What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine
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Anonymous
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DH has never been good with money, or jobs, - anything related to adulting.
We got married in our 20s. He was cute and childlike. In our 40s I’m tired of being mom to kids, to him, breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer, cook, chauffeur, life organizer etc. he gets to work late then somehow doesn’t get home until the kids are in bed…. I don’t dislike him but this dynamic is not working for me.what I’m really torn over is that I can’t leave due to finances. My bad but somehow money has become for him “I keep my paycheck and buy fun stuff. You pay for everything else.” So if we divorce then I’ll have to pay him maintenance and lose equity in house, and my savings, and he has massive debt and I’d still get custody of the kids and all our expenses… My father asked if I needed financial help to leave. I don’t know how that would even work…. Talk me off a ledge. |
Anonymous
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Had an ex husband like this. Wanted to do all the fun stuff and spend thousands on his hobbies. Didn't lift a finger around the house or spend a single minute worrying about paying bills or anything else an adult has to do. Obviously, I divorced him. He was shocked when I did so because he didn't think I was serious after years of futile discussions and then direct warnings.
Have you discussed this with any professionals? Not just a counselor but also an attorney? If your father knows, you've obviously talked to your family but I would urge caution to a certain extent there. Of course they will take your side, support you and will help, but make 100% sure that whatever you do is of your own volition and is the decision that is best for your children and you. How old are your kids? Absent outright abuse, is there is any way you can hang in there until they are all of age? It might be the easiest solution. You can keep family and home intact. Do it on the condition that your DH will have all his pay deposited into an account he doesn't have access over, and he will get an "allowance" to play with. Also tell him that he will have certain days/timeframes to be child care-giver and make him stick to it. If he doesn't agree to the new normal, tell him the only option you have is a legal separation - then do it. If that doesn't wake him up, then divorce. |
Anonymous
| What does he drive? Stop paying for that. |
Anonymous
| He’s exactly the man you married. Why are you complaining? You thought you’d fix him? He’s the man you married. |
Anonymous
| You guys got married and never combined your finances? It sounds like these are the terms you agreed to from day one. Time to renegotiate. And first off, put all your money in one pot. |
Anonymous
^ That he has limited access to, or he'll wind up spending it on whatever HE wants. |
Anonymous
They were young. Lots of us make bad decisions young. She's trying to fix that. |
Anonymous
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Stop paying half the bills. What's his next move? Sell the fun stuff lying around the house. |
Anonymous
That's not combined finances. What they need is 3 pots: his, hers, and joint. |
Anonymous
This is dumb. Everyone spends their money on themselves before they get married and have kids. Everyone, including OP. It's not selfish, it's just what money is for. She adjusted to the added responsibilities, and it's not her fault that she didn't accurately predict that he never would. |
Anonymous
Does it hurt when the marbles rattle around and bang into your empty skull? |
Anonymous
| "he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets. |
Anonymous
+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says. Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things? What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP? Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that. |
Anonymous
| Hasn’t this topic been done to death? Search the archive |
Anonymous
Who made you the forum police? No one. You don't like the topic yet you felt compelled to post. Maybe go find something else to do today. |