Loneliness when you come from dysfunctional family

[Anonymous]

My family is very messed up and not a source of love, support, or belonging for me. I'm not estranged, but they are not a source of support or community and never will be.

Sadly my spouse's family is similar. His extended family is better, and we tend to spend holidays with his family because when his cousins and aunts are around, it can feel like proper family. But his parents and siblings are, like mine, very dysfunctional and not loving or emotionally supportive.

What do other people who are in this situation do for community and support system? We have friends but it's not the same. I know church is the answer for many. We are not religious but I've looked hard into this anyway because I so need some kind of support system. But the only church that made sense given our lack of religion was UU, and the UU church where we live was not a good fit.

What else can we do? Hitting middle age and have a child. The loneliness and isolation is crushing. I think it's started to seriously impact my physical health.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I also come from extreme dysfunction. I focus on appreciating how fortunate I am to have a healthy marriage and good kids. I have friends and appreciate them.

What do you mean by support system if you say your friends are not what you consider a support system?

[Anonymous]

Similar issue here except my DH’s extended family (not MIL/FIL) is great so we focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I also come from extreme dysfunction. I focus on appreciating how fortunate I am to have a healthy marriage and good kids. I have friends and appreciate them.

What do you mean by support system if you say your friends are not what you consider a support system?

OP here. By support system, I mean the stuff I wish I could get from family: people who will emotionally support and cheerlead when you need it, who are physically present for big events and holidays, who know about the tough stuff in your life and are on your side, and who could help out in an emergency.

The issue with our friends is that all of them have families who are already like this. Don't get me wrong, I love our friends, and the are great friends. But their own support systems are elsewhere so we can't really create the kind of "family replacement" community with them that we feel we need. It will never be equal because we need them for this stuff much more than they need us. In order to preserve good dynamics with friends, we have to operate at the level of friendship they need, which is just a lower level than what we need.

I do really appreciate my marriage and my child, but perhaps this is a function of having just one kid -- it doesn't feel like enough. I worry about us just having each other. There are not enough of us.

[Anonymous]

OP, read the "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature People."

I think some of this is being your own self support system, some - pay attention to the positive, appreciate your spouse and support each other, some - do not assume things about your friends; some may appreciate a closer relationship; some people are just super busy with work and kids.

[Anonymous]

We are foreigners and have no close relatives within thousands of miles, OP. Also, my husband is asocial and unempathetic (ASD) and is not a source of much support, unless it's to call 911 if I'm very ill. Which he's done.

So what do I do? I take care of myself, my kids, and find and keep friends. I'm at the age where some of my friends need cancer treatment: I've driven two to appointments regularly. They've looked after my kids when I was sick, and my pets when I travel. We have lunch together, and go on walks.

You build a community where you are with what you have. For that, you need social skills.

[Anonymous]

I can certainly relate OP. We don’t have much extended family- and the family we do have lives across the country and we are in good terms but not super close. We see them about twice/yr.

More people are in this situation than you think..

For holidays, we create our own traditions. For some, we travel. Others, we do things like a nice brunch out etc.

We have not had any major emergencies (fortunately) but when the kids were small we had a couple of very trusted sitters (adults) who we could’ve called upon first. Otherwise, our friends. Now that the kids are older (tweens and a teen)- they can stay home alone or go to a friend’s house if needed. Otherwise, our friends. For anything extensive, we’d hire help.

We hire pet sitters etc when we travel.

We do have friends who would help out in a pinch (and we do the same) but generally everyone is busy…most rely on family (if they have it) or hired help.

[Anonymous]

I read your post and DH and I are in the same boat. If there's any positive here, it's that you have a great template for what not to do, so your DC never has to feel the same. (I am constantly reminding myself that it's a privilege to be my DD's mom so I don't repeat my fam's of origin's mistakes.)

Also, this might sound incredibly vapid, but make sure to exercise. The healthy endorphins scrub at the sadness. And consider throwing a party. It's a big pain in a$$ and you'll be happy for the quiet when it's over.

In short, there's no short-cut. You are in charge of making the series of small, positive actions to carve out the life you want. Therapy could def help.

Something that makes me feel better when the extended fam is especially rotten-- I remind myself their dysfunction isn't necessarily personal. They aren't built for providing love and emotional support. Going to them for either is like hiring a mechanic to paint your house. Results will vary.

Love and protect your inner eight-year-old the way they need to be loved. Only you know how. Sending you hope, love, and most of all, peace.

[Anonymous]

I became extremely independent.

If I need to talk to someone I use a therapist, even well meaning good friends are not good at this. Family, even close family, are not good at this.

I don’t need a large gathering to be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. By support system, I mean the stuff I wish I could get from family: people who will emotionally support and cheerlead when you need it, who are physically present for big events and holidays, who know about the tough stuff in your life and are on your side, and who could help out in an emergency.

The issue with our friends is that all of them have families who are already like this. Don't get me wrong, I love our friends, and the are great friends. But their own support systems are elsewhere so we can't really create the kind of "family replacement" community with them that we feel we need. It will never be equal because we need them for this stuff much more than they need us. In order to preserve good dynamics with friends, we have to operate at the level of friendship they need, which is just a lower level than what we need.

I do really appreciate my marriage and my child, but perhaps this is a function of having just one kid -- it doesn't feel like enough. I worry about us just having each other. There are not enough of us.

OP, I also grew up in a dysfunctional family, and this really touched me. I've never been able to put the feeling into words quite as eloquently as you have. I don't have much advice. I mainly focus on giving my kids the childhood and parental love i never had. I accept help from friends and neighbors when we need it. I go to therapy. I picture myself at an older age, hopefully surrounded by the family I've made. It helps, but nothing replaces the sense of longing and wondering what a functional family could be like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, read the "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature People."

I think some of this is being your own self support system, some - pay attention to the positive, appreciate your spouse and support each other, some - do not assume things about your friends; some may appreciate a closer relationship; some people are just super busy with work and kids.

Thanks, I have read it. I've done a lot to scaffold my own life and "be my own support system." But I also need people and community. I don't make assumptions about my friends. They are good people, they just are not in need of community in the same way I am because they are able to get it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes friends ARE family. I live across the country from my family and in our family the thinking is everyone takes care of themselves anyway, so I don't lean on anyone for support except myself. I have friends who I spend holidays with, or I skip the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Try a different church. Also, if there are elderly neighbors or friends in your area try leaning into them and give companionship in return for their support and sage advice. Holidays are hard. Keep positive, focus on your family and start or keep traditions that make you happy. You are not alone and I completely understand how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is very messed up and not a source of love, support, or belonging for me. I'm not estranged, but they are not a source of support or community and never will be.

Sadly my spouse's family is similar. His extended family is better, and we tend to spend holidays with his family because when his cousins and aunts are around, it can feel like proper family. But his parents and siblings are, like mine, very dysfunctional and not loving or emotionally supportive.

What do other people who are in this situation do for community and support system? We have friends but it's not the same. I know church is the answer for many. We are not religious but I've looked hard into this anyway because I so need some kind of support system. But the only church that made sense given our lack of religion was UU, and the UU church where we live was not a good fit.

What else can we do? Hitting middle age and have a child. The loneliness and isolation is crushing. I think it's started to seriously impact my physical health.

Wow, OP. I could have written this. I have an 8 year old and DH and I are in this same situation. We purposely enrolled DD in a preschool-8th grade school so she would be surrounded by a big community who would know her for a long time. We live near friends from graduate school, and we do spend part of a few holidays with them. But I'll be honest- and you said it better- we're always a level down in friendship with them from where we wish we could be or what would fill us up. We go to their houses for Thanksgiving or Christmas Day evening and they have their parents and siblings there and then we roll in. As they've accumulated more babies in their families, we've felt more and more like the 3rd wheel family. One year we were uninvited after years of celebrating together because there wasn't going to be enough room- that embarrassed me and I still wonder if I was supposed to read between the lines and uninvite myself years earlier.

We were startled that as everyone started having children, some extended families rallied and overcame their dysfunction and became quite close and supportive of their adult children/our friends. It was hard to lose decades-long traditions of shared Thanksgivings and other holidays and realize we were...less chosen. It hurt. It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand. My MIL delayed visits to us for years because my SIL was hospitalized repeatedly for mental illness, and an acquaintance tried to commiserate by complaining that her mom was cutting back on her babysitting for them to 1x/week.

I have stopped trying to find one solution or one community to fill my need for support and love and take little pieces from many of my worlds. In the summer, we have our swim club friends. In the winter, we have our ski community. During the school year, my DD is known and loved by her school community. I have support in DD's teammates' moms from her very intense sports team. I have support from DCUM, sad but true.

Pretending I felt ok about having a different kind of family made it worse. I now say out loud that it hurts or that I feel left out (within our little family). Being honest to myself and to DD about our situation was the thing that truly helped- if she says "I feel jealous that X's family is so big and they have such a huge Thanksgiving dinner", I say "I do too, sometimes it is hard because we can't just make our family bigger." And then we proactively choose something that we are looking forward to instead of the big Thanksgiving dinner- last year it was baking and building a massive gingerbread neighborhood. We also make a big deal out of holidays that are not popular where we live so we can "own" them- an example is a cultural holiday that we make super special for kids and invite lots of DD's friends over to celebrate with us. We keep it a kid thing and don't invite their adults so it doesn't hurt when it's not reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

"It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand."

PP, thank you so much for writing this. I had this experience in the past year with two people, both of whom I thought were close friends. They're great people, but their lives are such that they fundamentally cannot understand my family's level of dysfunction. When I realized that, I was crushed. It still feels so achingly lonely when I think about it.

I do have friends who get that aspect of my life and for them, I am profoundly grateful. Even though their families as a whole can't provide the closeness I would love for my family (DH and kids), that they understand, profoundly, what it's like keeps me going. It's especially hard in some ways because my family is local; people assume they're helpful when they hear that.