Dating a guy that makes less & going to school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to support him through school?

He should take out loans and get a part time job.

If you get married, he should pay off his loans out of his salary.

+1

DO NOT give him $ or pay his bills. Nothing wrong w dating, but sounds like he will be busy.

[Anonymous]

"I'm just not sure if I can support him through school."

If he's 30, going to school on his own accord, and doesn't have other responsibilities (likes kids, a wife, or a home), why would he need support (I'm assuming you mean emotional support)? If he's not up to handling this without you holding his hand, he's not up to being a husband and father, so question answered.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is an issue at all, I married a guy who makes less than me and he is 33. He is still in school, trying to get in to nursing school actually. I am an ICU RN with a BSN degree and trying to pursue a master's degree, I'm 27 and has been a nurse for 7 years. My husband works as a nursing assistant right now and I'm proud of it, he is very hardworking and such a gem. If you like a guy, you just like the guy and it doesn't matter how much or less he makes. As long as he is trying to grow and pursue things. Off note, most doctors/surgeons that I know met their wife/husbands before they were even doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

That is no excuse.

If that is the case, then he could always qualify for a Pell Grant through the government.

OP, this is a red flag that this guy isn't motivated and if you continue to date him, he will drag you down with him and it will wear you down as well.

[Anonymous]

My husband made less money than me when I married him and wanted to go back to school. After 10 years, his salary dwarfed mine. He now makes several million a year. Sadly, he was a nicer guy and better husband when he made less $$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

That is no excuse.

If that is the case, then he could always qualify for a Pell Grant through the government.

OP, this is a red flag that this guy isn't motivated and if you continue to date him, he will drag you down with him and it will wear you down as well.

Where in the OP did she even insinuate he was unmotivated? I would argue it takes incredible motivation to go back to school at 30. To paraphrase Martin Sheen, some of us don't measure a man's worth by the size of his wallet.

I guess I really am a liberal because I find this thread depressing.

[Anonymous]

My husband went back to school at 42 years old. He was enlisted military when I met him, and he is finally going to finish his bachelor's degree this fall. (He was a medic for most of his career, so plenty of training and skills, but no diploma.) My friends couldn't believe I was dating someone without a college degree, but it has been a complete non-issue for us. If you can't deal with it, that's fine, but don't assume there's something terribly wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, he has his priorities (education), you have yours (partner of equal or greater financial means right now). I personally dont see anything wrong with someone who is working and in school at 30. If he's flitted here and there and is now going for a phd in an obscure field in linguistics then yeah, you probably dont have a big future earner on your hands. What is it you want? to be able to be spendy with someone now? or do you think he'll never have earning potential and you'll have to always support him? Those are two very different things.

and, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

That is no excuse.

If that is the case, then he could always qualify for a Pell Grant through the government.

OP, this is a red flag that this guy isn't motivated and if you continue to date him, he will drag you down with him and it will wear you down as well.

It is clear you don't understand financing college at all.

[Anonymous]

I am female, of similar age, also working a low-paying job because I am busting ass to get through my thesis. I don't expect anyone to support me. I rolled my rent into my school costs and make enough to support myself in my day to day life. I also moved 600 miles away from my friends, family, and lucrative job so I could get in-state rates and save $60k. It makes me sad that someone would look at me as unworthy because of what's happening in this year and a half blip of my life. I hope 5 years from now he is kicking your ass in his new career, dating a wonderful and supportive woman.

[Anonymous]

I can't say it is a deal breaker or not because it really depends on the guy. I have a friend that has been burned in relationships in the past when the guy has decided to go to school in another state or faced unemployment. She just finished graduate school and had a stable job so it ended up being that they were at different stages of life. It is possible that these guys ultimately weren't the right match anyway and school/job situation just made it happen faster.

I would look at the motivation level, how well you can communicate with each other and if you have similar values. In general is he a thoughtful person? What is his relationship thoughts in general, not specific to you. Kind of like the guys that decide there is no way they will get married before 30 and you meet him at 22. Is he planning to keep things light while he is in school ( I.e. No serious relationship or no thoughts of marriage while in school) and could you live with that and what about the reverse if he would have a serious relationship/consider engagement, could you live with that before he gets settled into his career? I think I would be cautious, but I would not necessarily rule it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

NP. Pell grants don't cover full tuition at most schools. There are people in this country who graduate from horrible school systems and aren't groomed to attend college on a traditional schedule. It's conceivable he was out paying rent and bills as an adult right out of high school. Most children of the working class take this route. It appears that he has a plan to pursue a career.

What ethnicity/race is this guy? OP, the point of dating is to get to know someone better, not necessarily to start vacationing with them, etc right off the bat. You can date him and other guys. I'm not sure of what sort of support that you're talking about, in any event, that need only to be contemplated when you're in a serious relationship.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

That is no excuse.

If that is the case, then he could always qualify for a Pell Grant through the government.

OP, this is a red flag that this guy isn't motivated and if you continue to date him, he will drag you down with him and it will wear you down as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What circumstances led him to start attending higher education at 30? In other words, what did he do with his life in his 20's?

Unless he has a valid reason, I can see where you are coming from.

At 30 yrs of age, a man should already be done with school and ideally be established in a decent or good career.
To be just beginning his studies and still working a low income job would mean he probably made some bad choices early on in his life.

I would need to know what happened in his 20's that led him to this point.
Was he in jail? Was he on drugs or an alcoholic? Was he raising young children? Taking care of immediate family?

All of this would have to be considered before I would consider him a deal-breaker.

I do not mean to sound shallow, but I have tried to date men who didn't have much at 30 and tried to rationalize it and ignore it and blamed myself for being shallow, but in the end it really does show you something about their characters because usually good men don't waste their lives away like that.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

That is no excuse.

If that is the case, then he could always qualify for a Pell Grant through the government.

OP, this is a red flag that this guy isn't motivated and if you continue to date him, he will drag you down with him and it will wear you down as well.

NP. Pell grants don't cover full tuition at most schools. There are people in this country who graduate from horrible school systems and aren't groomed to attend college on a traditional schedule. It's conceivable he was out paying rent and bills as an adult right out of high school. Most children of the working class take this route. It appears that he has a plan to pursue a career.

What ethnicity/race is this guy? OP, the point of dating is to get to know someone better, not necessarily to start vacationing with them, etc right off the bat. You can date him and other guys. I'm not sure of what sort of support that you're talking about, in any event, that need only to be contemplated when you're in a serious relationship.

Not necessarily. He may just come from a regular or lower income family who couldn't afford to put him through college on the traditional four year plan. I know a LOT of 20 something's, kids of police officers, teachers, firefighters, postal workers, etc. who can't pay for college these days. Maybe he specifically went part time or something similar to avoid life-crushing loans.

[Anonymous]

Umm to me, this is a no brainer. You "support" him or carry the majority of the household earnings now, and then, after he is making bank, you have babies. Go out to dinner, have fun both ways, low cost and a little spendy, don't sweat it. That is NOT a big deal. It may turn out if you get married and have babies, you like working and he likes staying at home. If you are in the relationship for love, none of this matters as a "deal-breaker" off of the bat.... It is more finding a way forward through each little step and having fun along the way.