How to talk to kid about first kiss/early physical contact

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old 6th grader who has expressed that he wants to kiss a girl he likes who has apparently expressed interest in him as well. We have had very open conversations over the years about sex and relationships, but they were always abstract to a certain extent because he was too young and not there yet. And now he’s there. I personally still think he is WAY too young but I also realize screaming that at him is not going to get me the result I want (which is for him to first learn how to consider when to get physical with someone and second wait awhile longer before doing this).

How did you talk to your kids about this issue once it became more real? Welcome any advice on rules you set, advice you gave, and any other recommendations on how to handle this stage with some tact and utility.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Rules?

[Anonymous]

If you’re really a 7th grader mom .. he could be my DD’s middle school BF. Both 12yo.

I had a first peck on the lips in 5th grade. I think that’s what you’re talking about right.

At 12, I think these kids may still be grossed out by open mouth kissing.

But watch out for hand stuff? Right?? (Ughhh)

I think it would be appropriate to teach these kids that nobody touches where the swimsuit covers. A rule that could keep things simple for a good while

[Anonymous]

Make sure you teach consent

[Anonymous]

I didn’t discuss kissing with my my kids or my mother. Kissing in middle school is normal. You hope for 7th grade but you get what you getmm

[Anonymous]

Me again. (PP). I recently re-read some books in my library on kids this age.

So much of boy-girl stuff at age 12 is social. It’s really about where they stand with their friends. They’re figuring out the first mysteries and reporting to their closest friends. So does he want to kiss her? Or is it the slowly solving a mystery. That’s ok too.

If his friends are stable kids, they won’t egg him on to try more stuff. Eventually when the friends start talking about advanced stuff… they’re all pulling each other along. So watch out then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re really a 7th grader mom .. he could be my DD’s middle school BF. Both 12yo.

I had a first peck on the lips in 5th grade. I think that’s what you’re talking about right.

At 12, I think these kids may still be grossed out by open mouth kissing.

But watch out for hand stuff? Right?? (Ughhh)

I think it would be appropriate to teach these kids that nobody touches where the swimsuit covers. A rule that could keep things simple for a good while

As a middle school teacher I can assure you they aren’t grossed out and many go very very fast

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

[Anonymous]

Key message:

Don’t do it in front of a group of kids and don’t let anyone video you. This is common. It’s a private thing between two people. Stress this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re really a 7th grader mom .. he could be my DD’s middle school BF. Both 12yo.

I had a first peck on the lips in 5th grade. I think that’s what you’re talking about right.

At 12, I think these kids may still be grossed out by open mouth kissing.

But watch out for hand stuff? Right?? (Ughhh)

I think it would be appropriate to teach these kids that nobody touches where the swimsuit covers. A rule that could keep things simple for a good while

As a middle school teacher I can assure you they aren’t grossed out and many go very very fast

Yes, truth. When my DD was in 8th grade (she's in 9th grade now), and her friends were mostly 13 yrs old, I heard about a couple of kids getting caught doing way more than open-mouth kissing in school stairways or in a bathroom. So most 7th graders probably know someone (and definitely know someone with an older sibling who's talking to them about sex) and it can go fast from "zero contact of any kind" through "first kisses & tentative touches" to... more.

So ask questions, be open, and as best you can try not to look horrified or freaked out but do express what you think. Like if you feel like he's moving too fast at some point, name that and explain why.

And yes to teaching about consent. And if you haven't already drilled this into his head, remind him again and again that NOTHING that is ever put on the internet EVER completely disappears or is deleted, no matter what anyone tells him. He shouldn't put anything online that he would be embarrassed to show his grandmother. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

[Anonymous]

As you did, I started talking to my kids way before they were ready to actually do anything, and consent was always part of the talk. What I told my son was that if he goes to do something and the person hesitates or pulls away or says stop, not only does he stop, but he stops completely for that day. Even if they say "it's okay now". Respect not just the words no/stop, but body language that says they are uncomfortable.

We also talked about not kissing and telling, and not filming anything, regardless of whether or not consent was given and that my children are not old enough to give consent to let anyone else film them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Ideally yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you teach consent

Absolutely, this is essential. Clear consent, not "assumed consent" or "implied consent".

So does this mean he is supposed to ask her if he may kiss her? Get her explicit permission for a kiss?

Ideally yes

Whomp whomp.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Can’t imagine my 12 year old even thinking that. How weird.