Cheating Husband Claims They Never Had Sex

[Anonymous]

Well, not actual intercourse, anyway. They saw each other regularly for years and had a very physical relationship. It doesn't appear that either loved the other or had a very strong emotional bond. Yet, he claims they never had actual intercourse because: 1) she had lots of partners and he was worried about catching something; 2) he didn't feel the need because he was getting his other physical needs met; and 3) he didn't want to raise her expectations of him. Apparently she didn't require much in the way of reciprocation either. Just a six pack, a ride home, and a few compliments. She had lots of other boyfriends.

It doesn't make sense to me that such a physical relationship would end with blowjobs. Yet she did, indeed, have a V.D. and my husband and I tested clean. So that backs up his story, or does it? A year into recovery, he has maintained this story, while admitting to all kinds of horrible betrayals. Actually, I'd rather they'd had sex because this story is so confusing and hard to accept, it makes me doubt everything else.

Do you think it's possible to have a purely physical affair that stops short of intercourse? Why draw the line there? Why lie if the "truth" sounds fishier than the lie? What else am I missing?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but is this detail about whether or not he inserted his penis into her vagina really even salient?

[Anonymous]

It's BS.

[Anonymous]

He not only has this affair with this particular woman, he then goes on to to basically call her gutter trash...who he fooled around with sexually but didn't go all the way.

You've accepted that about him. I agree with pp, no point in parsing out the minute details..is there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's possible to have a purely physical affair that stops short of intercourse? Why draw the line there? Why lie if the "truth" sounds fishier than the lie? What else am I missing?

#1 - Yes. Anything is possible.
#2 - Not everyone is giddy about intercourse. There are lots of men and women who are quite satisfied with oral gratification and would gladly draw the line there as they find it more fulfilling than sex.
#3 - Everyone lies but while its a skill developed in early childhood to keep us out of trouble that doesn't mean everyone is good at it or adept at knowing when to tell the truth vs. going with a lie.
#4 - You're missing some screws if you're mainly upset because your husband didn't go the extra mile and actually fuck the woman and catch an STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's BS.

Yes. Trollish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's possible to have a purely physical affair that stops short of intercourse? Why draw the line there? Why lie if the "truth" sounds fishier than the lie? What else am I missing?

#1 - Yes. Anything is possible.
#2 - Not everyone is giddy about intercourse. There are lots of men and women who are quite satisfied with oral gratification and would gladly draw the line there as they find it more fulfilling than sex.
#3 - Everyone lies but while its a skill developed in early childhood to keep us out of trouble that doesn't mean everyone is good at it or adept at knowing when to tell the truth vs. going with a lie.
#4 - You're missing some screws if you're mainly upset because your husband didn't go the extra mile and actually fuck the woman and catch an STD.

Bravo, well put. Especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, not actual intercourse, anyway. They saw each other regularly for years and had a very physical relationship. It doesn't appear that either loved the other or had a very strong emotional bond. Yet, he claims they never had actual intercourse because: 1) she had lots of partners and he was worried about catching something; 2) he didn't feel the need because he was getting his other physical needs met; and 3) he didn't want to raise her expectations of him. Apparently she didn't require much in the way of reciprocation either. Just a six pack, a ride home, and a few compliments. She had lots of other boyfriends.

It doesn't make sense to me that such a physical relationship would end with blowjobs. Yet she did, indeed, have a V.D. and my husband and I tested clean. So that backs up his story, or does it? A year into recovery, he has maintained this story, while admitting to all kinds of horrible betrayals. Actually, I'd rather they'd had sex because this story is so confusing and hard to accept, it makes me doubt everything else.

Do you think it's possible to have a purely physical affair that stops short of intercourse? Why draw the line there? Why lie if the "truth" sounds fishier than the lie? What else am I missing?

That P in V sex is not the be-all and end-all of sex. You're missing the forest for the trees here - why does it matter which parts of his body he inserted in to what parts of her body? You need to think about how you feel about the fact that he was inserting anything anywhere that wasn't an orifice of yours. Frankly, I think you're focusing on this irrelevant point to help you put things in perspective and deal with them. Understandable, but you have to realize that your husband's claims about what he did or did not do don't really matter at this point. What matters is what happened, and how it affects you now.

And just to go off on a tangent here, your phrasing is incredibly heteronormative and short sighted. There are plenty of couples out their who physically cannot or choose not to have P in V sex (or they both have V's, or both have P's, or WHATEVER). Do they not have "real" sex?

[Anonymous]

OH here. I'm not at all concerned whether he had intercourse. The other truths are far more damaging. I'm only concerned that he's lying about it now.

[Anonymous]

You can be sure that while he was seeing the OW "regularly, for years" he was telling her that he never had sex with you. That's what cheaters do, OP.

[Anonymous]

So, he had his penis in her mouth not her vagina and that makes things "less unacceptable?" Repeat after me....he had his penis in another woman's body. THEY HAD SEX!!!! Period! So take that issue off the table.

Put another way, decide on whether you can live with the "other truths." Splitting issues on the sex issue will get you nowhere. Whether he is lying or not is moot. They had consistent sexual contact over a period of time. That...you DO know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, not actual intercourse, anyway. They saw each other regularly for years and had a very physical relationship. It doesn't appear that either loved the other or had a very strong emotional bond. Yet, he claims they never had actual intercourse because: 1) she had lots of partners and he was worried about catching something; 2) he didn't feel the need because he was getting his other physical needs met; and 3) he didn't want to raise her expectations of him. Apparently she didn't require much in the way of reciprocation either. Just a six pack, a ride home, and a few compliments. She had lots of other boyfriends.

It doesn't make sense to me that such a physical relationship would end with blowjobs. Yet she did, indeed, have a V.D. and my husband and I tested clean. So that backs up his story, or does it? A year into recovery, he has maintained this story, while admitting to all kinds of horrible betrayals. Actually, I'd rather they'd had sex because this story is so confusing and hard to accept, it makes me doubt everything else.

Do you think it's possible to have a purely physical affair that stops short of intercourse? Why draw the line there? Why lie if the "truth" sounds fishier than the lie? What else am I missing?

That P in V sex is not the be-all and end-all of sex. You're missing the forest for the trees here - why does it matter which parts of his body he inserted in to what parts of her body? You need to think about how you feel about the fact that he was inserting anything anywhere that wasn't an orifice of yours. Frankly, I think you're focusing on this irrelevant point to help you put things in perspective and deal with them. Understandable, but you have to realize that your husband's claims about what he did or did not do don't really matter at this point. What matters is what happened, and how it affects you now.

And just to go off on a tangent here, your phrasing is incredibly heteronormative and short sighted. There are plenty of couples out their who physically cannot or choose not to have P in V sex (or they both have V's, or both have P's, or WHATEVER). Do they not have "real" sex?

You are right. I was short-sighted and heteronormative. I didn't mean to be insulting to anyone. That's my point of reference right now, but it doesn't excuse my ignorance. I'm sorry. As I've said twice now, I don't care about the details. Only the lying. Believe it or not, we are trying to work things out. I want to believe him. Not because I care about whether or not he had P in V sex. But because I want to believe what he's telling me now. That's all.

[Anonymous]

See, I think it's cheating when someone's genitals get wet.

[Anonymous]

I get what she is saying - he can't even fully admit the extent of his crimes.

OP, get out. He will do this to you again, no doubt.

[Anonymous]

I know this. If my husband had some skank sucking his dick, he can go live with her now because I wouldn't want his nasty ass.

Did you see an actual paper from a doctor or a clinic confirming she had an STD or do you believe your lying husband ?

Take out the trash girl. You deserve better.