New single mommy...complex situation. Need advice.

[Anonymous]

Nine weeks ago I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby. I am so in love. I am also a single mom, and in a complex situation I’m trying to navigate intelligently and humanely. Kind and level-headed advice is appreciated. Here’s the back story:

I have long desired a stable, loving partner and children. My education and profession made focusing on my personal life tough, and by my late thirties I hadn’t met a person with whom I could pursue those dreams. Fatigued with dating, I had a brief relationship with a much younger guy which I will admit, was mostly out of loneliness and frustration. “Men in their thirties date women in their twenties all the time”, I thought. Why not? Why not is that it was unfulfilling and frustrating. Many of us are projects in our twenties (I certainly was) and that’s exactly what this guy was. It lasted a few months and I ended it, realizing that loneliness was a poor reason to pursue this relationship and was also unfair to him. We split amicably, and minus a few passive aggressive texts and drunk dials from him, that was that.

A month later I learned I was pregnant. This was true birth control failure; no Russian roulette was played here. A completely unplanned event, but likely my only opportunity to have children. I informed him and let him know that I was prepared to support the baby physically, financially, and emotionally, but that he had a role as a dad if he wanted it. And that’s where I’m struggling: He drops by my apartment every now and then and holds her while she’s sleeping, but doesn’t do anything else. He claims he wants to be involved, but doesn’t offer any help. And I don’t need it, truthfully. I have a supportive community and am financially fine. The painful truth is that I’d be happy to never see him again. And that would not be right for my baby. I come from a blended family and was raised by two remarried parents and their loving partners, so I’ve seen a non-traditional family structure work quite well, and I still hope to meet and marry a partner someday. But healthy kids understand their roots, and whether I like it or not, he’s part of her roots. He may be young, clueless, and unhelpful, but she needs to know who her dad is. How do I involve him with my newborn when we don’t live together? Do I get him involved financially? (I'm the higher earner). Do I just let it be? My goal is to do the right thing for my baby. Any advice is appreciated. And please be gentle…I’m 9 weeks post-partum.

[Anonymous]

Single mom here. If you feel safe with your baby around him and you believe he will take good care of her, you should set up a financial support plan and a visitation schedule. If he lacks interest in her or his drinking is a problem or other such things, I'd be careful and I'd make him work for it.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to say, good luck and congratulations! And do your best to use your support system for emotional support as well.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! Despite these issues I really am amazed at how in love with her I am...she's going to be the light of my life. Re: him, I don't think he would be purposefully unsafe with her. He just has zero idea of what to do with a newborn. I don't blame him for that; I didn't either before her arrival. But it means I can't leave him alone with her to nap, get a break, work out, etc. This would be where he could get involved or help us, but it's just not safe or realistic. Thanks for your thoughts and nice words though.

[Anonymous]

If he is truly interested enough to show up, let him learn how to take care of her by showing him how to change a diaper, feed her, burp her, hold her, etc. Once he shows he can handle these things, why not take a nap and let him help?

[Anonymous]

You know, married women get told all the time that we have to leave our helpless husbands with our kids and let them figure out/learn for themselves. It's good advice for us but also for you. Stop assuming your way is the only way and let him try. The baby will be fine even if he doesn't do it your way or there are a few false starts.

If he doesn't want to be engaged that way, then just keep him as involved as you can until you DC is old enough to start really responding. At that point they will build their own relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP,

What does he want?
What if he wants overnights? Legally he has the right to them. If he's involved, it's not always going to be on your terms, him coming to your place, etc.
Not clear what else you mean by getting him involved financially. If he's got visitation, you would pay child support.
Also, thinking ahead, if you are a big traveler, you will need documentation from him if you travel alone with her to Mexico or Canada and to some other countries.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should clearly understand - what's in it for you? What do you want? I think he does not have much to offer financially or emotionally or othewise, honestly. He will only be in your way if you meet someone, for example.
I, for one, would not encourage his interest if it is not backed up by financial support, but that's just me. I think you have all the chances to meet someone, and you still have time, so you don't really need to make him "baby daddy". You could maybe keep him at arms length, not giving him any legal rights though, just in case there's no one else in say 2-3 yrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is truly interested enough to show up, let him learn how to take care of her by showing him how to change a diaper, feed her, burp her, hold her, etc. Once he shows he can handle these things, why not take a nap and let him help?

+1. It is a great practice to have Dad involved, and later on it can progress into scheduled visits. Then it will feel nice to have time to yourself! I would pursue child custody agreement, though you may not get much financial support. My parents were amicably divorced, and in my adulthood, my mom has said that she loved have a few days away from us - I would too!

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a legal situation so my advice is to get a lawyer and get some legal framework in place. As a pp said, the dad can ask for overnights with the child -- something tells me you might object to that, although you would have no right to. Similarly, should you ever become frustrated with him for any reason or disagree with the way he does things, you have zero right to withhold the child from him.

Also, you may be financially stable, but child support is for the CHILD -- he will owe his child money.

You need to get a formal arrangement in place. It need not be hostile at all -- I'd just have a conversation with him and suggest it's time to think about formalizing the relationship he has with his baby (and you).

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. These are really helpful comments. I know I need to initiate a real conversation with him about his wants and plans, and that I've delayed it, mostly out of fear. In my pregnancy he became very arrogant and entitled...making demands about everything from what neighborhood I'd live in to whether or not I'd breast feed. I asked him to see a counselor with me to navigate these issues; he attended 2 sessions and then quit. Our relationship has since improved; I think the presence of the baby has been a reality check for his assessment of his own behavior. But I'm also worried that in some crazy role-reversal situation I'd end up owing him money, even as the primary custodial parent. Regardless, I need to get over it and put these issues on the table for my baby. New mommyhood...not for the faint of heart. Thanks again, all.

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and will be a good mom. I think you've gotten some good advice. Definitely consult with an attorney before you have any serious discussions with him - given that he seems fairly passive now, you'll probably be able to get an agreement with him that is what you want. In the meantime, I would continue to encourage him to come by a few times a week to hold the baby, and start to teach him how to take care of her. (Diapers will need to be changed for at least another 2 years, so there is plenty of time for him to learn and do that! Same with feeding her.) Considering his maturity and lack of experience, he's probably not going to bond with the baby very quickly. It may be that he doesn't become very interested in spending much time with her until she is a few years old. But you are absolutely right that it is in her best interest to have a father in her life and know that he loves her, even if he only sees her 1x/week and you move on to marry another man who will act as her dad.

[Anonymous]

OP,

It's not some crazy role reversal situation. Yes you might owe him child support down the road, if he has visitation and you make a lot more than he does. I too suggest you meet with a lawyer and educate yourself about the range of possibilities here. Also down the road, he may want to spend more time with his daughter as she becomes more of a person (nine weeks is so young).

OP, life is long and this could go in a number of directions. I'd meet with a lawyer and then just go with the flow with him since both of you will likely have evolving thoughts about what makes sense.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I am in a sort of similar situation - my daughter is three months old and has a daddy that is not too interested, and I would rather not have him around at all. I have legal counsel, and according to them it would be better to come to an agreement with the other party outside the court system because then the father is basically guaranteed at least partial custody, unless he has been abusive. So I would definitely suggest talking with him about it and coming to some agreement (maybe supervised visits 1x per week?) and then put it in writing. When the time comes around each week do not initiate and contact and hopefully he will forget!

[Anonymous]

Personally, I'd try to get him to sign and agree to you having full custody. Then you work out visitation - but you don't want to be in a situation where he may want partial custody some day (maybe he gets married, etc). Also that way, you'll have an agreement that you can use anytime you need to travel (you won't need to get a notarized letter each time).