Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

[Anonymous]

As a step parent - do you get any say in decisions that involve your step kids?

There is no parent on the other side - died

Kids live with us FT

I financially contribute to everything for all the kids - I am the 'bread winner'

But no say or opinion in anything? Sports they play that involve all,of our weekend time, things that cost money, plans with friends that impact all,of our time or weekend anything?

I feel like I am just here as an additional paycheck - but all decision making is going on with his kids and husband - I am just along for the ride.

Is this what a blended family is?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

How long have you been part of the family?

[Anonymous]

Wow OP I would say not especially since the other parent is not in the picture. At the very least you should feel a part of things. What are you objecting to specifically? Or is it more a generalized feeling like an outsider? What can you do to feel more like a part of it? That said, what you describe is parenting. The children's activities and social lives drive things. I hope you figure this out before too much resentment builds.

[Anonymous]

If they are older kids already involved in sports and activities, then I don't think you get to come and say you don't want them doing those things. That would be veto power and you would be very, very unpopular.

How many kids are there. Most people with multiple kids spent a lot of their time running kids from activity to friend to sport to home etc... Maybe you didn't realize what having kids was like.

[Anonymous]

OP--are you objecting to not having a say in what things cost ie, signing up for travel soccer costs more then you feel the family budget can handle or are you objecting to the amount of time commitments that the kids activities are taking?

For the money aspect, you absolutely get a say. This is your family. You earn all or part of the money that makes the household function. How it is spent is up to you and your husband jointly.

For the time commitment aspect, as another PP pointed out--that is parenting, at least in the DC metro area. Kids have lots of activities on the weekends and they want to see their friends. If you become friends with your kids friends parents, then you also get some hang out time.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I have 1 of the children, he has 2. Married 3 years together 5.

Everything is driven by his 2. They are just starting to get into these commitments - but I find out a decision has been made to do travel soccer or swim team etc. After he and his two children have decided they are doing that. I am just informed of the plan. If I disagree or think we need more time together as a 'newish family' trying to bond then I am 'vetoed'.

Makes me feel disrespected, unimportant, irrelevant. It is like my child and I are just a 'bolt on' here because my child is the youngest and should just be happy being dragged around to her step siblings events/commitments.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell him your last paragraph. You need to ask if that is ow he intends for you to feel. How would he feel if the situation were reversed.

[Anonymous]

No, you need to be involved in the decision making. It's in your household, so you count. I thought it was going to be like my step parent situation, where my step kids live full time with their mother but only visit. I don't feel have much say in any discipline issues, etc. although my husband and I do discuss things. I'm more a sounding board about how he needs to work with ex wife to do stuff for his kids.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

[Anonymous]

10:54 again, I do feel for you on the bonding thing. My step kids are significant older (high school) and they are very involved in activities and studying, so we don't get to be together as a family much. But I also know these aspects of your high school years are important and I don't want them to miss out. Older kids are going to be out of the house a lot more, so it's a delicate balance.

Can you do dinner together most weeknights? Or set aside a couple of nights for that?

And the chauffeur aspect becomes important, too. Who needs to drive who where, and they definitely need to ask before you can commit to any of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

You need to tell your husband this. It seems as though you are coming from a good place and want a blended, cohesive family, which I think is great and should be the goal. And you are not going to get that if you continue to feel as you do.

[Anonymous]

OP - Dump this loser and his kids ASAP. You are being USED!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

DH and I have 2 bio kids and I have 2 older step kids from his previous marriage. I have no say in the older kids activities, nor should I. But you bring up an interesting point about biological children. Yes, my kids and I make decisions about their activities without consulting DH. The kids are 6 and 3. I enroll the 3 yr old in Little Gym and do not consult DH. My 6 yr old tells me she wants to do swimming and diving so I enroll her. The only time I discuss the kids Activites with DH is if I need agreement because of transportation. For the winter, both of our kids have to be in 2 different places at the same time. I can't do that alone so I consulted with DH. But if I don't need him for transportation then it's not discussed. If we want to go away for the weekend, we discuss the kids schedules and what they will miss. Then we try to find a time when the kids are on an activity break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

Lol kids definitely do NOY make the plans. I have four kids, and the kids can announce what they'd like to do, but my boyfriend and I talk it over and let them know as a united front what we decided when we talked about AWAY from the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to speak up and take control of your money and your time.

If decisions are made without your consent, then say that you will not fund or participate. Period.

Unless you have adopted those children, I'm not sure that you can say "no" they can't do X, but you can certainly say that you won't pay for X or that you won't drive them to X or that you won't participate in X.

I disagree with the PP who says that that is parenting in DC. No, parenting means your kids don't dictate to you what happens or doesn't happen.

I would make it very clear to your spouse how you feel and also that going forward, you will not fund or participate if you don't have a say before the decision is made.

It might make the step kids hate you, but it doesn't sound like they respect you at all now anyhow. I'd rather be hated and respected than liked and walked all over.