dating someone who is separated - is it ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the divorce stats on second marriages?

70%.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me give it to you from the other side of the equation. When I was single, I met a woman who had been divorced, let alone separated, for about seven months. Very nice, well dressed, well put together, etc. She was still mourning the loss of her marriage and trying to figure out her role in the breakup.

I basically told her that seeing each other didn't make sense because she was still in a state of flux. For ANY human being, it takes TIME to get over a failed marriage. So my question is, isn't there anybody else out there who is single, interested in meeting someone, and has their act together that you can get to know?

[Anonymous]

Sorry. All of your assumptions are wrong.

Not sure what life has done to you to make you so cynical. I'm sorry. That's not a fun place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is also probably looking at the wrong cohort for likely relationship partners. Any man she meets online in his 40's is almost surely only looking for sex from her. A guy in his 40's who wants a relationship will be looking a decade or two younger mid-20's to mid 30's at the oldest.

If OP wants a long term relationship she needs to be dating much older, say 55 -65.

I think you probably have no idea what you're talking about. A ton of people use match.com or whatever to date post-divorce. It's hardly for random creeps and people just looking for sex at this point.

It's bad enough if one of the people doing the dating is only separated, but if both of them are separated (i.e. still married) then it's just asking for trouble. How do you establish a meaningful relationship with someone when there is ALWAYS the possibility that a separation is not real, or even if real, there is a reconciliation attempt a few months down the line? You can't. Sure you can pretend and hope things turn out alright, but it's not something you can plan your future around.

I know many people (15+) between the ages of 35 and 50 who have used an online dating site like match.com (or eharmony, or ok cupid, or whatever). It's hard to meet people as an adult, especially when you already have a lot going on in life (like kids and work and whatever). I know a few people who date people they meet on match.com in a casual way - no intention of a LTR, no interest in marrying again/at all - but those people are always really up front about their intentions. Pretty much everyone else uses it as a substitute for "meet someone at a bar/the gym/work/book club/church/etc.".

If you were just dating online and never meeting in person, I think it would be a red flag. But if you meet someone on match.com and go on dates and that person tells you that they are separated and living apart from their STBX and tells you that they're in the process of getting divorce paperwork filed, I wouldn't be anywhere near as skeptical as I would be of some entirely virtual interaction.

As for the rest of your post, I think that the way you establish a meaningful relationship is that you look at the actual person you're dating and listen to what they're actually telling you, rather than making broad generalizations about everyone who is separated but not yet divorced, everyone who has used an online dating site, etc. If there's a reconciliation attempt later, you move on. If I went on a date with someone I met online who told me he was separated, living in a new apartment, banging out the details of the divorce and waiting until the 6-12 month waiting period was over (depending on jursidiction), I wouldn't just be "pretending and hoping" so much as listening to what I'm being told and the evidence in front of me and acting accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me give it to you from the other side of the equation. When I was single, I met a woman who had been divorced, let alone separated, for about seven months. Very nice, well dressed, well put together, etc. She was still mourning the loss of her marriage and trying to figure out her role in the breakup.

I basically told her that seeing each other didn't make sense because she was still in a state of flux. For ANY human being, it takes TIME to get over a failed marriage. So my question is, isn't there anybody else out there who is single, interested in meeting someone, and has their act together that you can get to know?

You say that like you think that all people are 100% the same and totally interchangeable. Maybe this guy has qualities that the OP likes that she hasn't been able to find in other places. I don't understand what is so hard about accepting that the person matters, not just the person's situation.

[Anonymous]

every situation is different, as several have said. i dated someone who was separated for a few months…no reconciliation on the horizon for him…but after a few months of a very intense relationship he decided it was too early for him to be in something so serious and backed off. so just proceed cautiously.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. Separated is not divorced. I don't see a reason to complicate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me give it to you from the other side of the equation. When I was single, I met a woman who had been divorced, let alone separated, for about seven months. Very nice, well dressed, well put together, etc. She was still mourning the loss of her marriage and trying to figure out her role in the breakup.

I basically told her that seeing each other didn't make sense because she was still in a state of flux. For ANY human being, it takes TIME to get over a failed marriage. So my question is, isn't there anybody else out there who is single, interested in meeting someone, and has their act together that you can get to know?

You say that like you think that all people are 100% the same and totally interchangeable. Maybe this guy has qualities that the OP likes that she hasn't been able to find in other places. I don't understand what is so hard about accepting that the person matters, not just the person's situation.

It is the person who matters, but you seem to want to believe that a person is not responsible for that own person's situation. That's just wishful thinking. The situation is a separated guy with two children. Are you saying he had nothing to do with that "situation"?

Oh yeah is wife must have been 100% responsible for the breakup. I'll bet she posts here at DCUM too.

Not that poster, but I don't she's saying people assume one partner is fault-free. Nobody is perfect. Married people are not somehow better humans than unmarried people. Unmarried people are not by definition damaged goods. There is a wide range of strengths and flaws among everyone. You and me included.

Some here are just trying to point out that a separated person, solely by virtue of that status, shouldn't be seen as not worth dating in any meaningful way. Get to know each individual. Be wary, of course, just like you should be dating anyone out of a recent break-up.ut don't ditch them just because of a label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me give it to you from the other side of the equation. When I was single, I met a woman who had been divorced, let alone separated, for about seven months. Very nice, well dressed, well put together, etc. She was still mourning the loss of her marriage and trying to figure out her role in the breakup.

I basically told her that seeing each other didn't make sense because she was still in a state of flux. For ANY human being, it takes TIME to get over a failed marriage. So my question is, isn't there anybody else out there who is single, interested in meeting someone, and has their act together that you can get to know?

You say that like you think that all people are 100% the same and totally interchangeable. Maybe this guy has qualities that the OP likes that she hasn't been able to find in other places. I don't understand what is so hard about accepting that the person matters, not just the person's situation.

It is the person who matters, but you seem to want to believe that a person is not responsible for that own person's situation. That's just wishful thinking. The situation is a separated guy with two children. Are you saying he had nothing to do with that "situation"?

Oh yeah is wife must have been 100% responsible for the breakup. I'll bet she posts here at DCUM too.

Not that poster, but I don't she's saying people assume one partner is fault-free. Nobody is perfect. Married people are not somehow better humans than unmarried people. Unmarried people are not by definition damaged goods. There is a wide range of strengths and flaws among everyone. You and me included.

Some here are just trying to point out that a separated person, solely by virtue of that status, shouldn't be seen as not worth dating in any meaningful way. Get to know each individual. Be wary, of course, just like you should be dating anyone out of a recent break-up.ut don't ditch them just because of a label.

PP here. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I completely understand if for some people "separated but not yet divorced" is 100% a dealbreaker 100% of the time. That's okay. Everyone has their own criteria. I was simply saying that maybe for the OP, the personality of the guy, the chemistry between them, and other things specific to their relationship outweigh the issue of whether or not his divorce is finalized.

The angry PP doesn't approve of divorce. Or women. Or dating.

[Anonymous]

Ooh boy. So, I have been divorced and on the dating market. I had some women turn me down because I was "just separated" even though we'd been apart a while and were holding off for insurance reasons on the final papers. Whatever, ok, it's a dealbreaker for some.

I also found that some people who weren't long enough out of their last relationship (and I include myself in this, at another time, not my divorce) were still processing issues from that. I had a couple of awkward dates with a widow (late 30s, had been widowed for >8 years). Still kinda had issues about him. Rebounding happens - it happened to me once and I met a couple of of women who were clearly rebounding (I still had fun hanging out with them and the sex was good).

So, if it's only months since his separation, and you've taken steps to verify he's not still living with her, then you can go right ahead, but don't count on it lasting. Take it as a fun fling, don't introduce your kids or meet his, and enjoy yourself. If you find yourselves still hanging out six months after his divorce is final, then sure, start considering it something serious.

[Anonymous]

I was separated from exH when I started a FWB with an old friend. The relationship was over with ex H but I still had stuff to work through. FWB gave me mental and physical space to get my shit together...then we fell madly in love. Been married for eight years now and we are still super happy.

[Anonymous]

It's not a good look. And aside from that I would not want to end up married to someone who was only separated from his first wife when we started seeing each other.

[Anonymous]

OP - What proof do you have that he's actually "in the process of filing paperwork for divorce"? It's easy to say that, but ...

I'm biased becaused I lost a couple years on someone who was separated and always "in the process" of filing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - What proof do you have that he's actually "in the process of filing paperwork for divorce"? It's easy to say that, but ...

I'm biased becaused I lost a couple years on someone who was separated and always "in the process" of filing, etc.

Good question. At this stage, just his word. I know they do not live together.

[Anonymous]

Not a red flag, it is okay to date but I wouldn't get too serious so soon.

Why?

This person is not going to be ready so soon to jump into something serious. They will need time to heal from the pain of divorce and really shouldn't even be dating seriously now at all.

Dating is okay, but make sure you keep things non-exclusive and keep your options open as well as the other person.