Blended families - how close are the parents/stepparents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it just depends on the personalities of all involved, and on the circumstances of the divorce. It seems like if it was one of those “we just fell out of love” divorces this would be likely to happen.

This is not how it was for our family. My mom is extremely combative. Once we tried to have a Christmas with my stepmom and it was horrible. My mom screamed in my stepmoms face about how unfair it was that my stepmom had a way nicer house than my mom ever had. 😬

We switched off holidays after that. Weddings and graduations have been cordial because there is limited time together.

OP here. Oh wow!!! That sounds very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable for the kid, having been in that situation. Which parent are you talking to more? And if you’re at someone’s house, worrying that other parent is judging what’s in the house. Sooo awkward for kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the child of divorce is older than your bio kids, OP, the best thing you can do is learn about age-appropriate behavior and parenting. So many stepmothers make the mistake of getting judgey and blamey and resentful about what is really just normal teen behavior. The substance of your parenting ability is far more important than whether you spend time together socially.

This has nothing to do with OP’s post.

The OP is focusing on something that doesn't really matter. That's what it has to do with OP's post.

OP, also consider that the children may know (or believe) a different account of the divorce, and that theirs may be more accurate than what you think you know. If spending time together feels good to you, great, but consider that the children may be working hard to conceal the discomfort that they feel. They don't really have a choice in whether it occurs, and their true feelings may not be permitted by their parents.

OP here. I appreciate these thoughts but they don’t really align to our specific situation. DH and I have been married for 12 years. Bio mom and her DH, probably 9 years. My stepchild was a baby when their parents split, so the child unfortunately doesn’t know a life of their bio parents together. It’s always been mom and stepdad and dad and stepmom, plus multiple siblings on both sides. The first few years were tough, bio mom and DH were young and could not coparent very effectively. It’s taken them a long time to become on better terms. Since they’ve started communicating well, guess it turns out they really do like each other as humans! Lol. Fast forward to now, we all get along well and have started doing joint activities and events. Stepchild is seeming to enjoy it, which is all that matters. The point of my post was to see if others have such a close relationship with their coparent and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable for the kid, having been in that situation. Which parent are you talking to more? And if you’re at someone’s house, worrying that other parent is judging what’s in the house. Sooo awkward for kid.

OP here. I have thought about that, which is why I initially thought public events would be best, but I also wondered if I was overthinking it

[Anonymous]

Blended family here. Both bioparents remarried and had one or more kids. One of the bioparents is quite toxic and their new spouse is a doormat. Our solution is to have polite interactions with them, but we would never socialize with them outside of seeing them at the kid's sporting or school event. We compensate for their poor parenting in so many ways. We view them at best as a nuisance we have to manage for the benefit of the kid, which is what we've always done and always will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable for the kid, having been in that situation. Which parent are you talking to more? And if you’re at someone’s house, worrying that other parent is judging what’s in the house. Sooo awkward for kid.

OP here. I have thought about that, which is why I initially thought public events would be best, but I also wondered if I was overthinking it

You're not overthinking it. These things require a lot of thinking. And you must always be alert to the possibility that the blend-child doesn't feel comfortable but is trying to conceal it because they're not allowed to express how they really feel (or that to do so would mean having to go to therapy).

Sometimes the adults like to pretend to themselves that their family is sooooooo functional, and the children are just props.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it depends but the most important thing is to discuss up front - what is required? Trips? Parties? sunday brunch? Coordination of vacations and holidays? Talk talk talk about everyone's expectations.

Wtf. With the ex? No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should be more clear. I am stepmom, married to dad. He and his ex have a child. She is remarried and they have children, as do we. I am wondering, for others in a similar situation, how close each “family unit” is. I.e., do both family units hang together? Do holidays? Do mom and stepmom or dad and stepdad have their own relationships? Does this differ if one bio parent is single? Hope that clarifies.

I have been in several relationships with divorced dads and I have to say I think what you are suggesting is rare and usually doesn’t work well. Typically I think the units stay separate and the ex and the new partner are cordial but don’t communicate or see each other much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should be more clear. I am stepmom, married to dad. He and his ex have a child. She is remarried and they have children, as do we. I am wondering, for others in a similar situation, how close each “family unit” is. I.e., do both family units hang together? Do holidays? Do mom and stepmom or dad and stepdad have their own relationships? Does this differ if one bio parent is single? Hope that clarifies.

I have been in several relationships with divorced dads and I have to say I think what you are suggesting is rare and usually doesn’t work well. Typically I think the units stay separate and the ex and the new partner are cordial but don’t communicate or see each other much.

Oh I meant to add that I think you may have this idea because tv shows and movies make it look like this but I think that’s just to create drama and intrigue. Really you don’t need to see each other hardly ever except maybe at graduations and weddings.