What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.

Gather the docs above and take them to a divorce attorney. They will advise what kind of debt and equity split is likely as well as likely child support and if you will be on the hook for "maintenance" unlikely if he is working at all.

This financial situation only gets worse the longer you are legally tied to him.

If your parents offered help - take it! It means they see something is seriously wrong. They love you and want you to have a normal healthy relationship. You may not know what to ask them for in terms of financial help until after you meet with an attorney, who will also tell you how much in legal and other fees the divorce will cost.

I deeply wish I had cut myself off more fully from my deeply dysfunctional ex much more quickly at the earliest signs. Every moment I remained tied to him in any way - maritally or as a co-parent instead of a parallel parent - was time wasted in creating a healthy life for me and the kids.

Don't be me. Don't wait to extract yourself - at least not longer than absolutely necessary to make plans and put them in motion.

[Anonymous]

If he has access to your accounts, make sure that stops.

[Anonymous]

aww, dads. Do you think he has been prepared to say that for a while? Maybe ask him.

[Anonymous]

You need to start a mad money stash.

[Anonymous]

Counseling asap to renegotiate your marriage
Divorce sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.

Gather the docs above and take them to a divorce attorney. They will advise what kind of debt and equity split is likely as well as likely child support and if you will be on the hook for "maintenance" unlikely if he is working at all.

What is a lawyer going to tell her other than the very obvious "you will split the assets and debts 50/50 and plug in both your incomes to calculate child support"? No point in spending money to have a lawyer tell you something that is true in 99% of cases.

Rather than divorce it would probably be cheaper for OP to outsource as many of the things as possible that are exhausting her - hire a cleaning service, pay for Dream Dinners or something to provide a month's worth of meals etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.

Gather the docs above and take them to a divorce attorney. They will advise what kind of debt and equity split is likely as well as likely child support and if you will be on the hook for "maintenance" unlikely if he is working at all.

What is a lawyer going to tell her other than the very obvious "you will split the assets and debts 50/50 and plug in both your incomes to calculate child support"? No point in spending money to have a lawyer tell you something that is true in 99% of cases.

Rather than divorce it would probably be cheaper for OP to outsource as many of the things as possible that are exhausting her - hire a cleaning service, pay for Dream Dinners or something to provide a month's worth of meals etc.

This. The plan laid out here is not bad. And true, divorce lawyer are like Task Rabbit. Most people who can work an Excel sheet can do it themselves. First thing I tell my gal pals: Get on Excel.

I had a lawyer. I had to correct all of her math. Some time she would plug in the wrong client name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s exactly the man you married. Why are you complaining? You thought you’d fix him? He’s the man you married.

Does it hurt when the marbles rattle around and bang into your empty skull?

Ha ha! Great comeback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has never been good with money, or jobs, - anything related to adulting.

…

I don’t dislike him but this dynamic is not working for me.what I’m really torn over is that I can’t leave due to finances.

…

Talk me off a ledge.

You asked to be talked off a ledge, so I will try to do that. You start by bringing up the thing that seems like the real problem: that he is not being an equal partner in the life you have built together with your kids. If he had some hugely time-consuming job and earned a lot of money, I could see how there would be a case that he is contributing to the household. It sounds like that is nowhere near to your situation. What have you tried to do to hold him accountable in your marriage? Not saying you should have to do that in an ideal world, but you’re not in an ideal world.

The split finances issue is a different thing, and maybe more logistical than fundamental (I don’t know what your relationship is like). Doing simple things like combining your accounts and limiting his access to those accounts until he is a more willing participant in your life. Seems like you should just do that. Who is he to say that you can’t? He shouldn’t get only the fun part without any of the burden. I don’t get how men can expect adult authority and toddler responsibility. Maybe phrase it to him just like that.