Advice on telling teenage stepdaughter that a new baby is on the way?
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Anonymous
1535 again. Hard to say. I didn't feel affected by the same gender thing. Mostly that I didn't feel that "loved" by my stepdad. It doesn't sound like your stepdaughter will feel that wway b/c you are being so thoughtful. I imagine different genders might help the feelings of competition but to be honest I think a big age difference helps more. celebrate her and her accomplishments the way you will the milestones of the baby. And to the extent there's time, try to spend a little special time with her--go get a pedicure, shop for something etc-something the baby cannot do. Tell her explicitly, "I want to be sure you know, no matter who else is in my life, you are special to me and I love you and our relationship etc." This is what a bio parent having another kid would say also...When she's great with the baby, let her know "I'm so glad little ___ has you for a big sister. He/she is very lucky." Go on family vacations together if you can. |
Anonymous
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Ours is not a blended family, and my kids are only four years apart -- so take any advice I offer with an eye roll and a heaping handful of salt. But I've found that one of the best ways to diffuse sibling rivalry and jealousy is to talk to the older one about what HE was like at a particular stage. Cranky baby cutting teeth? "Oh, I remember how miserable you were with your first tooth. We would hold you and rock you for hours." Cute infant figures out how to clap and becomes show-stopping attention stealer? "You were so funny in your stroller -- you'd flirt with everyone we passed and all the old ladies would coo at you."
In short, we use a lot of pictures and stories to remind older kid that they, too, went through these stages -- and got just as much focus as the younger one when needed. You obviously can't tell the stories, but Dad can. And you can ask him questions with her around, or even ask her to bring her baby book on a visit. Maybe put up some of her baby pix around the house too. |
Anonymous
| She might be too old for this - But maybe a T-shirt, her teddy bear wearing T-shirt, that says "I'm going to be a big sister"? I definitely think that would be a good idea for someone who say, six. But maybe not at age. A low-key conversation might be better. I was 13 when my little brother was born. I was ecstatic. Was an only child. That is a great age to have a younger sibling, because you're mature enough to be somewhat of a help, but young enough that playing with them is still really fun. |
Anonymous
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OP,
You sound wonderful, I'm sure all will go well. However I am wondering if things will change. Will her dad fly there every other weekend? Is your anxiety about things you haven't articulated, perhaps even to yourself? These are things you must think through and discuss with DH because his daughter might ask questions and you don't want to make commitments and then backtrack. For instance if you have a C-section, he may have to skip a few weekends or more, depending on your recovery. Unless you have family nearby. Right on the newborn period, but that can come later. I'd give DSD a sense of the range of what might happen. No need to answer with specifics ... these questions are to get you to think, though you seem very thoughtful already. I bet she is going to be over the moon with the news! |
Anonymous
| You are so sweet OP!! I know it will turn out great for all involved! Congratulations!! |
Anonymous
| Op you remind me of the woman my dad was engaged to when I was younger. They spent 10 years togethe. She never stepped on my mom's toes, but she treated me like I was her daughter. A stepmom like you is a gift! |
Anonymous
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Thanks for this thread, OP! I'm a new stepmom expecting a baby, and though my DSD is nearly 19, I have thought of how this is all going to affect her. She and her dad were really close but have gotten more distant in the past few years, which breaks my heart.
I found myself rooting more than anything for a boy, b/c I was the only girl in my family and had a really special relationhip with my dad, and it would have really (in a bad way) rocked my world if he had another daughter, even if I was already in college. I am SO thankful that he's a boy so that she will always be the only girl. (She's an only child and only grandchild on both sides, so any sib is a big change.) It's been shaky so far, but I am going to work hard to include her however she will be willing to be included. Unfortunately, there's a dynamic where her mom thinks it is disloyal to her for DSD to be close to me, so I can't push too hard, only open my heart and arms to her. I really appreciated the advice to be careful not to be overprotective of the baby when her sister is taking care of him. Wondering if you've thought about including DSD soon after the birth or in any prenatal preparations? |
Anonymous
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Hi everyone, it's the OP. First of all, THANK YOU again for all the excellent advice and insight! And goodness, you all are making me blush with your sweet words. Thank you. I must give credit where it's due, though -- my own stepmom is a great model. My parents didn't divorce until I was in my 20s and my stepmom didn't enter my life until my 30s, so it's a very different situation, but she has been amazing, generous, and loving from day one, and an ideal example of what a stepmom can and should be.
I just wanted to give you all a quick update. We still haven't shared the news with DSD because we are waiting for CVS test results to come back. But my husband just spent the weekend with her, and during a long car ride (isn't that always where the good meaty conversations happen?) she basically told him that we need to get on it if we want to expand the family. He thanked her for the encouragement and assured her we were working on that. When I heard this a) I burst out laughing and b) let go of any worry. God, what a fabulous kid she is. Assuming this baby sticks, all of your terrific advice will be very helpful, particularly as we navigate those first challenging months with a newborn. Thanks again for helping me think through ways to ensure that DSD feels included and especially, that she continue to feel special and appreciated in my eyes. |
Anonymous
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Great job, OP. I'll probably out myself to any friends reading this thread, but still want to share our experience.
My DSS was older than your stepdaughter when I became pregnant, 22 and in his own apartment. We had been planning a visit to him anyway, and while we were there we broke the news. His reaction shocked us - he was thrilled! He was always the first person we called with updates, u/s photos, news of boy/girl. When we decorated her nursery we put a 4-photo frame on the wall. 3 of the four photos were of DH, me and DSS as infants, with the 4th awaiting her newborn pic. I.e., from the get-go this was a complete family unit including him. We had also asked our families to give us 2wks alone at home with the newborn to bond. Part of that was my DSS, he flew home the day we came home from the hospital and stayed for 5 days. He had little experience with babies, but was content to hold her and read a book while she snoozed. While I was in marathon nursing sessions, he and DH got 1-on-1 time doing the shopping and cooking. He lost a bit of sleep too with the middle of the night crying, so he got the whole experience! Since then we've done our best to build a relationship that includes 4 of us and help him know that he is just as important as he's always been. When we say grace before meals or bedtime prayers, his name is included even if he's not here. He notices therefore when he's home that it's part of DD's routine. We skype occasionally, but his weekly phone chats just with his dad also continue. We also talk to DD about her brother a lot, so she just adores him when he comes home - not bad for his ego, and to know that he is loved and not forgotten. We've added photos of her to our home but haven't taken down his photos. Admittedly, my love for her is different than my love for him, but my love for him isn't any less because I have her. I think DH would say the same thing. Good for you for thinking about these issues. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Oh, I LOVE this, every bit of it. The photo idea is a great one that we can do before the baby comes -- we will definitely do that! And I love the image of your DSS holding that newborn during those first days. Thank you for sharing this. |
Anonymous
| PP here, I love the idea of the photo collage. And I am rethinking my idea about post birth...I had talked by to my DH about wanting 2 weeks alone with just me, the baby, and DH, not to exclude his adult daughter, but because I know I may be stressed, in pain, and I'm totally new to all of this. But maybe I ought to consider her bonding more, too. |
Anonymous
| Don't overthink this! I got a half sister at that age and was very happy about it. |
Anonymous
I'm 9:36 and I'd encourage you to include her if she wants to be there. DH warned DSS ahead of time that it might include me in pain, lots of craziness, and seeing me breastfeed. He was game nonetheless. None of us have ever regretted including him in that nuclear family bonding, as opposed to treating him as part of the second-ring like grandparents and friends. |
Anonymous
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OP here -- DSD is coming to visit tomorrow. It's the first time we've seen her since we a) got to the second trimester and b) got normal CVS results, so now that we're feeling out of the woods, we will share the pregnancy news tomorrow evening. I'll let you know how it goes!
And in the vein of making sure DSD feels included from the very start, as many of you had suggested: First of all, she's the very first family member we're telling. And since she loves playing town crier, we figure she might want to tell DH's parents and sister, so we'll totally put the phone on speaker and let her be the one to share the news if she wants to. We also had our OB write down the baby's sex and put it in an envelope so that we can open it together as a family tomorrow (assuming DSD's reaction is reasonably positive to the overall news, that is). It's killing me to wait (we've had that damn envelope since Tuesday and it's all I can do not to hold it up to the light to peer through!) but seemed like the right thing to do... Again, many, many thanks for all your good advice. DH and I have really valued it. |
Anonymous
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Good luck. I'm wishing you a very happy announcement. I absolutely love my step mother. When I was 10 I made her and my dad sign a contract promising to have a baby (yes I am now a lawyer). I was so happy when she told me they were having a baby and even though I am 13 years older than my sister we are still very close. I'm sure she will be very excited.
I will say that I really appreciated that my step-mom let me help out with my sister, but never made me. I was allowed to be a kid and my space and privacy was respected. I was not their go-to babysitter and I am appreciative of that. When my sister was born they gave me a special piece of jewelry. I still have it. I think a token or something like that would be nice. It's not like you are dealing with a jealous toddler, but it is a nice tangible reminder that she still holds your hearts. Flash forward to today. My step mother was the matron of honor at my wedding and we talk on the phone almost daily. That's how much I love her. My sister chose to go to a college away from home but near me. I see her weekly. She can confide in me in a way she can't with her parents, but still looks at me as a bit of an older adult-type figure. It is a nice and unexpected relationship that surprises a lot of people. |