Blended families - how close are the parents/stepparents?

[Anonymous]

If you have a blended family, both remarried with additional children, how blended are you with the other parent and their family? Do you hang out together for fun? Do dinners? Joint holidays? Birthday parties for the child involved? Does it differ if one parent is single vs. remarried? I know there is no such thing as normal or abnormal. I am curious about others’ experiences as this is new for us.

[Anonymous]

Not sure which person you are or who you are asking about? My brother and his wife are a blended family - they each have two kids from their prior relationships. They all live together - my brother, his wife, both sets of kids. Obviously they act as a family. Are you asking if their exes attend birthday parties?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should be more clear. I am stepmom, married to dad. He and his ex have a child. She is remarried and they have children, as do we. I am wondering, for others in a similar situation, how close each “family unit” is. I.e., do both family units hang together? Do holidays? Do mom and stepmom or dad and stepdad have their own relationships? Does this differ if one bio parent is single? Hope that clarifies.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I are each on our second marriage, and each brought children into said marriage. Neither of our exes have remarried or had additional children.

We do not invite our exes on vacations or to holiday dinners. We do invite them to kids birthday parties and kids events. One ex shows up to every single thing they are invited to, and one shows up to 10-20% of what they are invited to.

My ex husband and husband have had beers together twice. They both took all the kids to a baseball game together once. They get along just fine, but aren't texting each other on the regular.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends but the most important thing is to discuss up front - what is required? Trips? Parties? sunday brunch? Coordination of vacations and holidays? Talk talk talk about everyone's expectations.

[Anonymous]

It really just depends. Personally, as an ACOD with steps on both sides, I prefer less contact. If they're in the same place it's very fake. I appreciate that they can maintain basic courtesy, but I know that after any event I'll have to listen to my dad and his wife talk about my mom's infidelity and her loser AP. And I'll have to listen to my mom's thirsty "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it was soooo NICE!" and if I don't validate it, she gets annoyed at me. It's all really fake.

When considering this stuff, I suggest you ask yourself who it's truly for. If the kids actually want it, okay. But if it's a show you're putting on to convince yourselves or the neighbors that your family is more functional than it actually is, don't. It's embarrassing and fake and burdensome to the children.

[Anonymous]

My dd was on a team one year with a girl whose parents were divorced and mom was remarried. Mom and stepdad had another (much younger) daughter. Mom and dad were two of the coaches and got along swimmingly. Stepdad and dad were always chatty before and after games and at halftime. Little sister was always going up to her big sister’s dad for a hug or a high five (remember, no biological relation). It all seemed very healthy and mature (at least from the outside).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really just depends. Personally, as an ACOD with steps on both sides, I prefer less contact. If they're in the same place it's very fake. I appreciate that they can maintain basic courtesy, but I know that after any event I'll have to listen to my dad and his wife talk about my mom's infidelity and her loser AP. And I'll have to listen to my mom's thirsty "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it was soooo NICE!" and if I don't validate it, she gets annoyed at me. It's all really fake.

When considering this stuff, I suggest you ask yourself who it's truly for. If the kids actually want it, okay. But if it's a show you're putting on to convince yourselves or the neighbors that your family is more functional than it actually is, don't. It's embarrassing and fake and burdensome to the children.

OP here. This is really helpful and I often wonder about the fakeness. I know DH and I are genuine, plus all of the kids truly adore each other, so it works easily on that front. I am still getting to know bio mom and stepdad, but both appear very likable and, as humans, I could see them as our friends. We’ve even done an event or two without the kids (not double dates, but like game nights, adult events with a large group). The other side of me wonders if they just talk crap about us after being together and are just faking it 😂 like I said, it’s all new, and we’ll obviously do what’s best for our own situation. Just curious about others’ experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd was on a team one year with a girl whose parents were divorced and mom was remarried. Mom and stepdad had another (much younger) daughter. Mom and dad were two of the coaches and got along swimmingly. Stepdad and dad were always chatty before and after games and at halftime. Little sister was always going up to her big sister’s dad for a hug or a high five (remember, no biological relation). It all seemed very healthy and mature (at least from the outside).

OP here. Thanks for sharing! I wonder how thin the line is between healthy and mature and too much involvement. Guess it depends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really just depends. Personally, as an ACOD with steps on both sides, I prefer less contact. If they're in the same place it's very fake. I appreciate that they can maintain basic courtesy, but I know that after any event I'll have to listen to my dad and his wife talk about my mom's infidelity and her loser AP. And I'll have to listen to my mom's thirsty "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it was soooo NICE!" and if I don't validate it, she gets annoyed at me. It's all really fake.

When considering this stuff, I suggest you ask yourself who it's truly for. If the kids actually want it, okay. But if it's a show you're putting on to convince yourselves or the neighbors that your family is more functional than it actually is, don't. It's embarrassing and fake and burdensome to the children.

OP here. This is really helpful and I often wonder about the fakeness. I know DH and I are genuine, plus all of the kids truly adore each other, so it works easily on that front. I am still getting to know bio mom and stepdad, but both appear very likable and, as humans, I could see them as our friends. We’ve even done an event or two without the kids (not double dates, but like game nights, adult events with a large group). The other side of me wonders if they just talk crap about us after being together and are just faking it 😂 like I said, it’s all new, and we’ll obviously do what’s best for our own situation. Just curious about others’ experiences.

In my experience it's more like a professional co-worker relationship, and it's for the best that way. When kids are little and have little-kid problems, it may seem easy enough, but you're going to be raising (and paying for) teenagers together, and might have some major disagreements. But if you've set a precedent of lots of friendly social time, the kids will notice when there's tension. If it's a little more professional and impersonal, then that will be easier to maintain when you hit a rough patch. And PS the kids might not always get along as well as they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really just depends. Personally, as an ACOD with steps on both sides, I prefer less contact. If they're in the same place it's very fake. I appreciate that they can maintain basic courtesy, but I know that after any event I'll have to listen to my dad and his wife talk about my mom's infidelity and her loser AP. And I'll have to listen to my mom's thirsty "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it was soooo NICE!" and if I don't validate it, she gets annoyed at me. It's all really fake.

When considering this stuff, I suggest you ask yourself who it's truly for. If the kids actually want it, okay. But if it's a show you're putting on to convince yourselves or the neighbors that your family is more functional than it actually is, don't. It's embarrassing and fake and burdensome to the children.

OP here. This is really helpful and I often wonder about the fakeness. I know DH and I are genuine, plus all of the kids truly adore each other, so it works easily on that front. I am still getting to know bio mom and stepdad, but both appear very likable and, as humans, I could see them as our friends. We’ve even done an event or two without the kids (not double dates, but like game nights, adult events with a large group). The other side of me wonders if they just talk crap about us after being together and are just faking it 😂 like I said, it’s all new, and we’ll obviously do what’s best for our own situation. Just curious about others’ experiences.

In my experience it's more like a professional co-worker relationship, and it's for the best that way. When kids are little and have little-kid problems, it may seem easy enough, but you're going to be raising (and paying for) teenagers together, and might have some major disagreements. But if you've set a precedent of lots of friendly social time, the kids will notice when there's tension. If it's a little more professional and impersonal, then that will be easier to maintain when you hit a rough patch. And PS the kids might not always get along as well as they do.

You make a great point! Thanks

[Anonymous]

If the child of divorce is older than your bio kids, OP, the best thing you can do is learn about age-appropriate behavior and parenting. So many stepmothers make the mistake of getting judgey and blamey and resentful about what is really just normal teen behavior. The substance of your parenting ability is far more important than whether you spend time together socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the child of divorce is older than your bio kids, OP, the best thing you can do is learn about age-appropriate behavior and parenting. So many stepmothers make the mistake of getting judgey and blamey and resentful about what is really just normal teen behavior. The substance of your parenting ability is far more important than whether you spend time together socially.

This has nothing to do with OP’s post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the child of divorce is older than your bio kids, OP, the best thing you can do is learn about age-appropriate behavior and parenting. So many stepmothers make the mistake of getting judgey and blamey and resentful about what is really just normal teen behavior. The substance of your parenting ability is far more important than whether you spend time together socially.

This has nothing to do with OP’s post.

The OP is focusing on something that doesn't really matter. That's what it has to do with OP's post.

OP, also consider that the children may know (or believe) a different account of the divorce, and that theirs may be more accurate than what you think you know. If spending time together feels good to you, great, but consider that the children may be working hard to conceal the discomfort that they feel. They don't really have a choice in whether it occurs, and their true feelings may not be permitted by their parents.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it just depends on the personalities of all involved, and on the circumstances of the divorce. It seems like if it was one of those “we just fell out of love” divorces this would be likely to happen.

This is not how it was for our family. My mom is extremely combative. Once we tried to have a Christmas with my stepmom and it was horrible. My mom screamed in my stepmoms face about how unfair it was that my stepmom had a way nicer house than my mom ever had. 😬

We switched off holidays after that. Weddings and graduations have been cordial because there is limited time together.