does my family really hate me?

[Anonymous]

A cousin I barely know reached out to me last week to specifically mention that they're having a family reunion this summer but DH and aren't invited. Oh, and also that everyone hates me. Didn't I wonder why no one showed up to my wedding 18 years ago?

I was stunned. It's true barely anyone came. We invited 120, 37 showed up. I chalked it up to me being an introvert, us being married across the country, me not having kept in great touch with extended family (I lived in Denver at the time - family was spread all over). I never insisted, wasn't a bridezilla, just sent the invitations to those I was obligated to invite, and that was that. Never mentioned gifts, didn't pressure anyone. I thought the distance was literally geographic, but now I'm not so sure.

What am I supposed to think about this?

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I'd think your cousin was a sh*t-stirrer *ss*ole.

I'd go on with my life exactly as I did before that cousin reached out. And I'd probably block them.

[Anonymous]

I would call that cousin and ask for specifics as to why the whole family hates me. Then I would seriously analyze what they said. I might also ask other family members if they agreed. Then, if I actually liked my family, I'd try to improve the relationships by taking their concerns to heart. If I didn't actually like my family I would ignore the whole thing and block my cousin's number, email and texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call that cousin and ask for specifics as to why the whole family hates me. Then I would seriously analyze what they said. I might also ask other family members if they agreed. Then, if I actually liked my family, I'd try to improve the relationships by taking their concerns to heart. If I didn't actually like my family I would ignore the whole thing and block my cousin's number, email and texts.

I did politely message her back and ask for details. She blocked me.

[Anonymous]

Surely your cousin explained why?

My husband is on the autism spectrum. When we got married, his close family was there, but he couldn't invite any friends... because he had no friends. 20 years later, he still doesn't have friends. He socializes with mine. He doesn't know how to sustain a friend relationship, or a long-distance relationship with anyone who isn't extremely close to him (so no extended relatives) and he doesn't even try. He doesn't even realize what he's missing, so he's not depressed about it. He lives a happy autistic life.

Are you someone like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call that cousin and ask for specifics as to why the whole family hates me. Then I would seriously analyze what they said. I might also ask other family members if they agreed. Then, if I actually liked my family, I'd try to improve the relationships by taking their concerns to heart. If I didn't actually like my family I would ignore the whole thing and block my cousin's number, email and texts.

I did politely message her back and ask for details. She blocked me.

I'd move on, OP. Make a good life with your DH.

You might also want to read up on scapegoat dynamics in dysfunctional families. Sounds like they have kept you in that role for years with minimal contact.

https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2020/08/28/5-critical-things-to-know-about-family-scapegoating-abuse-fsa/

Your cousin sounds like someone best out of your life.

[Anonymous]

You invited 120 family? Or 120 only.

You remember only 37 came?

I just went to the first wedding of a 42 year old male cousin.

There is no family animosity. He is the youngest of his generation and our family is small and somewhat introverted.

His father's side had zero relatives. Mother's side is close and my parents came and I came, repping my family of 4. So 3 of 10 possible persons from mother's side. There are at least 8 equivalent persons on the father's side.

So, in a no acrimony situation, my cousin got 3/18 possible family guests.

For my wedding, my godmother didn't come because her husband was dying and my great aunt and uncle went to a choir festival instead.

I don't think your ratio suggests a problem unless you got only 37 guests out of 120 total invited.

So,

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go to a wedding for a cousin I barely knew. But, to call and say you are excluded is weird.

[Anonymous]

PP continuing.

I would question why your cousin attacked you with this uselessly late info and then blocked you. Seems like bad motives or a larger family argument is at work.

Is there a past drama between your parents and other family members? Is there a past or current inheritance issue? Those can all be factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You invited 120 family? Or 120 only.

You remember only 37 came?

I just went to the first wedding of a 42 year old male cousin.

There is no family animosity. He is the youngest of his generation and our family is small and somewhat introverted.

His father's side had zero relatives. Mother's side is close and my parents came and I came, repping my family of 4. So 3 of 10 possible persons from mother's side. There are at least 8 equivalent persons on the father's side.

So, in a no acrimony situation, my cousin got 3/18 possible family guests.

For my wedding, my godmother didn't come because her husband was dying and my great aunt and uncle went to a choir festival instead.

I don't think your ratio suggests a problem unless you got only 37 guests out of 120 total invited.

So,

120 total, we got 37 guests. I really did chalk it up to us living across the country. We never truly expected a lot of them to show up.

[Anonymous]

I’m the black sheep in my family too. It only sucks for as long as you pay attention to their crap.

My cousins only come to events that my parents put on for the free meat. Literally. Anything else and they don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Surely in nearly 20 years you've been able to figure out if your family dislikes you or it was a distance thing. Do you have friends?

[Anonymous]

I imagine you have some sort of clue about what this is about.

[Anonymous]

You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could maybe start with why you consider family nothing more than an obligation?

I said wedding invitations were.