How unusual is it to have no close friends in your 40s?
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Anonymous
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I have a few long-time friends who live in other states and we talk about once a month but I don’t see them. Other than that, I really don’t have any friends. I’m also in my mid-40s. I did not see this coming. I had lots of friends when I was single up until my early 30s and then as everyone married and had kids or moved as we did, the ties that were already kinda weak weakened further then broke. So yeah, it all got harder after having kids.
The pandemic also had a big impact. People moved away or just became even more distant and more selective with who they associated with. Some also have grandparents close by, and that’s who all of their free time goes to. These days, maybe two mothers I know will reach out for playdates but I’m fully aware these are not mom friendship-driven calls. I can even tell by the way we’re asked to meet up that the other mom doesn’t want to be my friend— “Larlo would love to see Jimmy today and asked if he would like to go to the park with him,” as if the kid is speaking through a puppet. I’m looking forward to the day my kids can handle their socializing without having to sit on a bench with someone who really isn’t interested in being a friend. I do agree it’s a good idea to try to find friends who do not have kids because I do attribute much of the situation to schedules. I did have an older friend without kids but she and her husband moved far away because he retired. That is another consideration with older friends in a different life phase. They don’t need to stay in the pricey neighborhood for the schools, and it’s not like you’ll be dragging your family to the 55+ neighborhood to visit them in South Carolina. So, I don’t know what to do. I may have to force myself to join Meetup, if people still even do that, or sign up for yoga again. |
Anonymous
It’s not unusual - the Surgeon General has written about our “epidemic of loneliness.” People report having fewer close friends than previous cohorts and many don’t even have one close friend. It sounds counterintuitive, but I’ve developed and sustained friendships from all walks of life by being picky about those friendships. There has to be mutual interest and prioritizing of friendships, which (I think) you can often determine fairly quickly. If those aren’t there, I don’t try to get closer. It may not work 100% of the time, and I posted on the other friend about having gone through a painful friendship break up this year, but generally I’m very satisfied with my close friends. I’m not lonely. |
Anonymous
| Finding friends at work had become harder with hybrid and telework environments. We no longer have the consistency of seeing the same people every morning and developing patterns like getting coffee with specific people every morning or riding the train home with someone. Due to the nature of my work, everyone in my division is scattered all over different offices to serve specific groups, so we hardly see colleagues we have more in common with. Again, building friendships requires sone consistency. That’s how most of us found friends in college— we lived in the same dorm, went to the same classes, same clubs, walked from the dorm to the same hall together, etc. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for all the insightful replies.
The fact that I have no close friends has bothered me for a long time. I thought going to therapy and discussing it would help, but my therapist seems just as perplexed as I am because she doesn't see anything that I'm doing wrong or any major social skills issues. I also do really well at my job and I have a lot of interaction with clients (and my clients really like me and I get great feedback from clients), so no issues there and I think my social skills are good. So I'm not sure why I don't have any close friends, despite trying so hard. I have organized a few events in women's social groups like brunch, walks, and meeting to go to specific events, but I've never made any friends doing that either. I am open to friends of all ages and married/single as well as kids/childfree, but I haven't been able to make any friends who are not moms either. It's hard to make friends at my job because I work from home 90% of the time and we have very few staff meetings or opportunities to get to know co-workers, and it's also a very small office. I have done tons of volunteering at my kids' school over the years (room parent every year, PTA every year, random volunteering, chaperoning field trips) and I did make one nice mom friend through the volunteering when my oldest was in Kindergarten but then they moved out of state at the end of that year and we haven't kept in touch. I have a few acquaitnances from before kids who live in the area but they never seem to want to meet up (maybe once or twice a year) and that to me isn't a friendship. I reach out every few months but they're always too "busy" to meet up. I feel like that's the main problem--no one wants to make time for a friendship with me, everyone is too "busy." When the kids were toddlers/preschoolers I felt that other moms were more open to making friends, and we entertained a lot back then (Halloween parties, 4th of July parties, monthly game nights and brunches) but no one invited us so we decided to stop hosting and entertaining as much, and now entertain maybe once or twice a year. I have gotten to know some of the moms of my kids' friends, but they don't seem interested in a friendship with me either. The odd thing about playdates is that the kids do have a lot of fun and I have heard the kids ask their parents if my kids can come over to their house and the parents say no. We have had very few playdates reciprocated (maybe 2 total in the last 3 years). Someone asked if there's anything weird or offputting about me. I don't think there is other than that I have a facial hair problem that I work hard to keep under control (but if you look closely you can tell that I shave my face). Maybe that is the problem why other women don't like me? I've always wondered about that. The only other thing that could be an issue is my weight. I am very thin and have an athletic build and have gotten comments about this from other moms who have seen me eat (like how can you eat that much and be so thin?) It's like a critical thing and I feel them judging me. I have been the same weight since I was 14 (size 4) and most of my kids' friends moms are overweight, so I wonder if that is part of it? Other women are always asking about my exercise habits and I always tell them I exercise a few times a week even though I don't exercise other than walking. |
Anonymous
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I’m the poster that talked about church groups, etc. I will say that one of the things I have learned is the value of “loose connections” as well. So, make sure you continue to see people when you can, etc. And invite those loose connections to do things. You never know. But it is kind of like online dating. It is a volume business.
I also think you just have to get over the reciprocation thing. And just keep hosting. As long as people are showing up, they like you. Even if they don’t reciprocate. There are a million reasons why people don’t. I have people I consider good friends where I have no idea where they live (I know the general area, but not their street address). They don’t host. But they have been to my house dozens of times — maybe even a 100 times over the last 15 years. It doesn’t matter. |
Anonymous
I think a lot of women still function in high school mode. It’s practically a given with sone people. I’ve been ignored at the school bus stop. I don’t know what to do. Give it 10-15 years they’ll all be desperate for you to join their bridge or book clubs after the kids move away and the grandparents pass away. My 73-year-old mother has a better social life, probably because they all have nothing else to take up their time. Their husbands are couch potatoes and the grandkids are in school. So there’s hope 😂 |
Anonymous
| Very common op. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think there’s a good chance it’s the DC area that is the problem, not you. I felt the same and then we moved to a different (smaller, friendlier) city and I’ve had a much easier time making friends. I have a couple hobbies I do weekly and I’ve made friends pretty easily that way. I’ve also noticed people here just seem more open to friendship in a way that DC people didn’t. Everyone was just so busy there. Go easier on yourself! |
Anonymous
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Same boat, OP. I have been wfh permanently since we moved to the areas over 10 years ago. My company is out west.
We have such little time for socializing. It seems weekends are too busy with prepping for the following week, and shuttling my kid to/fro activities. My youngest is going to college in 2 years. I hope to become more active socially and travel more. |
Anonymous
PP with the similar situation to you who has made several close friends since moving. Doubt it is a weight issue. I don't work out but am a size 0, no one has ever commented on it. Also doubt it has anything to do with hair on your face. What are your values, interests, and passions? What's your personality? The only thing I notice in your posts is that you seem a little hard on yourself, which also makes you sound as if you're focused on yourself (I'm sure you're not). But what things outside you/your family light you up? I feel like most people become friends because they share a worldview in some way and their friends help them to keep expanding/growing in a direction they feel is important to them. Also, people want someone who shares a similar sense of fun. Whatever that means to them. I do not drink nor do I like sports or doing traditional "mom" stuff like volunteering at school or being really involved in community stuff. But I can stay out late at a party, love to laugh and joke, and am pretty clear on what matters to me. Looking for people who are passionate about the same things helps create that sense of clicking and having a shared world. |
Anonymous
OP, if you put off even a hint of the bolded, that could definitely be the issue. I don't know any place in this area where most women are overweight, save for the one or two naturally thin women. I have friends all over the size spectrum, but I don't abide judgment around weight or heaviness. That you even think this might be the issue - that *all* the women in your social orbit are *that* shallow and insecure - is a problem. P.S. - "athletic" builds come in all shapes and sizes. You know, bodies of athletes. It's not about being thin, contrary to popular belief. |
Anonymous
It sounds like you believe others judge you based on your physical appearance, and likewise that you judge others based on physical appearance. This is a very off-putting quality; my stepmother was this way, always commenting on others' looks - even if the person you're talking to isn't the one you are judging, it comes off very poorly. Likewise, if you talk about your own looks in a disparaging or overly concerned way, that is boring and awkward. Finally, OBVIOUSLY people won't want to be your friend if you are judging them for being overweight, even if you think you are hiding it, it's simply impossible to hide that kind of attitude. You're better off trying to befriend other thin women so you can start from that baseline of respect. |
Anonymous
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Places where I've made friends in this life stage:
Bible study: I'm not particularly religious, but this one was good for making friends Sports Groups: Pickleball, running or cycling club Work and alumni networking I haven't had much luck making 'mom friends' of the parents of my kids' friends |
Anonymous
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It’s unusual.
But with untreated mental disorders it can spiral that way. Some acute bouts with anxiety or depression can create it too if left to be chronic depression. People need people. |
Anonymous
| I have no friends as well, is so sad. |