Did anyone have a deadbeat dad return when you're an adult?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how common this is but my father was never around when I was a child. He wasn't in jail or homeless or dealing with addiction issues, he just set up a different life in another state and never provided support, financial, emotional or otherwise. I saw him a handful of times and don't have any significant memories of him other than asking him for something once and, of course, him not delivering.

Now, I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely woman, in an good career and have two kids of my own. So, of course, he popped up a few months ago looking to establish a relationship with me and showing interest in his grandkids. He also revealed that I have two half siblings, neither of which he has/had a relationship with.

I don't feel any connection to him and, although I'm cordial, I have little interest in fostering a relationship. I'm not angry or resentful or bitter, jusr completely apathetic to him. My mother encourages me to try to build a relationship (maybe for the sake of my children) but I quite literally don't know this man and have no idea what kind of influence he'd be on his grandkids, if any.

Am I being unfair? I know I don't "owe" him anything, but do I? Should I be more open for the sake of my kids having a relationship with a grandad (DW's father is even more absent)? Has anyone else felt with something similar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how common this is but my father was never around when I was a child. He wasn't in jail or homeless or dealing with addiction issues, he just set up a different life in another state and never provided support, financial, emotional or otherwise. I saw him a handful of times and don't have any significant memories of him other than asking him for something once and, of course, him not delivering.

Now, I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely woman, in an good career and have two kids of my own. So, of course, he popped up a few months ago looking to establish a relationship with me and showing interest in his grandkids. He also revealed that I have two half siblings, neither of which he has/had a relationship with.

I don't feel any connection to him and, although I'm cordial, I have little interest in fostering a relationship. I'm not angry or resentful or bitter, jusr completely apathetic to him. My mother encourages me to try to build a relationship (maybe for the sake of my children) but I quite literally don't know this man and have no idea what kind of influence he'd be on his grandkids, if any.

Am I being unfair? I know I don't "owe" him anything, but do I? Should I be more open for the sake of my kids having a relationship with a grandad (DW's father is even more absent)? Has anyone else felt with something similar?

You aren't being unfair. You owe him nothing. Your apathy is normal in this situation. There are natural consequences to behavior, and your apathy towards him is a natural consequence for what he did. Don't give it a second though and move on.

[Anonymous]

Shaq

His bio Dad showed up when Shaq made it big. Shaq has not connection to the guy.

Shaq's step Dad is Shaq's Dad in Shaq's world.

[Anonymous]

The man deserted you when you were a child. You don't owe him anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how common this is but my father was never around when I was a child. He wasn't in jail or homeless or dealing with addiction issues, he just set up a different life in another state and never provided support, financial, emotional or otherwise. I saw him a handful of times and don't have any significant memories of him other than asking him for something once and, of course, him not delivering.

Now, I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely woman, in an good career and have two kids of my own. So, of course, he popped up a few months ago looking to establish a relationship with me and showing interest in his grandkids. He also revealed that I have two half siblings, neither of which he has/had a relationship with.

I don't feel any connection to him and, although I'm cordial, I have little interest in fostering a relationship. I'm not angry or resentful or bitter, jusr completely apathetic to him. My mother encourages me to try to build a relationship (maybe for the sake of my children) but I quite literally don't know this man and have no idea what kind of influence he'd be on his grandkids, if any.

Am I being unfair? I know I don't "owe" him anything, but do I? Should I be more open for the sake of my kids having a relationship with a grandad (DW's father is even more absent)? Has anyone else felt with something similar?

Similar situation to you, OP. My father is now dying (alone) and DH believes I should visit him, outside of the country, so that I don’t have “regrets.” It’s hard to explain the sense of apathy I have in a way that doesn’t sound cruel, but I think your feelings are normal as well. I don’t think I’m the one who has regrets or will have regrets. I don’t think you’ll have regrets for not fostering a relationship with him either.

[Anonymous]

You are free to do whatever you want. You owe him nothing. You might want a medical history, but that's up to you.

If he wasn't a good parent, then why expose your kids to him?

[Anonymous]

You're completely justified in the way you feel and want to proceed. The fact that he has no relationship with your half siblings either tells you everything you need to know about his character. He's probably getting older, feeling his mortality and is making a weak attempt to right prior wrongs. It's entirely up to you if you want to entertain a relationship with him now, but if it were me, I wouldn't, given his track record. He reaped what he sowed.

[Anonymous]

So now he's feeling his age, he wants to exploit any residual feelings of obligation his progeny might have, to ensure he doesn't die alone?

Well.

If I were you, I'd keep him at arms length.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t. He’s a stranger. He didn’t earn the right to be a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

No but I would give him a chance because my dad died before I ever got to meet him.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are natural. He’s the kind of person who would treat his children the way he treated you, and possibly your half-siblings. He doesn’t sound like a good person. You and your kids don’t need that in your life.


Just curious: did your bio-father give you any explanation for the way he treated you all these years, or for why he suddenly is interested in you now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t. He’s a stranger. He didn’t earn the right to be a grandparent.

+ 1. He’s basically a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

What kind of a relationship? Only if he is local, coffee for an hour once a month? Just the two of you. He has not earned the right to be in your kid's lives. Get to know the current him and watch for any bullish*t.

I would not get to know him online. Nothing but IRL

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would want my kids hanging out with some dude who abandoned me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bother personally.

My dad sounds somewhat similar, but worse. Always lived a few hours away but never GAF, was abusive to my mom. I have a lot of that side of the family on facebook (cousins, his sisters/my aunts, etc) who I have slightly more of a relationship with. Anyways, when I was 25 or so, getting engaged/buying a house/etc and posting on FB his gf reached out to me and started guilting me saying how much my dad wanted to see me, how hes not in good health etcetc. He had his own facebook account, but for some reason she's messaging me? Anyways, its been 10 years and he's still alive, still hasnt contacted me himself.

It worries me that he just recently told you he has other kids that he also doesnt have a relationship with. It sounds like he just dumps them when they no longer serve him. I would not expose my kids to that. He doesnt sound like any sort of positive influence. And you dont just get to abandon your kids and show up to play grandpa for some good feels. Foff.