Friends with exes (no kids involved)

[Anonymous]

I need some perspective on an issue I am having with my boyfriend of just over a year. We are both in our 30s, I am divorced and he has never been married. No kids. He is a fabulous man and I can truly see myself spending the rest of my life with him, except for one big problem: his ex girlfriend.

He and his ex were friends for many years before they dated, and the relationship lasted a year and a half. The last 4-5 months of it was long distance, and they broke up due to religious differences and incompatibility about how they might raise future children (she wanted with her religion, he wanted either no religion or for them to decide when they're older). That is all to say that their relationship didn't end due to cheating or abuse or anything.

We started dating about 6 months after they broke up, and he told me before we were exclusive that he is friends with her. At first I thought this was a green flag, that he can be mature about relationships ending, but as time went on I realized the depth of their friendship and I am not okay with it, specifically the frequency of how often they communicate. She lives halfway across the country, and they would text each other multiple times a week for a few hours at a time, with a phone call every month or so. We talked about how this made me uncomfortable and he agreed to dial back the contact significantly, to every month or so. She has not really liked that, and had been trying to ramp up communication again, including trying to convince him to do a "movie night" where they sit on the phone and watch a movie together. I told him that is inappropriate and something that people in LDRs do, not friends who have significant others.

He doesn't have a lot of friends, and says that because they were friends for a while before they dated, and there are no hard feelings between them since the break up, that I feel like he does enjoy having her as a friend. I have read their texts and the content is friendly/platonic, just way too often in my opinion. Just before christmas they were on the phone for THREE hours "catching up" despite texting weekly about mundane stuff. I almost dumped him when he told me that, and he agreed to only contact her on birthdays and holidays going forward.

I truly think he is not doing this maliciously, but that he really does value this friendship with her. I have told him I can't be in a relationship with someone that close to their ex, and so he agreed to birthday/holiday contact only.

Any thoughts? Are we doomed?

[Anonymous]

I can understand texting or calls few times a year but any more is inappropriate and an unnecessary risk.

[Anonymous]

You can maturely discuss boundaries and consequences, better if with a neutral marital counselor involved. No need to be upset, handle it calmly.

[Anonymous]

What, exactly, are you feeling insecure about? Because your controlling impulses are probably disqualifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand texting or calls few times a year but any more is inappropriate and an unnecessary risk.

Risk of what

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What, exactly, are you feeling insecure about? Because your controlling impulses are probably disqualifying.

Just the fact that he has such a strong emotional connection to someone who he dated, loved, wanted to marry, and have kids with. Also that their relationship was long distance at the end so it feels like a kind of continuation of it, even if there's no "I love yous" or visits.

I do recognize that this is a controlling aspect, but I don't think this is too out of left field for a serious relationship. That's why I asked, if I heard that lots of people are weekly regular texters with their exes, I may be able to rationalize it better. But I don't think thats the norm, and I don't think the majority of women (or men, if the genders were switched) would be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

In the time that you have been together, has he seen her in person at all? The texting wouldn't bother me but Facetiming during an entire movie is weird with anyone when you are 30+.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

I agree with all of this. I had a romantic relationship with a good friend and as much as we tried to remain friends after we stopped being romantically involved, it's really hard. There's always feelings there on one side or the other. I still miss him a lot, and he was the one who finally stopped reaching out, but I think it was the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Considering they were friends well prior to dating, it can be difficult to ask him to cut off their relationship. There is a good reason they were friends then dated. Also, the reasons they stopped dating were fairly serious, but that does not mean they are not still attracted to each other.

One question is why are you, OP, jealous? This woman is on the other side of the country. Yes, she knows your BF better than you do and she has known him for longer. But, you see him daily/weekly. Sleep with him. Kiss him. Unless you are not giving him something emotionally he needs there is nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I just had therapy and after perseverating to my therapist about which holidays? How many texts? How long for phone calls? I got the courage to ask him to go no contact with her. If he says no, I'll have my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

As much as I agree that it can be problematic with the amount of contact he was having with her, I think it's equally problematic you telling him who can and cannot be friends with.

Maybe, instead of him having to go no contact, you ask to be introduced. If they're FaceTime movie watching (that's just weird in my opinion, but whatever), ask to join and be with him on the couch. Join in group texts. If either of them waffles at that, then you've got your problem. But start treating her like you would any other friend he has, and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I agree that it can be problematic with the amount of contact he was having with her, I think it's equally problematic you telling him who can and cannot be friends with.

Maybe, instead of him having to go no contact, you ask to be introduced. If they're FaceTime movie watching (that's just weird in my opinion, but whatever), ask to join and be with him on the couch. Join in group texts. If either of them waffles at that, then you've got your problem. But start treating her like you would any other friend he has, and see what happens.

It's a little complicated, but we sort of tried that. We were friends on social media and I talked to her sometimes, until she said that her boyfriend had issues with my boyfriend commenting on her social media posts, and defriended/blocked both of us. I don't even care about the social media aspect, but just the amount that they are texting. Before I said anything to him about it, it was constant, like almost daily. It was cut down but even then, who has a 3 hour phone call with a female friend, let alone an ex? Something isn't 100% kosher.