Executor for parent’s will

[Anonymous]

Over the holidays my FIL asked my DH to be the executor of their will because he’s the oldest and gets along with his siblings the best. I’m skeptical that my DH should be the person executing (we live across the country, his family has some tense relationships, and those might get testier when sad about the death of parents). When I met with an attorney to plan our wills when I was pregnant I was told that we should pick someone who wasn’t a beneficiary to be the executor, so there’s that factor too. I told my DH his dad should ask a friend, but his dad is pretty isolated. His sad said his mom doesn’t want to talk about wills or beneficiaries or executors so asking her to ask a friend wouldn’t work. My DH has concerns, but doesn’t want to leave his parents in the lurch. What should we / he be considering? What does being an executor entail (like would he have to manage selling the house)? Is there a polite way to decline?

[Anonymous]

Being an executor requires a great deal of time and effort.

DH can definitely decline, and given the geographic difficulty probably should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the holidays my FIL asked my DH to be the executor of their will because he’s the oldest and gets along with his siblings the best. I’m skeptical that my DH should be the person executing (we live across the country, his family has some tense relationships, and those might get testier when sad about the death of parents). When I met with an attorney to plan our wills when I was pregnant I was told that we should pick someone who wasn’t a beneficiary to be the executor, so there’s that factor too. I told my DH his dad should ask a friend, but his dad is pretty isolated. His sad said his mom doesn’t want to talk about wills or beneficiaries or executors so asking her to ask a friend wouldn’t work. My DH has concerns, but doesn’t want to leave his parents in the lurch. What should we / he be considering? What does being an executor entail (like would he have to manage selling the house)? Is there a polite way to decline?

"pick someone who wasn’t a beneficiary to be the executor, "
FWIW, this is a common ploy for the person to then say, "oh, like you/your law office." This makes a lot of money for the lawyer's office (billing hourly, potentially taking a cut etc.)
Also, depending on the state and way things are put together, the house in particular may transfer outside of the estate. My siblings and I (and their spouses) all had to sign the sale document; did not have anything to do with the estate.

It is a lot of paper-chasing, in my experience. and a PIA, but it is important.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this is between your DH and his dad so I'd butt out if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Is the Father in VA?

Virginia has some unique laws where the executor needs to be a Virginia resident. Other states might have similar requirements.

Fwiw my parents named me executor because they don't trust my brother. I don't want to do it because my brother is an ahole and will likely sue me / their estate. Apparently there isn't anyone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents just died and their will is being gone over. BOTH of their very close friends (not related to each other) immediately declined to be executors. One had just had a heart attack and the other declined because he thought he didn't have enough strength. It's kind of a mess because every single heir (5 kids plus a lot of grandkids) had to notarize a paper stating they agreed to dissolve that and appoint a new executor. So there's that. It's been 2 months already and they're still nagging my cousins to get stuff notarized.

I would at the very least have someone in the family agree to be the 2nd executor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the Father in VA?

Virginia has some unique laws where the executor needs to be a Virginia resident. Other states might have similar requirements.

Fwiw my parents named me executor because they don't trust my brother. I don't want to do it because my brother is an ahole and will likely sue me / their estate. Apparently there isn't anyone else to do it.

Woah, really? DH and I don't have any family in VA and I wouldn't want to ask one of our relatively new friends to be an executor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the Father in VA?

Virginia has some unique laws where the executor needs to be a Virginia resident. Other states might have similar requirements.

Fwiw my parents named me executor because they don't trust my brother. I don't want to do it because my brother is an ahole and will likely sue me / their estate. Apparently there isn't anyone else to do it.

Woah, really? DH and I don't have any family in VA and I wouldn't want to ask one of our relatively new friends to be an executor.

You can have a non-resident as executor, but the estate must have a virginia resident agent.

That said, it is a complete and utter pain in the butt to administer an estate even from a different area within virginia, I would never want to deal with handling an out of state estate unless I was forced to.

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of an executor that’s not a child except for the very wealthy or someone who didn’t have children.

[Anonymous]

DH can always decline -when it comes time-
not ideal, but he can

It's extremely common for the executor to be one of the children. Extremely common that they are also one of the beneficiary.

One issue: depending on state law, usually the Executor is entitled to 10% of the value of the estate for his duties (like pay .. an additional payment for their time) Often Executors don't take this fee because family members wouldn't understand. It goes a long way towards harmony to not take it. But btw he would likely be entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to ride on OP's coattails...but decades ago my brother asked me to be executor. At the time I made sense (I was the one without kids, lived nearby, considered trustworthy). Well, since then, I had a kid, and moved six hours away. Importantly, he/his wife NEVER cooperated with my requests to provide me with even basic information (name of their lawyer, name of their banks, location of will/mortgages, house key, etc). The latter always really annoyed me, since I am responsible.

Anyway, last year my brother died, and I guess everything passed to his wife. (Whew). But I fear I am still executor. I want NOTHING to do with that job. But know no one else in my family probably does either.

I feel guilty telling my SIL NO, but now that my brother is gone, don't feel AS guilty. She is very close to other older women in her building. Plus, she has still NEVER told me squat about the details I would need to take action. She is in her 70's and not super well (though no serious diagnosis). Please send advice/suggestions. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

^^PP here.

OMG, I did not mean "Whew" about my brother dying!!

I only meant I was glad at that time that no executor duties kicked in.

[Anonymous]

I was the executor for my dad’s will. I lived local (to him) and that made the process more convenient. Honestly, i would recommend a local organized, family member. Perhaps another sibling? Basically, you run around with death certificates to all the banks, open up an estate account, move the money and then disperse. Do you also have a house and car to sell? Traveling to do all this is a lot.

[Anonymous]

So we are 7 years into my sibling being unable to move forward on our parent's will. Has torn all the siblings apart.

Unless your DH is down with that just make it a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being an executor requires a great deal of time and effort.

DH can definitely decline, and given the geographic difficulty probably should.

How time consuming depends on how complicated the estate is. I was the executor for my parents will and it was extremely simple so it did not take much effort. However, because I was out of state the lawyer had to do a few things at the courthouse- mainly change the ownership of the house my sister and I.