Husband interrupts whatever I am doing

[Anonymous]

while you are pocket rocketing OP...???

[Anonymous]

Unless it happens every 10 minutes, you are one of those people who are not to be interrupted. I have only ever heard a narcissist say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be Aspergers?
My DH comes to talk to me just when I’m in the throne, trying to do my business quietly.

DCUM, as ever, immediately leaping to a medical diagnosis. Not everything has to be pathologized and made into a diagnosis for treatment.

I haven't read the whole thread (so please bear that caveat in mind), but:OP, when you say he "doesn't take kindly" to your asking him to talk later--what does "doesn't take kindly" mean? That is key here, to me. If he gets angry or upset, if he fumes or pouts or brings it up poutily later on, those behaviors are out of proportion (as you know already). I'd focus on why he can't simply understand you're busy and say, "Oh, right."

When you tell him, "Can we talk later," do you follow up later, give him your attention, and say, "You wanted to talk earlier! What's up?" etc.? If you already do that, does he then engage, or does he get pouty and clam up as a way to punish you?

Also, have you told him exactly what you said in your first post here--the explanation about being "on" constantly for both work and kids, and your need for specific, non-talking down time? I'd have that talk and I would not wing it, but would jot down what I wanted to say, and would have this talk when the kids are not around and he has NOT just tried to interrupt immediately beforehand. He sounds like he needs a very focused face-to-face at a calm time--not in the moment, when he's interrupting; he'll just fail to "take it kindly" in the moment. I know. You should not need to manage an adult like that. But one very focused, you-have--my-full-attention conversastion sounds needed. Not reaaction as the annoying behavior is taking place.

If all else is good, don't let this -- intensely annoying as it can get -- harm an otherwise good relationship. My own DH is very social and enthusiastic and loves to share with me about something he's just read in the paper or seen on TV or something that just happened in his work day (we are both WFH). I adore that he is so sharing and talkative, but I also am not a multi-tasker and I get distracted very easily, so sometimes I have to say, "Hold that thought 'til lunchtime" or whatever, and I try always to circle back and ask what he wanted to tell me. The difference might be that my DH is easygoing and never "fails to take it well" like your DH does. Maybe focus less on the interruptions and more on why he sees it as a personal slight if you simply say "I'm in the middle of something." It's not a slight at all, so why are his reactions so touchy? Is he touchy in other ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it happens every 10 minutes, you are one of those people who are not to be interrupted. I have only ever heard a narcissist say that.

OP never said it happens every t0 minutes, but did say it happens no matter what she's trying to do. It's not narcissistic to want to complete a task, listen to a child, or read a freaking book without having to stop and listen to someone who already interrupted you earlier in another task. You, though, may want to explore why you leap to knee-jerk assumptions about other people's mental health if they aren't fine with being interrupted repeatedly. Even if those interruptions are more than 10 minutes apart. Maybe you're the interruptor and don't perceive you do it.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to read my book now. Do you need anything before I get started?
Help me with this first and then we can talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to read my book now. Do you need anything before I get started?
Help me with this first and then we can talk.

Both of these are very good, pithy, direct ways to respond to his interruptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with you, op.
The issue is my dh doesn’t want to connect. He wants to talk about himself. His work issues, his problems his concerns his stress.
If I don’t stop and say “well now I’m going to talk about something going on with me!” He would never ask.

I leave the house to go for walks if I want to listen to something. I lock my home office door.
Or I started going out of town for 48 hours solo.

I can’t change him. I can only change myself and my approach.

I was going to write something similar. The things he wants to say at me are always some variation of 1) too much work 2) not enough work 3) other people get paid more than him. He doesn’t do anything besides work and hang out with the kids so there’s not much to talk about. Plus he doesn’t have any friends left and he wants me to take the place of all his lapsed friendships. I am honestly at a point where I just do whatever and he will have to deal. I have asked him to go to therapy again many times and he won’t so I am not going to make myself crazy because he wants to use me as a coping mechanism for his own imbalanced life.

This really resonated. DH rarely goes into the office and has entirely too much time on his hands with no real friendships, hobbies, or connections. So I am told the play by play of every meeting, project, gripe, and complaint that’s he’s undervalued. It’s the running dialogue of his day and thoughts that enter his mind. I support him emotionally. I support him in a way a colleague should. I support him in a way a buddy or fellow dude should. I listen to him the way a therapist, friend, coworker, literally whoever else I’m forgetting except the conversation isn’t reciprocal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[google]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be Aspergers?
My DH comes to talk to me just when I’m in the throne, trying to do my business quietly.

^correction: sitting on the throne

You view your role as being a queen with a throne? Jesus

She’s talking about him interrupting her when she’s on the toilet…

I love hiding in the toilet room, 6-8:30am and 7-8:30pm.

Are you me? I swear i didn’t write this comment!! This is what i have to do. As the kids dad literally wont stop talking and moving around the house. I can never relax or get things done. He takes over all the space with his noise and chaos. He then thinks i am the bully and nasty one for wanting my space and peace! I cant’t stand him and neither can other people. He is hyper and hypes the kids up. When he is not here the kids and myself = calm and relaxed. Irony is the manchild father see it and actually thinks i am the chaotic useless parent. F**k him

You just laid out my whole life in a nutshell especially the rile the kids up part !! And I have SEVEN with my DH he won’t STFU or sit still we even have to talk and wants feedback and eye contact and while we eat AND WATCH TV at the same time !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem. Usually he needed my help or wanted me to do something right then. My problem was I would drop everything and do it. Now I say, firmly and sometimes in an annoyed tone, I will when I’m finished or I’m doing something but I can later. He also would take up space like he’ll need to do something in the kitchen as I’m doing something and expect me to move. I now say, let me finish this first. He does not object to this.

My take is that he just expects to take up the space whenever he needs it, his needs come first, he’s not interrupting, he’s just doing the next thing, whereas as a woman I learned to adapt, move aside and be amenable. I think this kind of adaptability never occurred to him but as I said, now that I say something, he goes along with it.

Wow. You people are stuck with some serious aholes. I can’t fathom being married to someone like that. What a d*ck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with you, op.
The issue is my dh doesn’t want to connect. He wants to talk about himself. His work issues, his problems his concerns his stress.
If I don’t stop and say “well now I’m going to talk about something going on with me!” He would never ask.

I leave the house to go for walks if I want to listen to something. I lock my home office door.
Or I started going out of town for 48 hours solo.

I can’t change him. I can only change myself and my approach.

I was going to write something similar. The things he wants to say at me are always some variation of 1) too much work 2) not enough work 3) other people get paid more than him. He doesn’t do anything besides work and hang out with the kids so there’s not much to talk about. Plus he doesn’t have any friends left and he wants me to take the place of all his lapsed friendships. I am honestly at a point where I just do whatever and he will have to deal. I have asked him to go to therapy again many times and he won’t so I am not going to make myself crazy because he wants to use me as a coping mechanism for his own imbalanced life.

This really resonated. DH rarely goes into the office and has entirely too much time on his hands with no real friendships, hobbies, or connections. So I am told the play by play of every meeting, project, gripe, and complaint that’s he’s undervalued. It’s the running dialogue of his day and thoughts that enter his mind. I support him emotionally. I support him in a way a colleague should. I support him in a way a buddy or fellow dude should. I listen to him the way a therapist, friend, coworker, literally whoever else I’m forgetting except the conversation isn’t reciprocal.

NP. God, this. You are my therapy sister. DH seems to think it’s sweet when he says “I don’t need anyone in my life but YOU” - I finally broke down last night and told him Yeah, you need other people. Multiple other people. You need actual coworkers and a gym buddy and a book club.
He is like a jack russell terrier and I am his only exercise. It’s exhausting. Meanwhile by the time I am done listening to the play by play of precisely what the work email said and what the cashier said and where they moved the sodas to at target… I am in no mood to share what happened during MY day. He just gets “It was fine.”
These husbands need a play group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a legit good question.

Do you make time for your husband, or are you just focused on children and your “me time?”

In other threads, women complain about their absentee husbands and want to divorce.

Men can’t win

A: You can win thou. Make some time for adult responsibilities. Stop expecting women to do your chores/childrearing, secretarial work, family planning, elder care, everyone’s care then ask that we be all energized and at the ready to skip on thru a goddamn daisy field whilst looking fresh for the plucking and psyched to feed your insecure sorry ass.

This wins best post on DCUM 2024. Bravo!🎉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be Aspergers?
My DH comes to talk to me just when I’m in the throne, trying to do my business quietly.

DCUM, as ever, immediately leaping to a medical diagnosis. Not everything has to be pathologized and made into a diagnosis for treatment.

I haven't read the whole thread (so please bear that caveat in mind), but:OP, when you say he "doesn't take kindly" to your asking him to talk later--what does "doesn't take kindly" mean? That is key here, to me. If he gets angry or upset, if he fumes or pouts or brings it up poutily later on, those behaviors are out of proportion (as you know already). I'd focus on why he can't simply understand you're busy and say, "Oh, right."

When you tell him, "Can we talk later," do you follow up later, give him your attention, and say, "You wanted to talk earlier! What's up?" etc.? If you already do that, does he then engage, or does he get pouty and clam up as a way to punish you?

Also, have you told him exactly what you said in your first post here--the explanation about being "on" constantly for both work and kids, and your need for specific, non-talking down time? I'd have that talk and I would not wing it, but would jot down what I wanted to say, and would have this talk when the kids are not around and he has NOT just tried to interrupt immediately beforehand. He sounds like he needs a very focused face-to-face at a calm time--not in the moment, when he's interrupting; he'll just fail to "take it kindly" in the moment. I know. You should not need to manage an adult like that. But one very focused, you-have--my-full-attention conversastion sounds needed. Not reaaction as the annoying behavior is taking place.

If all else is good, don't let this -- intensely annoying as it can get -- harm an otherwise good relationship. My own DH is very social and enthusiastic and loves to share with me about something he's just read in the paper or seen on TV or something that just happened in his work day (we are both WFH). I adore that he is so sharing and talkative, but I also am not a multi-tasker and I get distracted very easily, so sometimes I have to say, "Hold that thought 'til lunchtime" or whatever, and I try always to circle back and ask what he wanted to tell me. The difference might be that my DH is easygoing and never "fails to take it well" like your DH does. Maybe focus less on the interruptions and more on why he sees it as a personal slight if you simply say "I'm in the middle of something." It's not a slight at all, so why are his reactions so touchy? Is he touchy in other ways?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it happens every 10 minutes, you are one of those people who are not to be interrupted. I have only ever heard a narcissist say that.

No.

[Anonymous]

Super rude to demand your attention like a child …
I’d being this to his attention - firmly.