Jewish but hate sitting in synagogue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do all you folks go to Conservative shuls that do not use the new mahzor? In addition to good translations (which they have always had, so I do not know why y'all do not know what you are singing) it has lots of good explanations, historical notes, as well as philosophy and poetry in English.

Also, if you are serious about any kind of Jewish culture, including secular it is good to learn some Hebrew. Much of the Hebrew of the prayer book really is not that hard. Loads of words are used again and again.

NP. I know that you mean well but when you throw in words like "mahzor" you are not helping. Why can't you just say prayer book so that everyone who reads this understands what you are talking about? The Op speaks for so many people who don't want to affiliate with a congregation be it Conservative or Reform and that is why congregations are losing members (and conservative synagogues are losing at a higher rate nationally). With rare exceptions, everything is the same as it was 30 years ago and we are not changing to reach younger people (or, for that matter, older people who want something different). I am in my mid-40's and I loved going to the conservative services I was raised with. But I need something different now. I am actually on the board of my Reform Temple (in another city -- I used to live in DC) and it is really hard to change -- some members want change and some want everything to stay the same. Op is not unique. Just telling her to read the translations is not enough and it is not going to get younger people in the door (or they will be there while their kids need Hebrew school and then they will leave -- that's not a true community). There needs to be real change or synagogues/Temples are going to eventually start to close b/c Jews will find community elsewhere.

I have sort of the opposite problem from OP. I was raised in a Conservative shul and it's what I know and love. We go to High Holidays services without fail, occasionally go to Shabbat or Saturday morning services, and will enroll our kids when they're old enough. But we won't join until the kids need Hebrew school because (a) it's too expensive and (b) we really only want the services. We have tried a few times to meet people at shul but we never click with them. It's like they're too Jewish for us. We don't keep kosher or Shabbat and we have lots of non-Jewish friends. When we meet other couples our age at shul, it's like their life revolves around shul. They do Shabbat every week and they have big get togethers and they go on religious retreats and they talk about Israel all the time. That's just not us. When we read the offerings for different groups or meetings or whatever, none of them ever appeal to us. And if one does, we don't have the time. We really just want to go to shul and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOTS of people (I'm Jewish too, but presumably this is in any religion) like the community but feel disconnected from the ritual. Jewish women in this position tend to either commit to learning Hebrew and maybe even do an adult bat mitzvah class OR they skip services and participate in the volunteer opportunities like prepping food, being a greeter or usher, babysitting, etc.

Yes, I am the OP. I feel completely disconnected from what is going on in the synagogue. Just was never part of my upbringing. Your suggestions are good ones. Just don't ask me to stand for hours, up and down, trying to follow prayers I am not familiar with. I get so much more out of community participation than I do, services.

Well, for starters, try reform. Then go to some learners services. You will feel a lot less alienated when you know what you are doing. Go to Friday nights, since they are more accessible, If that still doesn't engage you, then do the things you enjoy, behave like a mensch and don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do all you folks go to Conservative shuls that do not use the new mahzor? In addition to good translations (which they have always had, so I do not know why y'all do not know what you are singing) it has lots of good explanations, historical notes, as well as philosophy and poetry in English.

Also, if you are serious about any kind of Jewish culture, including secular it is good to learn some Hebrew. Much of the Hebrew of the prayer book really is not that hard. Loads of words are used again and again.

NP. I know that you mean well but when you throw in words like "mahzor" you are not helping. Why can't you just say prayer book so that everyone who reads this understands what you are talking about? The Op speaks for so many people who don't want to affiliate with a congregation be it Conservative or Reform and that is why congregations are losing members (and conservative synagogues are losing at a higher rate nationally). With rare exceptions, everything is the same as it was 30 years ago and we are not changing to reach younger people (or, for that matter, older people who want something different). I am in my mid-40's and I loved going to the conservative services I was raised with. But I need something different now. I am actually on the board of my Reform Temple (in another city -- I used to live in DC) and it is really hard to change -- some members want change and some want everything to stay the same. Op is not unique. Just telling her to read the translations is not enough and it is not going to get younger people in the door (or they will be there while their kids need Hebrew school and then they will leave -- that's not a true community). There needs to be real change or synagogues/Temples are going to eventually start to close b/c Jews will find community elsewhere.

There ARE some counter-examples here, though. The Conservative shul I belong to has modernized over the last decade to a degree that's shocking to anyone who knew it back in the day, and its membership is now growing -- which is particularly surprising given the broader trends you're mentioning here, PP. It has been a very welcoming community to me (with years and years of Hebrew school at a Conservative synagogue growing up) and my spouse (with no formal Jewish education) and our young kids, both for services and for other activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do all you folks go to Conservative shuls that do not use the new mahzor? In addition to good translations (which they have always had, so I do not know why y'all do not know what you are singing) it has lots of good explanations, historical notes, as well as philosophy and poetry in English.

Also, if you are serious about any kind of Jewish culture, including secular it is good to learn some Hebrew. Much of the Hebrew of the prayer book really is not that hard. Loads of words are used again and again.

NP. I know that you mean well but when you throw in words like "mahzor" you are not helping. Why can't you just say prayer book so that everyone who reads this understands what you are talking about? The Op speaks for so many people who don't want to affiliate with a congregation be it Conservative or Reform and that is why congregations are losing members (and conservative synagogues are losing at a higher rate nationally). With rare exceptions, everything is the same as it was 30 years ago and we are not changing to reach younger people (or, for that matter, older people who want something different). I am in my mid-40's and I loved going to the conservative services I was raised with. But I need something different now. I am actually on the board of my Reform Temple (in another city -- I used to live in DC) and it is really hard to change -- some members want change and some want everything to stay the same. Op is not unique. Just telling her to read the translations is not enough and it is not going to get younger people in the door (or they will be there while their kids need Hebrew school and then they will leave -- that's not a true community). There needs to be real change or synagogues/Temples are going to eventually start to close b/c Jews will find community elsewhere.

Mahzor is specifically a high holiday prayerbook, unlike a Siddur. It is what I call it, and these are words I knew when i was Reform. Also it is easy to google a word you don't know.

C is definitely very different from 30 years ago - we have gay rabbis, egalitarian language in the new "prayer books" , changes in music and style in many services (lots of places doing Carlebach style services) etc, etc. The J communities doing best now are either Orthodox, or the independent minyanim (prayer groups) dominated by millennials - places that ask for MORE commitment, not less. We have a lot we need to do - we need to be more outgoing as communities, maybe change our financial models (Chabad for example welcomes you in, and does not ask for money till you are a real part of the community - the minyanim ask for effort more than for money) - we do need to change, that I agree with. I do not think watering down services is the winning formula. I used to belong to a Reform shul where the service was 95% in English, the service was boring, and attendance (other than the high holidays) was minimal. Reform in recent years IIUC has added a lot more Hebrew - I saw the new Reform Siddur (prayerbook) and found it delightfully open to the traditional liturgy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have sort of the opposite problem from OP. I was raised in a Conservative shul and it's what I know and love. We go to High Holidays services without fail, occasionally go to Shabbat or Saturday morning services, and will enroll our kids when they're old enough. But we won't join until the kids need Hebrew school because (a) it's too expensive and (b) we really only want the services. We have tried a few times to meet people at shul but we never click with them. It's like they're too Jewish for us. We don't keep kosher or Shabbat and we have lots of non-Jewish friends. When we meet other couples our age at shul, it's like their life revolves around shul. They do Shabbat every week and they have big get togethers and they go on religious retreats and they talk about Israel all the time. That's just not us. When we read the offerings for different groups or meetings or whatever, none of them ever appeal to us. And if one does, we don't have the time. We really just want to go to shul and that's it.

Is it surprising that the people who you see in shul most outside the High Holidays are the ones for whom Judaism is a very salient part of their lives? I was going to suggest Reconstructionism for someone who wants a traditional service but is uncomfortable with expectations of observing kashrut (though plenty of very involved C Jews do not observe kashrut strictly at all) but I think there you would find even more people dong Shabbat regularly, going to retreats, and talking about Israel (if from a more leftwing POV)

I mean that is what Judaism is - something that is very much about the home, about involvement outside Synagogue services. The idea of going to services regularly, and not doing much else, is a Protestant model. Maybe there are still some classical Reform Temples like, that, but even within Reform that would be a minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sort of the opposite problem from OP. I was raised in a Conservative shul and it's what I know and love. We go to High Holidays services without fail, occasionally go to Shabbat or Saturday morning services, and will enroll our kids when they're old enough. But we won't join until the kids need Hebrew school because (a) it's too expensive and (b) we really only want the services. We have tried a few times to meet people at shul but we never click with them. It's like they're too Jewish for us. We don't keep kosher or Shabbat and we have lots of non-Jewish friends. When we meet other couples our age at shul, it's like their life revolves around shul. They do Shabbat every week and they have big get togethers and they go on religious retreats and they talk about Israel all the time. That's just not us. When we read the offerings for different groups or meetings or whatever, none of them ever appeal to us. And if one does, we don't have the time. We really just want to go to shul and that's it.

Is it surprising that the people who you see in shul most outside the High Holidays are the ones for whom Judaism is a very salient part of their lives? I was going to suggest Reconstructionism for someone who wants a traditional service but is uncomfortable with expectations of observing kashrut (though plenty of very involved C Jews do not observe kashrut strictly at all) but I think there you would find even more people dong Shabbat regularly, going to retreats, and talking about Israel (if from a more leftwing POV)

I mean that is what Judaism is - something that is very much about the home, about involvement outside Synagogue services. The idea of going to services regularly, and not doing much else, is a Protestant model. Maybe there are still some classical Reform Temples like, that, but even within Reform that would be a minority.

Judaism is a very salient part of my life, and the lives of my family. We just never got much involved with the Jewish community beyond services. And every time I try, I find myself really not liking the people I meet at shul. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

I also recommend a Reform shul. I was raised in a Conservative congregation in the Midwest and I can't sit through a Conservative service anymore. I belong to Temple Micah. I highly recommend the community, the rabbis, the services as well as all of the community activities. If you want a Conservative congregation, I've heard that Beth El in Bethesda is fairly progressive and the people are nice. I have a close friend who belongs there.