. I think in many cases people know and just pretend otherwise or they purposefully put on blinders so as not to know because they decide other things about the person are worth the infidelity.

For that reason, I stay out of such things. If I suspect someone I know is cheating on someone else I know, I just stay out of it. Unless you have hard proof, like a video, people will refuse to believe you and actually just turn on you for putting a wrinkle in the narrative they tell themselves.

+1 to everything you said on this. Especially the fact that (A.) people willingly put on blinders in order to avoid dealing with it and (B.) they will turn on you for putting a wrinkle in the narrative they tell themselves. So so so so TRUE.

[Anonymous]

What's really pathological are the cheaters who: 1) justify it as necessary to keep the marriage intact; 2) wouldn't tolerate it in their spouses; and 3) hang on to non-cheating spouses in an almost parent-rebellion dynamic. Mainly guys, but quite a few women too: they who need the security of a loyal spouse whom they cheat on with others. They seem equally matched by really neurotic types who sleep with them to affirm their "sexiness."

The real losers in this dynamic are children of the marriage. Divorce in such situations is pointless because cheaters will almost always cheat again, ultimately leaving another kid/s abandoned when they divorce gain. IMHO, many people are just too immature to marry.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the type of cheating. Full blown relationship with another person that has expectations of time, attention, and money spent on them-hard to hide over time.

One off cheating on business trips, while spouse is out of town,etc that doesn't turn into a relationship is easier to hide I would imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the type of cheating. Full blown relationship with another person that has expectations of time, attention, and money spent on them-hard to hide over time.

One off cheating on business trips, while spouse is out of town,etc that doesn't turn into a relationship is easier to hide I would imagine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the type of cheating. Full blown relationship with another person that has expectations of time, attention, and money spent on them-hard to hide over time.

One off cheating on business trips, while spouse is out of town,etc that doesn't turn into a relationship is easier to hide I would imagine.

OK i think that's the reason why most men rather visit sex workers from time to time instead of having an afffair, but still if you visit a prostittute once a month the wife must be suspecting something don't you think? but yes i agree with what you said.

[Anonymous]

they never tell it to anyone or talk about it
they cheat with someone none of their friends/family/SO knows, preferably out of town
they have flexible work schedules
they don't see each other that often

[Anonymous]

My mom slept around on my dad all the time. He never figured it out. He just worked too many hours at his firm. He was at the office so much that she had tons of time to do it and still take care of the house and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:they never tell it to anyone or talk about it
they cheat with someone none of their friends/family/SO knows, preferably out of town
they have flexible work schedules
they don't see each other that often

This post nails it. Not all of the above applies in each instance but it covers in a few sentences how to avoid getting caught.

I came under fire on the thread that asked if cheating can actually be good for a marriage and I answered it was certainly the case based on my marriage. I am not about to open that debate again but what I would add to the above - if one wants to keep it from getting out - is to cheat with someone who has the same basic reasons for cheating as you do and who is just as anxious to keep it secret.

I wanted to ensure that my marriage stayed intact, my family was not hurt by it and the person who one is cheating with has as much to lose - perhaps even more so - if it ever became known.

The above combined with some basic precautions and the odds of it surfacing are minimal to none.

Finally, those who do get caught at some level are probably not averse to being found out because they leave clues that reveal what they are doing. Very few men are monogamous in the long run. I not seeking to justify my own conduct in saying this but am basing it what I know, for a fact, goes on with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:they never tell it to anyone or talk about it
they cheat with someone none of their friends/family/SO knows, preferably out of town
they have flexible work schedules
they don't see each other that often

This is my affair partner.
The wife knows, just doesnt care I guess.
She is not stupid.

[Anonymous]

My husband is not a suspicious or jealous man who has a low sex drive and is an introvert. I travel often for work, am an extrovert and have a high sex drive.

I think the fact that I came into our relationship with many male friends made DH not suspicious. I never hook up with men we are "family friends" with.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be pretty easy to get away with it in a lot of circumstances.

My DH travels a lot for work--he could easily cheat while traveling. And I could easily cheat here while he was traveling. Honestly, I think most people get caught just because they have 'affairs' with emotions. The sex itself is pretty easy to accomplish without having a spouse figure it out, but constant calls/texts/time away/etc, is harder to explain to a spouse. And, of course, one would like to believe that their spouse is not cheating on them--usually they have a lot invested in their marriage and it is painful and stressful to have to involuntarily rip all that up. It's not simply them being stupid.

You sound very arrogant and immature, especially since you seem to be proud of being 'cunning and manipulative'. I mean, seriously? Its not that hard to manipulate people, it is just amoral. These are the choices you make...