Sister is unhappy about how FaceTime calls with our niece are going

[Anonymous]

I have a three year old daughter, and my sister also has a three year old daughter. Sister lives about 6 hours away, so we only see them every few months, but it’s always a good time.

To help build a relationship between the two cousins, we try to FaceTime. I’ll be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Facetiming with a three year old; the set up is kind of awkward, and her attention span is 10 mins at most. I’ll admit that my sister initiates the calls much more frequently than I do, and I’m not great at returning her calls. It always seems like she calls at not great times (ex right during dinner or bedtime), but again, it’s on me to return her call. Also worth mentioning that I’ll FT her, and she’ll pick up when she’s not in a FT friendly environment (ex. loud restaurant, sporting event), but she’ll continue the call like it’s not a big deal.

Sister called me yesterday to tell me that she’s unhappy that I’m not doing a better job facilitating the relationship between the two cousins. She said that our niece gets said whenever I don’t answer the Facetime calls. Again, I do admit that I’m not great at returning the calls, so I’m in the wrong about that for sure, but I feel pretty terrible that our niece is sad about that. 

I then asked her what she’d like me to do better, and she said that she’d like the cousins to have actual conversation, and for me not to hang up the call after 10 mins. I reiterated to her that sometimes I don’t pick up because it’s a bad time, or DD is fussy, and I want the call to be a good experience for all. Her response was “oh I understand, but if she’s fussy, maybe we can help her feel better.”
So I’m at a crossroads with this. On one hand, my lack of picking up/initiating the calls deserved to be called out, and I feel especially terrible that my niece is sad over this. On the other hand, I can’t help but think her expectations are a little unrealistic. I mean they’re both three years old, is she expecting that they are hold a conversation for a whole hour?

[Anonymous]

I think it would be better to schedule these calls for a recurring set time, and I think your sister is being unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

“It’s not always a good time to talk. Why don’t we try texting on Thursdays or Fridays to see what times might be good for that weekend? I’d be happy to try to find better times to talk, but if it’s not working for Ellie, I’m not going to force it, and that’s not going to change.”

[Anonymous]

Your sister is completely unrealistic. Just FaceTime when it works for you and tell her that.

[Anonymous]

I bet your niece keeps pestering your sister about wanting to talk with her cousin. Your sister is transferring that stress to you.

Continue the calm approach. And as pp suggested, a set day is probably better for 3 uear olds.

[Anonymous]

Instead of managing her kid’s negative emotions (to the extent this sadness even exists), your sister is amplifying them AND making you responsible for them.

Unfortunately, you can’t help her be a better parent. But you can set boundaries to make things work better for your family. A weekly 10 minute call at an agreed upon time is healthy and age appropriate. Tell her that’s what would work better for you and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Your sister has completely unrealistic expectations.

Definitely schedule, or at least check by text before calling (for both of you.) Then no one is "sad" when someone doesn't answer. And I fully suspect your sister is creating the sad situation, I doubt her daughter actually cares all that much.

FaceTiming with 3yo is a near pointless endeavor. At least if you expect conversation. If the times were scheduled you could "prep" a little by suggesting things your daughter could show/tell her cousin about. That as the only way my kids would talk on FaceTime at that age, they loved showing off a toy or their bedroom or an art project. Maybe they could do some kind of activity together--like coloring or play-doh or something. They they can talk (with some prompting from adults) about what they are coloring/making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister has completely unrealistic expectations.

Definitely schedule, or at least check by text before calling (for both of you.) Then no one is "sad" when someone doesn't answer. And I fully suspect your sister is creating the sad situation, I doubt her daughter actually cares all that much.

FaceTiming with 3yo is a near pointless endeavor. At least if you expect conversation. If the times were scheduled you could "prep" a little by suggesting things your daughter could show/tell her cousin about. That as the only way my kids would talk on FaceTime at that age, they loved showing off a toy or their bedroom or an art project. Maybe they could do some kind of activity together--like coloring or play-doh or something. They they can talk (with some prompting from adults) about what they are coloring/making.

+1. Your sister is insane. 3 year olds don’t need to build a relationship over FaceTime. I hate FaceTime and would resist a relationship with anyone who tried to force me to do it.

[Anonymous]

Be honest and kind
sorry sis facetime isn’t the way 3 yr olds have friends
and just bc the girls are not having regular facetime convos doesn’t mean they won’t have a relationship

let’s plan when we can get the girls together in person

if she is unplayable her be unhappy but continue to reiterate getting together in person

also you need to tell her that her DDs emotion don’t need to be managed by you - if her DD is sad that’s ok , sadness is a normal emotion

[Anonymous]

She needs to manage her little girl's expectations. She should not be saying let's call DD and then the child is disappointed when you don't answer. You all should schedule and let her daughter be pleasantly surprised.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is dumb. Obviously her daughter is whining a lot because it gets her moms attention, but realistically no 3 y/o wants to have an hour long conversation.

My sister is similarly dramatic. I finally got out of mind numbing boring facetime calls with her and her daughter by telling her I hated how I looked on Facetime. She is incredibly vain so she believed that was a legitimate reason, lol.

I would just repeatedly tell her "Sorry, but my Susie isn't developmentally ready for these long calls. Let's do 10 minutes once a week and in six months I'll see if she's ready for more."

[Anonymous]

Is it the niece who is sad or the sister ? I bet the niece doesn’t care and it’s the sister making this a big deal.

[Anonymous]

When DS was 3, he grab the phone during FaceTime and run off to show his grandparents whatever art/lego/pillow fort he working on. We’d joke that the grandparents saw more of our ceilings than of him. Thankfully they were thrilled to have any time with him and never once demanded he sit still and talk to them. They also understood that he was THREE and had the attention span of goldfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be better to schedule these calls for a recurring set time, and I think your sister is being unrealistic.

+1. One 10 minute FaceTime a week with 3 year olds sounds like plenty!

[Anonymous]

Scheduling is a much better idea, and even then it should be really to catch up with your sister, and the nieces come on/off the call as they wish. They are so little! My nephew is 5 now and I don't expect him to sit and talk to me for any straight amount of time.