How do you know if a man will make a good father?

[Anonymous]

About half of adults come from divorced homes, so I guess you should eliminate half the population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About half of adults come from divorced homes, so I guess you should eliminate half the population.

My first serious BF came from a very dysfunctional family. When he started talking about “the future” is when I decided to move on. His whole life experience was drama rich and that was not a good sign.

[Anonymous]

I think that until it happens, and he's under that pressure, you just don't know, but I'd say, as someone who often regrets marrying my husband because of his parenting, emotional intelligence is a biggie. You can come from a crummy family and still have emotional intelligence. You can come from a "good" two-parent family and not have an ounce of it.

I even had insight, my DH had two kids already when I met him! The problem is they were in mid-elementary school. My husband was a good father to toddlers, and then young kids, even tweens, but when they got to be around 16 and becoming independent, having their own thoughts, their own ideas, and if they didn't line up with Dad's, it was a different fathering story. And especially towards his sons. It continues to be a rough road.

[Anonymous]

Most people will parent similar to how they were parented. I would look at their family of origin.

We all want different things out of our partners too, we don't all want them to be dads the same way. Some people just want a good financial provider. Others want an energetic dad who is on the floor playing with kids, whereas some people don't care about that. I too think that you set the stage early for what you expect from your spouse. My spouse didn't grow up getting read to. I cut that out quick and he now enjoys reading for 30 min to them. He also does 50% of kid chores and we take turns with different things. DH and I listen to child discipline books and discuss them together.

[Anonymous]

He should be patient, kind, and joyful.

[Anonymous]

He said he knew nothing about dogs but then was great when we got a dog.

He said he knew nothing about kids but was amazing with my niece: patient, gentle, attentive to what she said, had no issue listening to her constant talking and responding with genuine interest. I can't even do that, and I'm a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my one simple test: is he a good person who does the right thing and puts in effort *even when no one is watching or noticing?* Most of being a parent is seeing through what needs to be done when it’s thankless and you get little/no credit.

[Anonymous]

You can't for the most part.
Someone can be a good person but not up to being a good parent
There's some characteristics you should avoid.

To name a few

1. A bad temper and poor emotional control.

2. Addiction issues of any kind

3. Selfishness. In any form he won't make a great partner or parent

[Anonymous]

Rigidity of any kind (“stubborn streak”), nitpicking tendencies, unhappy childhood, lack of empathy, need to one up everyone, seeing compromising as “bending to someone’s will”, enmeshment issues with family of origin, being overly thrifty. Any kind of anxiety. Any kind of self-destructive behavior. Any kind of critical worldview (even self-directed critisism). These are huge red flags. Even if the trait is benign/mild pre-kids, it will amplify 100x with the stress of small children and can make you and kids miserable. A good boyfriend, travel mate, roommate can be a total nightmare as a partner.

Look for someone easy going, responsible and flexible, for whom having kids is very valuable and who is ok with the partner being in charge during initial infant stages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are his parents like and what's his relationship with his parents like?

This. The cycle tends to repeat.

+1000

By far the most important factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity of any kind (“stubborn streak”), nitpicking tendencies, unhappy childhood, lack of empathy, need to one up everyone, seeing compromising as “bending to someone’s will”, enmeshment issues with family of origin, being overly thrifty. Any kind of anxiety. Any kind of self-destructive behavior. Any kind of critical worldview (even self-directed critisism). These are huge red flags. Even if the trait is benign/mild pre-kids, it will amplify 100x with the stress of small children and can make you and kids miserable. A good boyfriend, travel mate, roommate can be a total nightmare as a partner.

Look for someone easy going, responsible and flexible, for whom having kids is very valuable and who is ok with the partner being in charge during initial infant stages.

+1

This. A guy who is generally emotionally healthy and well adjusted, had a pretty happy childhood and has a good stable relationship with his family origin is going to be a pretty good bet. And no addiction or destructive bad habits.

[Anonymous]

Takes on emotional labor
Has experience with kids
Is connected with and gets along well with his family

[Anonymous]

Emotional intelligence. Empathy. Kindness. Patience. A sense of humor.

Someone who is responsible. Takes his "duties" seriously. Demonstrates through actions what it is to be good. And smart. And disciplined.

Anyone rigid in their thoughts or uncompromising or easy to anger will be a problem and a terrible father.

I don't necessarily agree that family history is destiny. Often times it is. But sometimes it creates a wellspring of empathy and an acute awareness of what not to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his parents like and what's his relationship with his parents like?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my one simple test: is he a good person who does the right thing and puts in effort *even when no one is watching or noticing?* Most of being a parent is seeing through what needs to be done when it’s thankless and you get little/no credit.

How would you know this if no one is watching?