Eeyore daughter and Tigger Mom, achieving balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to make her see the bright side. Each time you do that, you're dismissing her feelings. My mother is like this, and then complains I don't talk to her. Well, I've been going through a VERY harsh time for almost two years, and her peppy comments just make me feel worse, and more alone, rather than better. I once said to her, "Just once, can't you just say 'Yeah, that must really, really suck!' so I know you're hearing me?" And she can't. So I don't talk to her.

...and listen without feeling like you have to swoop in with suggestions or advice. DD has been a typical teenager since she was about five. No kidding. Argues/debates everything, emotionally sensitive, lots of eye-rolling and defensiveness. We have to set strict limits, call her out on rude/disrespectful comments and...wait it out...she's 17. DD can't take criticism DD knows absolutely everything and tends to be haughty (typical). Lots of listening and acknowledging and tough love and natural consequences in our house.

My MIL and I clash personality-wise; she tends to be dismissive of feelings and I understand firsthand how this makes ME feel - ignored and hesitant to share, so I share very little anymore. Again, listening and acknowledging the problem/feelings is so helpful. Sometimes a loved one just wants to vent and hear themselves think aloud. Not helpful to offer "advice" ("it's a stage" or "at least you are not dealing with fillintheblank" or "DH did X and look at him now" or "you really should be grateful that...") is absolutely maddening. I remind myself to just listen to DD and resist temptation to offer platitudes beyond acknowledging her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

+1
There are a few people in my life who never fail to amaze me with their optimism, empathy, good nature, and sense of humor. The reason I find myself in awe of them is because they have each had horrific life experiences which you would expect would color their view of the world. Instead, they've persevered in the face of adversity and are clearly trying to make the most out of the life they've been given. They have my utmost respect.

[Anonymous]

I'm an Eeyore, as it were. Please, please, please, stop trying to get your daughter to look on the bright side. Listen to her. Tell her it's okay to feel sad about things. Ask open-ended questions about what she's feeling and why. Talk her through solutions rather than presenting them as prescriptions. Help her figure out what makes her feel better, and then facilitate that. You don't have to pretend that you aren't an optimist, but the fact that she isn't isn't a character flaw and your way is not necessarily superior or the better way to be. You are different people. Honor that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

Your personal experience has been quite different from my personal experience.

Yes, but you didn't qualify your statement as personal experience. You applied it to all Tiggers.

Oh, OK: I cannot abide (INSERT: "any of the") Tiggers (INSERT: "I've encountered") in life, but.....

Better?

Also, I agree with the PPs who remarked on just how irritating Tigger-the-cartoon is. Even as a child, he really irked me: it was clear that his manic, determinedly upbeat joy and twitchy, perpetual motion came with a tremendous lack of self-awareness: Tigger's "friends" were super irritated by this. Also, Tigger was the least intelligent of Pooh's friends.

AND, his song was an ear-worm that I STILL remember: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs! They're bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun FUN! And the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm THE ONLY ONE!" See, that doesn't even make sense: he's referring to himself in the plural ("most wonderful thing about TiggerS, is TiggerS are wonderful thingS", etc.), but then refutes himself with the "I'm the ONLY ONE" line. Tigger can't follow his own thought through to its conclusion without getting lost in his own words. Tigger can't sit down long enough to focus enough on his own thoughts to even make sense. Tigger clearly has slow processing speed and severe, untreated ADHD, and Tigger has severe social issues for which he requires therapy and maybe a shadow aid. Tigger really needs an IEP. Tigger's optimism comes at a terrible price; he is not someone I want influencing my child.

Eeyore is a little emo, but he'll be OK.

[Anonymous]

oP here, thanks everyone. The conversation and views on both sides have really given me food for thought. I do love her so and am going to pursue listening, not steering toward the bright side (which has been my tendency in the past). Her Dad's family has a history of depression, which I hope skips her but time will tell. You have all been most helpful, I appreciate having a place to secretly vent my worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

Your personal experience has been quite different from my personal experience.

Yes, but you didn't qualify your statement as personal experience. You applied it to all Tiggers.

Oh, OK: I cannot abide (INSERT: "any of the") Tiggers (INSERT: "I've encountered") in life, but.....

Better?

Also, I agree with the PPs who remarked on just how irritating Tigger-the-cartoon is. Even as a child, he really irked me: it was clear that his manic, determinedly upbeat joy and twitchy, perpetual motion came with a tremendous lack of self-awareness: Tigger's "friends" were super irritated by this. Also, Tigger was the least intelligent of Pooh's friends.

AND, his song was an ear-worm that I STILL remember: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs! They're bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun FUN! And the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm THE ONLY ONE!" See, that doesn't even make sense: he's referring to himself in the plural ("most wonderful thing about TiggerS, is TiggerS are wonderful thingS", etc.), but then refutes himself with the "I'm the ONLY ONE" line. Tigger can't follow his own thought through to its conclusion without getting lost in his own words. Tigger can't sit down long enough to focus enough on his own thoughts to even make sense. Tigger clearly has slow processing speed and severe, untreated ADHD, and Tigger has severe social issues for which he requires therapy and maybe a shadow aid. Tigger really needs an IEP. Tigger's optimism comes at a terrible price; he is not someone I want influencing my child.

Eeyore is a little emo, but he'll be OK.

Wow, PP... Just wow.



On second thought, here's more than wow: I think you need help.
And again, wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

Your personal experience has been quite different from my personal experience.

Yes, but you didn't qualify your statement as personal experience. You applied it to all Tiggers.

Oh, OK: I cannot abide (INSERT: "any of the") Tiggers (INSERT: "I've encountered") in life, but.....

Better?

Also, I agree with the PPs who remarked on just how irritating Tigger-the-cartoon is. Even as a child, he really irked me: it was clear that his manic, determinedly upbeat joy and twitchy, perpetual motion came with a tremendous lack of self-awareness: Tigger's "friends" were super irritated by this. Also, Tigger was the least intelligent of Pooh's friends.

AND, his song was an ear-worm that I STILL remember: "The most wonderful thing about Tiggers, is Tiggers are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs! They're bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun FUN! And the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm THE ONLY ONE!" See, that doesn't even make sense: he's referring to himself in the plural ("most wonderful thing about TiggerS, is TiggerS are wonderful thingS", etc.), but then refutes himself with the "I'm the ONLY ONE" line. Tigger can't follow his own thought through to its conclusion without getting lost in his own words. Tigger can't sit down long enough to focus enough on his own thoughts to even make sense. Tigger clearly has slow processing speed and severe, untreated ADHD, and Tigger has severe social issues for which he requires therapy and maybe a shadow aid. Tigger really needs an IEP. Tigger's optimism comes at a terrible price; he is not someone I want influencing my child.

Eeyore is a little emo, but he'll be OK.

Wow, PP... Just wow.



On second thought, here's more than wow: I think you need help.
And again, wow.

If you don't see that PP was joking, and that her post was hilarious, you have NO sense of humor.

So "wow" to you.