How unusual is it to have no close friends in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

OP, we are the same age and I relate to a lot of what you said. I don’t have friends either. People will reach out to me on occasion, but I just don’t have the bandwidth to develop/maintain friendships. I work in the day and shuffle my kids around in the evenings and try to fit in dinner and other household chores in between. Weekends are crammed with sports/kid events and if I get a few hours to myself, I will probably opt for a nap. I envy people who have a close group of friends but it’s just not a reality for me, at least right now.

[Anonymous]

Try to make friends with childfree people, assuming you can talk about things other than your children. They will have more bandwidth than another working parent.

[Anonymous]

It’s the stage of life, OP - we are the “sandwich generation” and people are entrenched in balancing work, family and raising kids. Most of my close friends are from childhood through grad school - otherwise I have neighborhood friends but we really only see each other a few times a year fir organized events (otherwise we greet each other warmly at the grocery store and chat, etc). The few closer friendships u made have naturally waned with shifts in our lives and schedules. I’m an introvert so am content with it but what you describe is very common.

[Anonymous]

Friendships *I* made ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to make friends with childfree people, assuming you can talk about things other than your children. They will have more bandwidth than another working parent.

Agree. I am child-free but not child-negative. OP, if you want a friend who likes you for YOU and not just because you have motherhood in common, think about this.

I have plenty of time to do things with a friend or just keep in regular contact. I am even fine with going out and doing kid-related things once in awhile and have fun doing so because I do like to spend time with kids on occasion.

BUT I am not interested in a friendship where 90 percent of the conversations are about kid-related topics.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very unusual and sad

[Anonymous]

Same here op. I moved away for grad school and then again for my career so I have pockets of friends that are too distant and it’s just not manageable to maintain the friendships very well with young kids and job stress. Also dc being famously transient many of those friends have moved away too. Also I moved to a dc exurb where people have roots and aren’t very open to new friends it seems. I’m lucky I have a sister who is a best friend who I talk to regularly in the phone. I text with one pta mom friend a few times a week. I’ve also been burned by a couple neighborhood couples who seemed great but then ghosted us-it really made me want to stop trying. I don’t have much advice just commiserating. Parenting has been surprisingly lonely.

[Anonymous]

My ex didn't let me go out and meet with friends. I could definitely not make new friends and meet up with them during family time.
My friend number one who is a single mother is simply too busy to make friends. I meet up with her only when kids are at school and she happens to be off work.
My single 40s friend doesn't have kids and doesn't really care to hang around the kids or talk about them.
Shortly, all are busy of different interest. I hope it all changes when we retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to make friends with childfree people, assuming you can talk about things other than your children. They will have more bandwidth than another working parent.

+1. I have a bunch of close friends from law school, but we live all over the country. I moved to a new state when I was 31 and met my husband at 33. While I met acquaintance types and has plenty of social stuff to do. I wasn’t “close” with any of them.

At age 38, I had two kids. We moved neighborhoods and changed churches. The best thing I did was not focus on “mom friends.” Now, at age 50, I can really see how that doesn’t work for people. Your kids end up going different directions. Plus people with kids your age are just two darn busy. The reason I didn’t focus on this is my oldest has profound special needs. Moms could not relate to this and my kid was never going to be invited to play dates.

My closest female friend has never been married or had kids. The two of us go to dinner monthly with two women who have been “best friends” for decades. The four of us are now all close. But our main topic of conversations were about work when we got to know one another. We are all in senior leadership roles. Now, we talk about everything. One of the married women and her husband are now very close with my husband and I. But they are empty nesters while we are parents of middle schoolers.

We become quite close with our next door neighbors who were empty nesters and now have four grandkids.

We also invite people to our house regularly. It doesn’t matter that our house was built in the 80s or that the carpet is dirty. We have a church group of couples that come over once a month. That has been going on for 8 years so we are all close. We have movie nights and game nights. My husband is even more extroverted than I so that helps. He is great at meetings acquaintances and saying “come on over for X.”

I am not suggesting that this isn’t all hard and can be a lot of work. But not focusing on people in the exact same stage of life that you are in might help you. And you have to pick something to do and do it regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married 43 year old woman. We have lived in our area for 15 years and have two kids in elementary school. I tried so hard to do all the right things to make friends and build community. I joined mom groups, arranged playdates, went to moms' nights out, etc. when my kids were little, and then in preschool and elementary I was the room parent every year and volunteered with the PTA for various committees. I also volunteer in the community and am on the social committee for my neighborhood. We are involved in a church and I go to some social events and am on a committee.

Despite doing all of this, I have no close friends and no best friends. I have a bunch of acquaintances and casual friends who I might see once or twice a year for coffee or lunch, or chat with briefly at an event, and that's the extent of it. No one seems to want to keep in touch by texting or email. Other women don't seem to be interested in a friendship with me and I don't know why. I've read tons of articles about making friends and social skills and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I even talk about this issue in therapy and haven't made any progress or gotten any insights about what I can improve.

We don't get invited to anything, women never initiate plans with me, and I can't remember the last time we went to a party. I also can't remember the last time someone emailed or texted me out of the blue to say hi and see how I am (I do this every few weeks with my casual friends). We get 2-3 holiday cards per year (though we send out around 50). My kids have lots of playdates but always because I reach out and set up the playdates, none of their friends ever invite them so the playdates are almost never reciprocated.

We have no local family, and I do stay in touch with friends from high school and college, but none of them are local.

Part of the problem is that I don't have an activity I do weekly or where I see the same people over and over. I work from home and go into the office just once a week, we never got to know our neighbors so no relationships there, and I've never been able to make friends at my kids' swim class or sports. I wish I had an acivity that I saw the same people at weekly but not sure what that could be (we don't go to church every week).

I am very lonely, but at the same time wondering if it's even worth any more time and energy to try to make female friends when nothing has worked out so far? Am I just an unlikeable person?

Do you think maybe it’s where you live?

Like you I’m mid 40s with two elementary kids, moved to the area 13 years ago and have a job where I mainly work from home. I don’t do any of the volunteer stuff you do. I don’t really work out much. But I do have quite a few friends in the area.

— One is someone I knew from before. We weren’t close in college but we are good friends now and she has introduced me to her circle. We text and meet for lunch or drinks every few months.
— Two are friends introduced to me by one of my best friends who grew up here. I go to exercise classes and dinner sporadically with one, the other one has kids the same age as mine and we occasionally do dinners and have vacationed together.
— My three closest friends I met through our kids’ school. We go out to meals, do walks, get our nails done. We share all the real issues in our lives. Do birthdays and holidays together.
— Am friendly with some colleagues, enough to hang out occasionally for non-work-related drinks and dinner.
— Beyond this, there’s a cluster of five or so people who I’d really like to be better friends with if I had time. We hang out occasionally but always really enjoy each other’s company and have loose plans to hang out more.

Looking at this list, the main thing these people have in common is that they are not from the area or we are connected via people from a different place. I tend to click with people who are from elsewhere and have more of an outsider’s perspective on life here.

It took about 10 years for me to get to the point where I felt like I had real friends in the area, people who I genuinely enjoy and care about and who care about me. When the kids were younger and I was super busy with work it was very hard. Several of these relationships are pandemic relationships in that we became more selective about who we saw and that concentrated investment made us closer.

Beyond that, OP, I think you have to get more personal with people if you want to get to know them. Find out what they care about and see if you care about the same things. Socializing in mom’s groups or places where the conversation is superficial doesn’t cut it. To make friends with someone you need to find something else you have in common that you’re both passionate about, and the connection grows organically through talking about shared interests and values. What are you really into?

[Anonymous]

^^almost all these people have youngish kids too, so we’re all super busy and have similar expectations/ at a similar stage of life.

I am friends with a few older folks who I see once every few months, and I appreciate their perspective and wisdom. But I don’t have the experience of other PPs that you can’t be friends with other parents.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but same. I work at a school and that’s basically my only social interaction outside of family.

[Anonymous]

Wait till you become an empty nester and realize the only interaction you had with people were because of your kids and now your life is completely void of people. I can go weeks without talking to a single person beyond my fellow wfh coworkers. I wake up, log on, watch tv, and go to bed. Rinse, repeat. I have all this time to do stuff, but no one to do anything with. And yes everyone will say find a hobby or volunteer to meet people, but if all you know was kids and work, it is hard to start something new when you don’t know what it is.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never understood why women expect “best friends,” especially past middle /high school. Or a group of close female friends you see regularly to gossip and talk about everything with. The concept feels childish and unusual. Where does it come from? Hollywood? Sex and the city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till you become an empty nester and realize the only interaction you had with people were because of your kids and now your life is completely void of people. I can go weeks without talking to a single person beyond my fellow wfh coworkers. I wake up, log on, watch tv, and go to bed. Rinse, repeat. I have all this time to do stuff, but no one to do anything with. And yes everyone will say find a hobby or volunteer to meet people, but if all you know was kids and work, it is hard to start something new when you don’t know what it is.

Try social dance! It’s a fun group at least in this area. Highly recommend glen echo