Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the kids perspective - think of how this seems.

First mom dies - major trauma, grief, loss, then dad meets some lady and tells us she is our new mom, even though she is just some lady and not our mom at all. along with new fake mom we also got a new fake brother who we have to share our space with and who gets in all our stuff. now fake mom has decided that because little fake brother isn't old enough to play soccer that we can't play soccer either and she wants us all to sit at home all weekend because that is what she wants to do. she doesn't care at all about what we ant to do or that we don't want to spend the weekend with her and fake brother instead of with our friends and playing sports. dad used to listen to us and care about what we wanted but now he just listens to fake mom and she gets to run our lives.

14:40 here. I think this is a really good point. You are not wrong and you and your DC shouldn't be getting the shaft, but please try to remember how DSC are feeling too, and pick your battles. Even when you are right, kids grieving the loss of their mother and trying to figure out their new blended family should get a bit of a pass.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You really need to get a handle on this. These tweens are doing what many tweens do ... would you say no? Why doesn't your husband work? Why deprive the children of these activities? Will you child get to do them? Of course. I wonder if you don't resent the children, or resent that your husband doesn't earn money, or both? Please do therapy! I think the children should get to do these activities and your husband should communicate better. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the kids perspective - think of how this seems.

First mom dies - major trauma, grief, loss, then dad meets some lady and tells us she is our new mom, even though she is just some lady and not our mom at all. along with new fake mom we also got a new fake brother who we have to share our space with and who gets in all our stuff. now fake mom has decided that because little fake brother isn't old enough to play soccer that we can't play soccer either and she wants us all to sit at home all weekend because that is what she wants to do. she doesn't care at all about what we ant to do or that we don't want to spend the weekend with her and fake brother instead of with our friends and playing sports. dad used to listen to us and care about what we wanted but now he just listens to fake mom and she gets to run our lives.

I agree, but I don't think op should have to chaffeeur or pay for these activities if she doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the kids perspective - think of how this seems.

First mom dies - major trauma, grief, loss, then dad meets some lady and tells us she is our new mom, even though she is just some lady and not our mom at all. along with new fake mom we also got a new fake brother who we have to share our space with and who gets in all our stuff. now fake mom has decided that because little fake brother isn't old enough to play soccer that we can't play soccer either and she wants us all to sit at home all weekend because that is what she wants to do. she doesn't care at all about what we ant to do or that we don't want to spend the weekend with her and fake brother instead of with our friends and playing sports. dad used to listen to us and care about what we wanted but now he just listens to fake mom and she gets to run our lives.

I agree, but I don't think op should have to chaffeeur or pay for these activities if she doesn't want to.

That is a really awful suggestion. She most likely expects her DH to pay for and participate in their child's life, so she cannot expect not to contribute equally to the stepkids lives. Of course the family should decide jointly about money and time issues - but it needs to be fair, and not be subjected to the step mother's hostility to the step kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the kids perspective - think of how this seems.

First mom dies - major trauma, grief, loss, then dad meets some lady and tells us she is our new mom, even though she is just some lady and not our mom at all. along with new fake mom we also got a new fake brother who we have to share our space with and who gets in all our stuff. now fake mom has decided that because little fake brother isn't old enough to play soccer that we can't play soccer either and she wants us all to sit at home all weekend because that is what she wants to do. she doesn't care at all about what we ant to do or that we don't want to spend the weekend with her and fake brother instead of with our friends and playing sports. dad used to listen to us and care about what we wanted but now he just listens to fake mom and she gets to run our lives.

I agree, but I don't think op should have to chaffeeur or pay for these activities if she doesn't want to.

That is a really awful suggestion. She most likely expects her DH to pay for and participate in their child's life, so she cannot expect not to contribute equally to the stepkids lives. Of course the family should decide jointly about money and time issues - but it needs to be fair, and not be subjected to the step mother's hostility to the step kids.

OP stated that she has 1 child and DH has 2 children. DH is the stepfather to her child.

This is a stepfather and stepmother situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Dump this loser and his kids ASAP. You are being USED!!!

This is a bit harsh but I would say it sounds very imbalanced. It is strange because it sounds like you have been in their lives 3-5 years already - so, a good chunk of their lives. Now is the time to resolve this and achieve more balance - or come up with an alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP again - just want to clear up a few things:

my Step daughters call me 'Mom' most of the time. They love me and I love them.

They love their step sibling - they all came together very young. They are very close.

My point re: the laundry, etc. is that I have all parental obligations and tasks - I just want some input into a schedule and financial decisions that impact us all. Or as. A step parent do you just get the tasks and no say? I honestly don't know how it should work and I want to know if I have realistic expectations or need to adjust them or something.

My issue here is not really with them - I expect kids to push back to whatever is advantageous to them. This is really more about how DH and I discuss things and come to decisions as a team for the whole family.

And for those who have avoided remarriage for these reasons I do understand. This is waaaayyy tougher than I ever imagined. But I still think there are benefits - that is why I am still here.

I guess I just thought since we are the only parents to all 3 we would be making more equal decisions.

[Anonymous]

"And for those who have avoided remarriage for these reasons I do understand. This is waaaayyy tougher than I ever imagined. But I still think there are benefits - that is why I am still here. "

Don't see the benefits. At all.

[Anonymous]

Both a mother and father = a good thing for the kids

An additional Role model for all kids

Another person to love your child

More financial stability

[Anonymous]

OP,

What you're describing happens to some degree in tons of marriages that are not blended families. You get stuck doing all the laundry even though you work and your husband doesn't? This is classic in many marriages! (Except the part about your husband not working, and, rightly or wrongly, I sense resentment there.) As for extracurriculars, why not take the bull by the horn and ask what the plans are when the next sign-up times are. Insinuate yourself in the process. But please don't deprive the children of anything because that empowers you!

Have you discussed the substance of your posts, your concerns, with your husband and if so what has been the response? That's the key!

[Anonymous]

Blended family here and you should definitely have a say I how money and time are spent. Also kids are old enough to do chores and should. You and dh should agree to a certain amount to contribute and you should save any additional income you make more than him in an account for yourself and/or your child.

[Anonymous]

You should absolutely have a say. It doesn't sound like you're trying to veto much loved activities and make the kids stay home. You are a member of the family and even if you weren't the breadwinner, you still get some say. You all have to make decisions for the best interest of the family as a whole, not just whatever the tweens want. It seems like you love them and want to do what's best for them.

Have you talked about this with your DH? Does he think that he gets to make all the decisions without consulting you? If so, it sounds like you need marriage counseling. Better to resolve this now before he tells them they can go to whatever college and you have to foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

Lol kids definitely do NOY make the plans. I have four kids, and the kids can announce what they'd like to do, but my boyfriend and I talk it over and let them know as a united front what we decided when we talked about AWAY from the kids.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Why are you doing laundry for Tweens? Ten is old enough to do laundry.

And yes, you are a grown woman. You have the right to step up and say, no, I do not want to spend my Saturday driving for travel sports teams. I would not be willing to do that for biological kids. Now, if dh and stepkids are going off and doing this on their own, and you aren't shouldering the burden of the responsibility, then I'd let it go. But if you are expected to drive them around, then hell yeah, you get a say. I'd let the financial aspect of it go unless finances are super super tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - just want to clear up a few things:

my Step daughters call me 'Mom' most of the time. They love me and I love them.

They love their step sibling - they all came together very young. They are very close.

My point re: the laundry, etc. is that I have all parental obligations and tasks - I just want some input into a schedule and financial decisions that impact us all. Or as. A step parent do you just get the tasks and no say? I honestly don't know how it should work and I want to know if I have realistic expectations or need to adjust them or something.

My issue here is not really with them - I expect kids to push back to whatever is advantageous to them. This is really more about how DH and I discuss things and come to decisions as a team for the whole family.

And for those who have avoided remarriage for these reasons I do understand. This is waaaayyy tougher than I ever imagined. But I still think there are benefits - that is why I am still here.

I guess I just thought since we are the only parents to all 3 we would be making more equal decisions.

OP, I've posted a couple of times before on this thread but I just wanted to reiterate some of the things I've said in response to the bolded statement. You're in a tough situation - and of course it's worth it but it's tough nonetheless. It doesn't really matter what others do or how it is for other families - it really only matters what works for you, your DH, and all three of your kids. Part of that equation needs to be balancing your desire to be included in decisions that impact you and your DC (which is totally fair), and any autonomy your DSC and DH need to preserve as they heal from their grief (which, regardless of how much they all love you, takes a LOOOOONG time - trust me on this). It sounds like you and your DH really need some counseling to figure out how you can best handle this as a family. Other families (step or otherwise) make their decisions in this regard for very individualized reasons and there are too many variables in each individual situation to worry about what is par for the course for others. As I've said before, I'd encourage you to also step back a bit and pick your battles. Think about whether you are annoyed that you weren't consulted but the activities themselves are fine, or if the activities your DSC are choosing force you to cancel activities you've chosen for your DSC or if the cost of the activities forces you as a family to give up other important things (vacations, travel to see your family, etc.). That is partly why I asked before about how you make decisions for your DC. Either way, I'd pick your battles. Can you and DH come to a budget on activities for each child but then allow the children some autonomy in decision making? Or have all three kids sit down to discuss schedules so that they can see how their choices impact each other? I think it's important to figure out what part of the process is not working for your family, and then fix that, rather than insist on being included out of principal. Love and resentment can live side by side, and even if you are wrong - and I do think you are not wrong - there is also a lot to be said (and it will pay itself back in bounds for the rest of your life) for being the adult and giving grieving children a break.