Did anyone have a deadbeat dad return when you're an adult?

[Anonymous]

Do NOT allow that deadbeat in your life or around your children! You know why they come back? They're looking for money, a place to stay or an organ. He's of zero value to you and your children, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how common this is but my father was never around when I was a child. He wasn't in jail or homeless or dealing with addiction issues, he just set up a different life in another state and never provided support, financial, emotional or otherwise. I saw him a handful of times and don't have any significant memories of him other than asking him for something once and, of course, him not delivering.

Now, I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely woman, in an good career and have two kids of my own. So, of course, he popped up a few months ago looking to establish a relationship with me and showing interest in his grandkids. He also revealed that I have two half siblings, neither of which he has/had a relationship with.

I don't feel any connection to him and, although I'm cordial, I have little interest in fostering a relationship. I'm not angry or resentful or bitter, jusr completely apathetic to him. My mother encourages me to try to build a relationship (maybe for the sake of my children) but I quite literally don't know this man and have no idea what kind of influence he'd be on his grandkids, if any.

Am I being unfair? I know I don't "owe" him anything, but do I? Should I be more open for the sake of my kids having a relationship with a grandad (DW's father is even more absent)? Has anyone else felt with something similar?

You aren't being unfair. You owe him nothing. Your apathy is normal in this situation. There are natural consequences to behavior, and your apathy towards him is a natural consequence for what he did. Don't give it a second though and move on.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not engage. There are serious financial ramifications -- most states have fillal financial responsibility laws that place the cost of the care of adults with children on THEIR CHILDREN. Even in Virginia where I live, the law is basically the state expects me to kick in "reasonable expenses" based on the state's view of my own finances as a matter of law if my parent seeks Medicaid to pay for things like nursing homes. The only defense is that there's no relationship. The state reserves the right to garnish my wages or tax return if I refuse to reimburse it for the costs it is spending on Medicaid (if I refuse to pay outright before Medicaid kicks in).

[Anonymous]

You have no obligation.

Do what’s best for you- take a walk, talk to your spouse, pray on it, whatever your decision is will be the right one.

[Anonymous]

This person knows he has no obligation (duh)

The reason why the writer is crowd sourcing is because he is unsure, curious, intellectually and emotionally stimulated or stirred.

All the verbs/reactions are up to him. So many ways to explore this new life development.

* I’m using random gender. i don’t think it matters to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not engage. There are serious financial ramifications -- most states have fillal financial responsibility laws that place the cost of the care of adults with children on THEIR CHILDREN. Even in Virginia where I live, the law is basically the state expects me to kick in "reasonable expenses" based on the state's view of my own finances as a matter of law if my parent seeks Medicaid to pay for things like nursing homes. The only defense is that there's no relationship. The state reserves the right to garnish my wages or tax return if I refuse to reimburse it for the costs it is spending on Medicaid (if I refuse to pay outright before Medicaid kicks in).

This. Do not find yourself on the hook for a father who evaded taking care of you

[Anonymous]

If you were poor and struggling, you think he’d take the effort to find you? Hell no. He’s a mooching bum.

[Anonymous]

Nice of him to come back when he doesn’t have to take care of you anymore.

[Anonymous]

I think its like a project, or a goal, or a keep busy mind exercise to focus on you or reconciling. And that as soon as something were to stabilize, like lunch once a month, he would have excuses or reasons or use you as a platform for witnessing his messed up life. I think it's wise not to engage. Dad is a position earned through parenting and being responsible to your kids. He may be your biological father but certainly doesn't sound like he was your dad.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. First, I appreciate everyone's response. This was a pretty kind thread especially by DCUM standards.

Anyway, I spoke with my mom over the weekend and she mentioned that my father expressed frustration that I wasn't doing enough to rebuild the relationship and he's "done all he can and it's on me now." He's sent a few holiday gif text messages and that's about it. I told him I'd be "happy" to see him if he ever visits DC and I guess that isn't enough.

I'm still apathetic about the whole thing but that revealed more about his true character. I really couldn't do anything but laugh about it. I'm more bothered that my mom consistently encourages me to try to work towards a relationship with him (and my half siblings) but that's another issue entirely.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. … mom playing intermediary and expressing opinions on your potential relationship… mothers!

I am calling B.S. on “that revealed more about his true character“ statement. Don’t over read into things. Not everything is an indicator or indictment on “character.” If you do this, yea, it could get messy. Life is messy. Only you know how much you can handle (if you want to) and how.

[Anonymous]

Same poster as above. Some
people like performative or symbolic social event. Like lunch at a restaurant. Old
people can spend a whole month talking about that.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my father. His dad left the family and moved across the country. My grandmother was an immigrant so had no social support. Came back year’s later only to find out he then abandoned his new family to come back.
His sisters welcomed him back- my dad kept him at an arms distance.

[Anonymous]

You don't really know why he never reached out. The story is usually more complicated than that someone is just a deadbeat or a loser. Sometimes, but not always. Addiction isn't the only reason why people drift away.

Also, if you believe that people can change, or are redeemable, or deserve a second chance, then you might extend that idea to your father.

I would go into it with curiosity and openness to the situation, but with extremely low expectations to protect myself. There is no way that you are truly apathetic about this.

[Anonymous]

If this man dropped dead tomorrow, would you shed a tear? If the answer is no, don't give him another thought and move on.