35, single, and ready to give up

[Anonymous]

Because dating is exhausting. I am so immensely sick of continuously putting myself out there to go on boring dates and having things either just not connect, or each other's lives get in the way of building a real relationship, or finding out that men in their late 30s/40s are just as immature as men were in their 20s when it comes to ghosting and lovebombing and just lying. I also see that my problem is I want to focus on one guy at a time. When I meet someone and it seems like we click, I want to focus on dating that guy and hoping for the best, rather than hedging my bets with a stack of dates through the next two weeks. But it seems like everyone in this game is hedging their bets with other options, and then just chooses the other options instead of me, while I should have kept my options open instead of focusing on one guy at a time.... and so on.

I hate dating. Every time I waste 2-3 hours on dates that go nowhere I wish I was doing something else. I'm seriously thinking about just accepting my life as a perpetually single person and using the extra time to build skills and pursue hobbies that I just haven't found quite enough time to do. With more nights in, I could work on starting a business, or getting back to composing music like I used to do... or both. The thought of that is so much more appealing than the hamster wheel of dating.

Thoughts? Is this rational and healthy, or is this just "cope"?

[Anonymous]

I hear ya. I remember those years and I was thirsty. Everywhere I went it was in the back of my mind that I had to seek out and meet eligible bachelors. Like a second job. It was exhausting. I don't have advice though since I did meet my husband online. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Date MANY people but schedule video calls first and then only 30-40 minute meetups if you feel an interest/spark, and be ready to cut those short if needed. Coffee, walks, runs, etc. always where it’s convenient for you (unless you’ve already met this person and are interested). That will lead to less resentment and more people. It’s a numbers game. I married at 35, had kids at 36 and 40, and I went on over 100 first “dates” before finding DH (video chatting wasn’t common then otherwise I think I would have done fewer in person meetups).

[Anonymous]

I think it is healthy and so many times in my life a friend or acquaintance has told me that they actually found their person while they were consciously not dating/looking. It is like you send out a better vibe into the world.

[Anonymous]

I met my husband online, too. I focused on being an amazing person. About 6 years of therapy. Rigorous, but fun workout routine. Deep friend groups. If you’re starting to feel desperate, it will show. If everyone else is choosing the other person, work on your general vibe. Ask a close friend for some honest and loving feedback.

And yes, I was never exclusive until after the second date. It’s expected.

[Anonymous]

I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

This is great advice. And yes, don’t settle! (I’m the PP who went on 100+ first online dates, which I prefer to call meetups because we are not dating before we even meet!)

[Anonymous]

You just haven't met the right person yet.

Men may hedge with other options, but when they meet a woman they like they focus on just her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because dating is exhausting. I am so immensely sick of continuously putting myself out there to go on boring dates and having things either just not connect, or each other's lives get in the way of building a real relationship, or finding out that men in their late 30s/40s are just as immature as men were in their 20s when it comes to ghosting and lovebombing and just lying. I also see that my problem is I want to focus on one guy at a time. When I meet someone and it seems like we click, I want to focus on dating that guy and hoping for the best, rather than hedging my bets with a stack of dates through the next two weeks. But it seems like everyone in this game is hedging their bets with other options, and then just chooses the other options instead of me, while I should have kept my options open instead of focusing on one guy at a time.... and so on.

I hate dating. Every time I waste 2-3 hours on dates that go nowhere I wish I was doing something else. I'm seriously thinking about just accepting my life as a perpetually single person and using the extra time to build skills and pursue hobbies that I just haven't found quite enough time to do. With more nights in, I could work on starting a business, or getting back to composing music like I used to do... or both. The thought of that is so much more appealing than the hamster wheel of dating.

Thoughts? Is this rational and healthy, or is this just "cope"?

The bolded portion above suggests that you, not them, may be the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

This. Focus on you. Easy enough to find real relationship success in your 40s and beyond, but make yourself the priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is healthy and so many times in my life a friend or acquaintance has told me that they actually found their person while they were consciously not dating/looking. It is like you send out a better vibe into the world.

Yup, it’s called manifesting. If your energy is desperate/negative yearning in some way, you will not attract it, whether it be a partner, money, good job, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is healthy and so many times in my life a friend or acquaintance has told me that they actually found their person while they were consciously not dating/looking. It is like you send out a better vibe into the world.

I heard this, too.

I started dating DH at 30. Prior to that I had very very very few dates. I, too, like OP, like to focus on one guy at a time. DH is an immigrant. He comes from a culture (time) when people didn't serial date while dating another person. If they felt it wasn't working, they ended it and moved on. That was much more my style.

I think in this day and age with social media and online dating, it's just too easy to serial date.

[Anonymous]

I think you've identified the flaw in your dating habits which is huge: focusing on one man then being disappointed when it doesn't work out! There's a reason other people don't date that way. We get too wrapped up in a person before we even know if they are a good fit.

I would try to approach dating as a numbers game/hobby. Each date, each conversation hones your skills so that you are more comfortable and able to show who you are so that you will truly shine in front of the right person eventually.

I tried to make dating as stress free as possible by having a set first date routine:
- trendy bar/restaurant within walking distance (don't have to spend money on Uber's and can get home almost instantly)
- always asked for a happy hour drink (didn't disrupt my sleep schedule)
- wore the same exact outfit/hair/makeup (not spending time fretting)

When I did meet people elsewhere I tried to have the mindset that this was an opportunity to explore a different part of the city, a new restaurant, and likely an entertaining story for friends. It helped, and I did meet my DH. Good luck if that's what you want, but it's also okay to pursue a joyous life in other ways!

[Anonymous]

Are you serious? Any woman who doesn't weigh 300 lbs can meet hundreds of guys online or walk into a bar and be surrounded by men. You're telling me you can't meet one decent guy with those numbers?

[Anonymous]

Wait for the ones coming out of marriages in late 40s and 50s. Give them some breathing room first though.
I have met only two men worth dating and I'm 46. That's almost 30 years of paying attention.