Did anyone have a deadbeat dad return when you're an adult?

[Anonymous]

I would want to know why. Then just be cordial and tell him you are busy for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

You have younger half sibling who have NO relationship with your biological father either. Think about that. He is not a person you want in your life, he still is mean and selfish. Why would you want that around your kids? And when he declines in health? If you establish a relationship then you are going to be guilted into helping him.

[Anonymous]

You're totally fine.

Especially in regard to your kids; keep him away.

There's a part of me that might be curious for one or two conversations (outside of the house), but nothing beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how common this is but my father was never around when I was a child. He wasn't in jail or homeless or dealing with addiction issues, he just set up a different life in another state and never provided support, financial, emotional or otherwise. I saw him a handful of times and don't have any significant memories of him other than asking him for something once and, of course, him not delivering.

Now, I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely woman, in an good career and have two kids of my own. So, of course, he popped up a few months ago looking to establish a relationship with me and showing interest in his grandkids. He also revealed that I have two half siblings, neither of which he has/had a relationship with.

I don't feel any connection to him and, although I'm cordial, I have little interest in fostering a relationship. I'm not angry or resentful or bitter, jusr completely apathetic to him. My mother encourages me to try to build a relationship (maybe for the sake of my children) but I quite literally don't know this man and have no idea what kind of influence he'd be on his grandkids, if any.

Am I being unfair? I know I don't "owe" him anything, but do I? Should I be more open for the sake of my kids having a relationship with a grandad (DW's father is even more absent)? Has anyone else felt with something similar?

You aren't being unfair. You owe him nothing. Your apathy is normal in this situation. There are natural consequences to behavior, and your apathy towards him is a natural consequence for what he did. Don't give it a second though and move on.

Agree with above
Do not be surprised if a month from now he asks for money. Show him the door now.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is a piece of shit. Tell him to get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know why. Then just be cordial and tell him you are busy for the rest of your life.

I speak from experience, there is no why. Just a POS loser. Probably confronting his own mortality and trying to make amends or even more pathetic, wants to hit you up for money or other resources since he heard you’re doing well. If he heard you were a loser he wouldn’t reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is a piece of shit. Tell him to get lost.

+1 Completely estranged from all of his kids, and now wants to be grandpa? Nope. Protect your kids from being disappointed by this man like every other child in his life has been. The idea of introducing him as their only grandfather and then having the inevitable happen feels like very predictable bad parenting and your wife shouldn't be advocating for it.

[Anonymous]

I certainly wouldn't foster a relationship for the sake of your kids, especially given that you have no evidence that he would be a better grandfather than he was a father. There's always a chance that a relative will disappoint a child, but in this case it seems more likely than not.

[Anonymous]

I’d question this man’s motives.

[Anonymous]

This is all about him, not your father trying to repair his relationship with your to help you emotionally.

No need to make this part of your life. Your mom is probably dealing with issues, but you are a dad now and have other priorities like your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. For context from a child's perspective, my mom brought us to visit her own father, who had been a deadbeat her entire childhood, every Christmas until he died when I was 8. I didn't know the full story until I got older, of course, but I can't say that knowing him benefited me in any way.

It was a completely neutral experience for me and I wouldn't have missed anything if he hadn't been around. Just a thought if you consider building a relationship for your kids' sake. It would be mainly for yout father's benefit, and given his track record, your kids may have a neutral experience at best and a terrible one at worst.

My DH's bio father was also a deadbeat addict. We rarely hear from him now and we have no plans to bring him around my 2-year old son. My dad was there physically, but emotionally abusive which is another story, so we are also low contact even though he's fine with DS. It sucks, but it's important to protect your family first.

[Anonymous]

Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you should have a relationship with them. "Family" is more than genes.

[Anonymous]

Cons outweigh the pros, IMO.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my deadbeat dad his last decade of life because I had kids of my own and couldn’t fathom ever being such a scumbag to them. I felt absolutely nothing when I learned he died.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation - father was physically abusive, heroin addict, deadbeat. He left when I was 5. Many of my childhood friends weren't so lucky, their similar fathers stuck around and really f***ed up their families.

50 years later, I'm a professional earning a couple of hundred grand, married to a girl with beautiful eyes, and have 2 cute children.

I came to realize that no father is better than a bad father. Same is true for grandfathers.