Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

[Anonymous]

Op, have you read Stepmonster? Despite the title, it's a great book, and I think it can help calibrate your expectations. I wish I had read it earlier, even before marrying.

I am a stepmom but our blending has not been at all successful. I focus my efforts on strengthening our marriage, not trying to parent at all, since that has been a complete disaster. I iPod you'll have better results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - just want to clear up a few things:

my Step daughters call me 'Mom' most of the time. They love me and I love them.

They love their step sibling - they all came together very young. They are very close.

My point re: the laundry, etc. is that I have all parental obligations and tasks - I just want some input into a schedule and financial decisions that impact us all. Or as. A step parent do you just get the tasks and no say? I honestly don't know how it should work and I want to know if I have realistic expectations or need to adjust them or something.

My issue here is not really with them - I expect kids to push back to whatever is advantageous to them. This is really more about how DH and I discuss things and come to decisions as a team for the whole family.

And for those who have avoided remarriage for these reasons I do understand. This is waaaayyy tougher than I ever imagined. But I still think there are benefits - that is why I am still here.

I guess I just thought since we are the only parents to all 3 we would be making more equal decisions.

OP, I've posted a couple of times before on this thread but I just wanted to reiterate some of the things I've said in response to the bolded statement. You're in a tough situation - and of course it's worth it but it's tough nonetheless. It doesn't really matter what others do or how it is for other families - it really only matters what works for you, your DH, and all three of your kids. Part of that equation needs to be balancing your desire to be included in decisions that impact you and your DC (which is totally fair), and any autonomy your DSC and DH need to preserve as they heal from their grief (which, regardless of how much they all love you, takes a LOOOOONG time - trust me on this). It sounds like you and your DH really need some counseling to figure out how you can best handle this as a family. Other families (step or otherwise) make their decisions in this regard for very individualized reasons and there are too many variables in each individual situation to worry about what is par for the course for others. As I've said before, I'd encourage you to also step back a bit and pick your battles. Think about whether you are annoyed that you weren't consulted but the activities themselves are fine, or if the activities your DSC are choosing force you to cancel activities you've chosen for your DSC or if the cost of the activities forces you as a family to give up other important things (vacations, travel to see your family, etc.). That is partly why I asked before about how you make decisions for your DC. Either way, I'd pick your battles. Can you and DH come to a budget on activities for each child but then allow the children some autonomy in decision making? Or have all three kids sit down to discuss schedules so that they can see how their choices impact each other? I think it's important to figure out what part of the process is not working for your family, and then fix that, rather than insist on being included out of principal. Love and resentment can live side by side, and even if you are wrong - and I do think you are not wrong - there is also a lot to be said (and it will pay itself back in bounds for the rest of your life) for being the adult and giving grieving children a break.

*DC*
*principle*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I think I am just feeling like my life is now dictated by 2 Tweens.....I thought my H and I would be making these decisions together as parents versus me just being told - this is what the kids want to do - so we are doing it. I feel like there should be some compromise from someone besides just me in this family.....I wanted a blended family....to make joint decisions for the good of all of us....not just the older kids. I want some control over our life and a say in planning our weekends or time or events.,or how our money is spent. I feel like I come last.

So maybe all parents feel this way - kids make the plans.

Or do husbands and wives of joint biological child make these decisions together and consider each other's needs/opinions?

NP here and I didn't read all the responses.

1) You need to talk to DH about communication and kids activities in general. He could be used to making final decisions and not consulting anyone and it isn't personal to you. My step-dad raised me and I often forget he isn't my biological dad. I realize in hindsight he probably felt slighted and hurt my mom would make unilateral decisions about schooling and activities for me. To be honest, I think it had to do with my mom not wanting to compromise and wanting control of those decisions rather than biological/not biological. It was similar with my sister (his biological daughter) but it showed up first with me because I was the oldest. I also think my dad felt more comfortable putting his foot down about certain things with my sister not that my mom suddenly started consulting him decisions regarding my sister.

2) I think it is common that you get siblings get dragged to older sibling events. It's like how there are 1000 pictures of the oldest child as a baby and maybe 3 of the youngest. If you any concerns about the oldest , say they have issues making friends or really need the benefits of team sports, you are going to be even more focused on making sure they are involved. You figure the you her will get his/her turn in the spotlight when older and the pitfalls for the tween/teen are way greater than the 7 year old. Quite a few adults I know that had traumatic events in the early teens (like parent leaving) really went off the rails with lots of stuff and it took awhile to get back on track.

3) I will tell you with biological children I don't see eye to eye with DH about activities and schools. Because of my experiences growing up I really try to be sensitive and not make unilateral decisions. It can be a pain to compromise but I also have to remind myself there is value in getting another perspective and I need to be fair if DH has to be part of the logistics. It's rude to volunteer his time and money but not have the person part of the decision. You guys need to have an open discussion about your process for these things.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the effects of a traumatic experience like losing a parent don't show up until well into the teen years. Having the tweens involved in activities that they will hopefully continue through high school is a great way to head off resentments about the new family structure or grief and depression that can get worse after puberty. The tween years are so short...if I were you, OP, I would just let DH and kids keep making the decisions and not rock the boat. Ultimately keeping them active will be good for them. Even though its not fair not to be part of these decisions, maybe just going along with things for the sake of peace is best.

The time will fly by and in the meantime you and DH can get some counseling, and maybe some family counseling, to work on some of these concerns. But I would not make a big deal right now, just work on it a little at a time and let the kids continue what they are involved in.

[Anonymous]

5:59 poster - really? Your advice is basically 'put up and shut up'. This is a grown woman with a career, child of her own and life before this marriage - but she should just say nothing and hang off to the side? Is this 1950?

[Anonymous]

5:59 poster. Yes. My advice is to go with the flow vs. demanding stepkids' and dad's patterns of doing things change immediately to involve OP (no matter how valid and understandable OP’s concerns are).

I realize they have been a family for a few years but apparently this is the way stepkids and dad are used to doing things so OP articulating that she feels taken advantage of and not part of the decision process might be somewhat upsetting or seem threatening to kids and DH if the issue hasn’t ever been brought up before.

Work it out gently over time with DH and a trained therapist to figure out how to communicate as a family so that both parents have a voice in making family decisions but do not expect or insist on major changes all at once.

All tweens are already in a rough patch as they try to find their identities. These tweens have lost their mother and are in a blended family, so they need to be treated with very special care at this important stage between childhood and teenage years as they figure out who they are and what they stand for.

The very thought of OP questioning their extracurriculars may be seen as potentially taking away things they feel (perhaps wrongly) entitled to as part of their identities. The very notion of stepmom having the authority to possibly change things and child no longer being allowed to play travel soccer, when travel soccer player is “who she is” would likely be very upsetting even if no change occurs, simply because of the possibility it could happen.

Assume the pattern of 1 or 2 sports per season, or 1 sport and 1 music lesson per week, will continue for just a few more years -- a brief blip of time in your relationship with your stepkids. Specific sport or activity will differ each season, but the cost and level of parental involvement will not.

If stepkids’ mother was still alive, I would not handle it this way. I would make a point to voice my frustrations, expect to be part of all decisions, have few qualms about vetoing plans that didn’t work for the family as a whole, and not be as nearly as concerned about stepkids’ feelings that they may feel entitled at this point to participate in certain activities. But I think that although the PP seems to think my take on the situation is unreasonable and shocking, in this particular family situation, “saying nothing and hanging off to the side” for a while is appropriate. No right or wrong answer here, just my particular opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All tweens are already in a rough patch as they try to find their identities. These tweens have lost their mother and are in a blended family, so they need to be treated with very special care at this important stage between childhood and teenage years as they figure out who they are and what they stand for.

The very thought of OP questioning their extracurriculars may be seen as potentially taking away things they feel (perhaps wrongly) entitled to as part of their identities. The very notion of stepmom having the authority to possibly change things and child no longer being allowed to play travel soccer, when travel soccer player is “who she is” would likely be very upsetting even if no change occurs, simply because of the possibility it could happen.
.

Different PP here, not the one that asked you to explain. I am conflicted because on one hand I agree, on the other hand I think the kids are seeing this as their roadmap for relationships and I don't think that is healthy either. Especially if they have picked up that only the dad gets a say and the step mom falls in line no questions asked. It sounds like it wasn't even a discussion with OP as to why the dad feels it is important and worth the sacrifice for the activities it was just a done deal. As far as changing activities, it is very possible if step mom wasn't in the picture they wouldn't be able to continue activities for financial or logistical reason so it wasn't a foregone conclusion they would continue.

I would definitely work with a counselor/3rd party on this. You have to have some agreement on childrearing and communication so there is some consistency in how you raise his kids and your kids (I.e. will his kids get to pick any college but you can't say that for your kid, or his kids didn't do laundry but your kid does) and there isn't this ball of resentment. Also, I'm not an expert in grief but I know from children of divorce, myself included, that kids are not above using things to get their way if you allow it. You want the kids to work through losing their mom and for there to always be a place where they honor her but you don't want to bend over backwards with material things and not doing the things to help them become responsible adults because of the guilt of them not having their mom. Even though I said "you" I mean the biological parent because I do think the lead has to come from the biological parent, not the step-parent. I can't tell from OP's description how much of what is going on is due to grief/mom passing away, if this is how dad would parent as his role in his marriage with the mom (I.e. there are certain things I'm the heavy ...we present a unified front and DH won't undermine me and alone he has behavior he won't let them get a pass, but in general they are Daddy's girls), and how much of it is how he was raised and either the example he intended to follow or decided not to follow with his kids and you guys have fundamental differences on child rearing. I think every one has to work through his/her feeling about grief on their own and within the dad and biological kids and having a neutral 3rd party with experience in this is important. There is a separate issue about communication and strengthening the marriage and this is where I think I see the advice to not do everything at once. I think it is important to raise the issue so it isn't like they have been doing something for 5 years and you never said anything, but don't expect it to be solved overnight and the grief counseling is first.

[Anonymous]

Seriously I want to slap whoever is saying that a stepmom is a fake mom. RELLY?! is it fake when she washes her stepkids' clothes because they vomited or peed all over themselves? is it fake when she takes care of the kids because they are sick and then gets sick herself because all she did was hold the kids while they were sobbing out of the agony of being sick with the flu? is it fake that she loves unconditionally even after being told repeatedly "you're not my mom!"? is it fake that she cries herself to sleep because no matter how hard she tries to do the right thing she always feels like she is coming up short? is is fake that she smiles and even sheds a tear out of pride of her stepkids doing something they are proud of themselves for and is it even faker that she is also proud of them? is it fake that a stepmom above anything else, above her needs, her wants, she wants her stepkids to be happy at all times and will even sacrifice her own happiness so that they never want for anything? that she always takes the best care of them even when their own mom is out drinking or shooting up with her next abusive boyfriend?

Think about that when you generalize, and say stepmoms are fake. Because I for one am as real as they come. No, my stepchild did NOT come out of my vagina. BUT I made the choice to love her as my own and care for her like a "REAL" mother should because her own cannot bring herself to put the pipe/bottle/needle down. I consider myself a real mom. My stepdaughter considers me a real mom. People calling me a fake mom is not something new to me, but it hurts every single time. I do more for that little girl than anyone else in the world, even her own father, because I love her with every ounce of my being.

Sincerely,
NOT a fake mom.

[Anonymous]

Youngest should just be happy being dragged around to her siblings events/commitments.

Any youngest feels this way. I have made sure my older child is dragged along equally to the younger one's activities. I do it just to make a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest should just be happy being dragged around to her siblings events/commitments.

Any youngest feels this way. I have made sure my older child is dragged along equally to the younger one's activities. I do it just to make a point.

Tee hee. Me too, and I am not stepmom, just single mom with 2 bio kids. Youngest one grew up in the car seat on the sidelines of some game or class of the oldest's. Now oldest has to come to youngest's games and school events; it's non-negotiable. Siblings support each other. Sometimes it feels like we don't have "family" time, i.e. the three of us together having a good time doing something we all enjoy, but I think that their individual activities are important to their development, so I work harder to find a few fun "family" time things (or not fun, but mandatory anyway....)

I think OP may have some rosy view of "family" that doesn't fit with the reality of how it turns out for anyone.

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom and though I don't see my SD often, I don't parent at all, and I arrange the schedule the way it fits my youngest. I.e., if SD wants to go see something, it happens when my youngest is in preschool or when he is fit to go, too (NOT at his nap time, for example).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously I want to slap whoever is saying that a stepmom is a fake mom. RELLY?! is it fake when she washes her stepkids' clothes because they vomited or peed all over themselves? is it fake when she takes care of the kids because they are sick and then gets sick herself because all she did was hold the kids while they were sobbing out of the agony of being sick with the flu? is it fake that she loves unconditionally even after being told repeatedly "you're not my mom!"? is it fake that she cries herself to sleep because no matter how hard she tries to do the right thing she always feels like she is coming up short? is is fake that she smiles and even sheds a tear out of pride of her stepkids doing something they are proud of themselves for and is it even faker that she is also proud of them? is it fake that a stepmom above anything else, above her needs, her wants, she wants her stepkids to be happy at all times and will even sacrifice her own happiness so that they never want for anything? that she always takes the best care of them even when their own mom is out drinking or shooting up with her next abusive boyfriend?

Think about that when you generalize, and say stepmoms are fake. Because I for one am as real as they come. No, my stepchild did NOT come out of my vagina. BUT I made the choice to love her as my own and care for her like a "REAL" mother should because her own cannot bring herself to put the pipe/bottle/needle down. I consider myself a real mom. My stepdaughter considers me a real mom. People calling me a fake mom is not something new to me, but it hurts every single time. I do more for that little girl than anyone else in the world, even her own father, because I love her with every ounce of my being.

Sincerely,
NOT a fake mom.

If there is a mother in the picture - didn't abandon the kids/disappeared or died, stepmom is not a fake mom. She isn't a mom at all.

[Anonymous]

"If there is a mother in the picture - didn't abandon the kids/disappeared or died, stepmom is not a fake mom. She isn't a mom at all. "


NP, not a stepmom, never had a stepmom. PP who said a stepmom "isn't a mom at all" -- that is such an ugly, hurtful thing to say, especially in response to someone's heartfelt expression of love for her stepdaughter. My husband's stepmother was a wonderful mom to him, even though his mother was alive and present in his life, and she continues to be a wonderful parent and grandparent. Her love and her parenting when he was growing up have been a profound and positive influence on him. So hats off to all of the wonderful stepmothers who love and who try and who put up with crap like that comment from PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If there is a mother in the picture - didn't abandon the kids/disappeared or died, stepmom is not a fake mom. She isn't a mom at all.

"


NP, not a stepmom, never had a stepmom. PP who said a stepmom "isn't a mom at all" -- that is such an ugly, hurtful thing to say, especially in response to someone's heartfelt expression of love for her stepdaughter. My husband's stepmother was a wonderful mom to him, even though his mother was alive and present in his life, and she continues to be a wonderful parent and grandparent. Her love and her parenting when he was growing up have been a profound and positive influence on him. So hats off to all of the wonderful stepmothers who love and who try and who put up with crap like that comment from PP.

I see those kind of quotes alot in these step-parent discussions and I can only imagine that they are said by people without stepparents or who have awful relationships with their own stepparents. It's really sad.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, you have a say. Your DH is wrong not to discuss with you and you need to let him in know.