Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?
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Anonymous
| You need counseling, ASAP. In a healthy family, you should absolutely get a say in family decisions that involve big commitments of time or money. But your resentment of the step kids is leaking off the screen. Your reaction is a bit petulant and childish, and you seem to be setting up the situation as you vs stepkids, which is incredibly toxic. You must be extremely careful not to turn into an evil stepmother and always remember that these children have suffered an extreme tragedy in the loss of their mother. This is not to say that step kids get the right to run the family - just that you must be extremely mature and thoughtful about how you navigate all of this. |
Anonymous
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OP again - I love this board. I thank you all for your feedback and responses. I have been going crazy trying to figure out what this new 'normal' is.
I do feel used. I am also expected to do the other things for all the kids - participate in meal planning, laundry, birthday parties, planning. Holidays, vacations etc. I want to do all that - I like being a mom to all 3 kids. It just seems out of balance and I feel like an outsider in making decisions. |
Anonymous
| How long have you been married and how long ago did their mom die? If the three of them operated as a "unit" for awhile making all of their decisions together, they may not realize that they should be including you and your dd in some of these decisions as well. That being said, if his kids have always played soccer on the weekends for years, it may not be reasonable for you and your dd to expect them to quit playing soccer so that you all can do something as a family on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe you all have a Friday movie night instead. Or Sunday dinner. Or bond over school breaks with great vacations if that is an option. And maybe you and your dd don't have to go to every soccer game (or whatever sport it is) if she is bored and the two of you do something else that she likes to do. I'm sure it is really hard for all of you and it sounds like you want to do your best. A good counselor may help sort it all out. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP - Looks like the stepkids are calling the shots in your marriage. This is one the reasons blended families have high divorce rates - someone is getting screwed, not in a good way.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
| If he wants you not to have opinions then have separate accounts and one joint. Split household expenses with him paying slightly more and you do all for you kid and he does for his. Until he can work and respect you, then let him care for his kids. Some of it is normal with kids that age but at some level he needs clear boundaries. |
Anonymous
| OP - Does your DH get Social Security for his kids? |
Anonymous
What do you propose - doing laundry for your own kid and not the step kids? If the issue is that you feel "used", take it up with your dh from the perspective of a balance of labor. But don't blame the kids. |
Anonymous
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How do you make decisions for your bio-DC and who makes them? Is your bio-DC's father still in the picture (or is DC a child of this marriage?)? And how long ago did SDCs mother pass away. Also, out of curiosity, how old are all the kids?
This is such a hard dynamic and I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your heart and intentions are in the right place but these things are tough and there is rarely a "right" answer - just what works for your family. You and DH may want to consider counseling for how you approach these things as a whole, but I think how things are handled for your bio-DC may have some impact generally on this. I also do think younger siblings do get taken along for the ride to accommodate older siblings activities in a lot of families and I don't always think it's a bad thing but in your case the dynamic as a whole is what is relevant and of concern. |
Anonymous
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Where is your DH in all of this? If he supports the older kids doing travel teams, etc, then he needs to step up and chauffer them around, figure out car pools, etc. Particularly if you are trying to hold down the fort with your youngest child, who deserves to have her own activities and age-appropriate fun.
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Anonymous
This is awful advice. Presumably the OP expects her DH to equally parent their child. So what you are proposing is that the stepkids get the shaft (financially and timewise) if she creates "boundaries" and refuses to help parent them. This is about the KIDS. Don't hurt the kids as part of a power struggle between the parents. |
Anonymous
You are a freakin idiot if you think it is the stepmother getting screwed in this picture. The stepmother is the adult - the kids are the ones dealing with the heavy burden of death of a parent and remarriage. A woman simply cannot enter a family like this and think in terms of mine/yours and "getting screwed" etc. When you marry a widower with kids you have to be prepared to parent, not to be selfish. Obviously you shouldn't martyr yourself and your DH needs to be on board. But it is very different from marrying a divorced man. |
Anonymous
| Ex-stepmom here. This is the major reason why I got a divorce. I was a stepmom to a pre-teen and I had no say on anything. She could treat me like crap if she wanted and noone cared. She could do whatever she wanted and I had zero say on anything. I did not want to spend the rest of my life living like a stranger in my own house so I got a divorce. |
Anonymous
Widow here. This is the major reason I never remarried. No blended family problems. No stepkid problems. No exes problems. Saved myself a ton of headaches. 
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Anonymous
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Another younger widow here -- I do have to say that, the more blended family situations I see, the more I believe that it is quite unusual (not impossible) for the situation to be better for the children than if their parents had not remarried.
OP, I strongly second the recommendation to seek couples or family counseling. |
Anonymous
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From the kids perspective - think of how this seems.
First mom dies - major trauma, grief, loss, then dad meets some lady and tells us she is our new mom, even though she is just some lady and not our mom at all. along with new fake mom we also got a new fake brother who we have to share our space with and who gets in all our stuff. now fake mom has decided that because little fake brother isn't old enough to play soccer that we can't play soccer either and she wants us all to sit at home all weekend because that is what she wants to do. she doesn't care at all about what we ant to do or that we don't want to spend the weekend with her and fake brother instead of with our friends and playing sports. dad used to listen to us and care about what we wanted but now he just listens to fake mom and she gets to run our lives. |