Husband interrupts whatever I am doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[google]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be Aspergers?
My DH comes to talk to me just when I’m in the throne, trying to do my business quietly.

^correction: sitting on the throne

You view your role as being a queen with a throne? Jesus

She’s talking about him interrupting her when she’s on the toilet…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem. Usually he needed my help or wanted me to do something right then. My problem was I would drop everything and do it. Now I say, firmly and sometimes in an annoyed tone, I will when I’m finished or I’m doing something but I can later. He also would take up space like he’ll need to do something in the kitchen as I’m doing something and expect me to move. I now say, let me finish this first. He does not object to this.

My take is that he just expects to take up the space whenever he needs it, his needs come first, he’s not interrupting, he’s just doing the next thing, whereas as a woman I learned to adapt, move aside and be amenable. I think this kind of adaptability never occurred to him but as I said, now that I say something, he goes along with it.

My husband does this and this is exactly my take, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is similar. I lock him out of spaces when I need to be alone. He is able to open the door with a coat hanger and still comes in but at least it buys me some time and peace.

No answers here. He gets hurt and defensive when I say that to him also and I’m not wanting to fight over and over again.

What?! You lock a door and he opens it with a coat hangar? This might be one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any time you aren’t doing something? It seems like you just don’t want your husband to talk to you?

This is a valid question! There definitely is. We usually chat after dinner while the kids play, we talk throughout the day, hang out a bit before we go to bed, regular intimacy, we do date nights, spend weekend nights hanging out together. However, our weekdays are pretty busy and I do go to bed before him on the nights before I have to go into my office so I probably need to make more of an effort to carve our some quality time. I am also in general a lot more tightly wound than him and require more "quiet time." Maybe I need to start getting up earlier to read or something. This is good for thought.

I do need to try to talk to him about this not in the moment. Thanks for the advice.

[Anonymous]

My DH isn't this bad, but he definitely falls into the "she took out a book, she must be bored, let me tell her about everything I read on Twitter today" mindset. I have explained to him (not in the moment) that I need quiet alone time to decompress, and when I can tell I'm on edge and will be more irritated by interruptions I take that alone time in the bath. Nobody bothers me in the tub.

More importantly, you've got to figure out how to communicate with him in general. The idea that he's so resistant to percieved criticism that you have to game plan out how to address telling him "I'm in the middle of something right now" with strangers on the internet is not ideal.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a very solvable problem!

Two things:
1) he sounds lonely and like he wants more time talking/hanging out with you. Maybe ask him if this is true? Can you build in more time together, maybe watch a tv show together, or find intentional times to talk when you have more energy?

2) it’s Interesting that you mention that he makes a big deal about saying “it’s my TV time now.” Have you considered just doing the same thing? (“it’s my podcast time.” “It’s my meditation time” etc.). You might want to just try doing that so he understands what you’re really asking for. Some people might think dishwashing time is boring and that you would be up for a conversation—it’s not a crazy thought. I think you have to be more explicit about what is private time if it doesn’t necessarily look like private time. Also, I put a stop sign on my office door to indicate when I am busy / no visitors vs when I’m fine with someone coming in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem. Usually he needed my help or wanted me to do something right then. My problem was I would drop everything and do it. Now I say, firmly and sometimes in an annoyed tone, I will when I’m finished or I’m doing something but I can later. He also would take up space like he’ll need to do something in the kitchen as I’m doing something and expect me to move. I now say, let me finish this first. He does not object to this.

My take is that he just expects to take up the space whenever he needs it, his needs come first, he’s not interrupting, he’s just doing the next thing, whereas as a woman I learned to adapt, move aside and be amenable. I think this kind of adaptability never occurred to him but as I said, now that I say something, he goes along with it.

My DH does this and my oldest DS (now 20) is even worse. They both have ADHD and I think it's a combination of impulse control and obliviousness. They think it and then immediately do it without regard to how it's interrupting anyone. With my oldest DS, I think there's an element of anxiety with it as well. He 'needs' it done now - to the point that I can be in the house all day and have little interactions with DS. I go out for a walk and 10 minutes later he calls me because he 'needs' something right now. No, he can't wait until I get back to ask me......

I try to establish boundaries/guidelines when I don't want to be disturbed and I explicitly point out when their behavior is having an impact they don't seem to be aware of - like taking up too much space when I'm trying to work in the kitchen or working in the one spot that blocks access to the trash, fridge and stove.

My DH isn't as bad as my DS and I'm really working on him because, as I repeatedly tell him, his lack of attententiveness will impact his relationships with anyone he lives with. It doesn't matter if his actions are deliberate or not, the impact on people living with him is the same. He needs to be more aware and considerate.

[Anonymous]

My husbands the same way and yet when I do this back to him it's unacceptable but he can do this to me. WTF is that?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with two little kids, one of whom has special needs. I love my DH dearly but I am having this recurring issue where he will not allow me to have alone time, basically ever. No matter what I am trying to do, whether it is tending to the kids (and trying to listen to them, talk to them, etc), working from home, washing dishes, attempting to listen to a podcast, reading a book, he is terrible at noticing that I am doing something else and letting me do it. Example is when I am working from home, he will talk in the room and just start talking at me about whatever topic floats into his head. Or I finally sit down after getting the kids to bed, open my book, and he starts talking.

It is driving me nuts. He does not take well to me kindly saying, hey, I am in the middle of something - can we talk later?

My work days and time with my kids I am "on" pretty much all the time, and I need more quiet and time to relax and unwind without focusing on whatever he wants to talk about. I am pretty good about making time for him but this feels like an immature and frankly kind of selfish behavior. In the meantime, if he has a TV show he wants to watch, he makes a big production about "hey this is my TV night" and goes and watches it. It has not always been like this and I am honestly not sure where this comes from. His friends kind of suck so I think he lacks people to talk to maybe?

AITA for being annoyed by this? Any tips for dealing with it?

Maybe you need to say it less "kindly"? And then if he doesn't "take well to" it, you can then not "take well" to his his not taking well?

[Anonymous]

Op consider yourself lucky 🍀 your dh wants to talk to you. In many marriages women complain DHs don’t talk have any conversations beyond logistics etc and can’t emotionally connect. Consider yourself lucky. That being said he does need to give you some alone time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[google]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be Aspergers?
My DH comes to talk to me just when I’m in the throne, trying to do my business quietly.

^correction: sitting on the throne

You view your role as being a queen with a throne? Jesus

She’s talking about him interrupting her when she’s on the toilet…

You got my point. Thanks for being a smart reader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op consider yourself lucky 🍀 your dh wants to talk to you. In many marriages women complain DHs don’t talk have any conversations beyond logistics etc and can’t emotionally connect. Consider yourself lucky. That being said he does need to give you some alone time

Wow. Way to be dismissive. Do you always tell people how they should feel? Do you also tell someone complaining about their kid jumping on the bed that they should be grateful instead because some kids don't have legs to jump?

[Anonymous]

You HAVE to talk to him about this before it blows up. Speak kindly and lovingly but you need to get him to stop before you start to hate him.

[Anonymous]

There’s a thread about a husband innocently sitting in a Giant parking lot for alone time from his SAH wife…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You HAVE to talk to him about this before it blows up. Speak kindly and lovingly but you need to get him to stop before you start to hate him.

and more firmly than you have. It's okay that he doesn't take it kindly. You can choose to see that as nice that he wants to talk to you. Just keep kindly, respectfully, but firmly NOT allowing him to interrupt. Don't give in just to avoid his reaction which makes you uncomfortable. And then when you are together show that you really want to be together, you appreciate what he does, you really are interested in what he has to say, etc.