Dating after major weight loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

It’s fascinating that you write as if the two are mutually exclusive rather than crucially interrelated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

It’s fascinating that you write as if the two are mutually exclusive rather than crucially interrelated.

(… which is a perfect example of patriarchal brainwashing, folks. Want to feel good about yourself and your body as you are? Well - don’t expect to attract a man then!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some men do care.

Some men are jackasses. And others are Incels.

Apparently any man who has any opinion about any women is an incel.

- Your neighborhood incel

I mean, yeah, kinda. Men thinking they have the right to an opinion about other people's bodies are definitely on the incel spectrum.

Lmao. That word has lost all meaning for stupid people with limited vocabulary.

There is no spectrum.

You don't just wake up one morning and decide you're an incel. It's a slide that starts with entitlement and ends with the violent expression of same. Feeling like you're "owed" a "hot girlfriend" or some fsck. So yes, there is a spectrum, and it starts with men feeling entitled to commentary about other people, like the exist for your evaluation/judgment and pleasure. They don't, and if you don't understand that, you're step one down an incel path.

A man can go on whatever path of things you don’t approve of, and if he’s regularly having sex with parter(s) he desires, he’s not a incel. Did you recently learn English or how not read much and just repeat what you hear?

And when he whines about not getting laid every day? Insult me all you like; it's comedy from someone so dim/deliberately obtuse.

You’re doing the wine mom version of the business bro who learns a new term and then applies it to everything. What you are describing has nothing to do with being an incel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how did you lose the 140 pounds? That’s an amazing achievement. I come from a family of yo-yo dieters. My mom went up and down 60 or so lbs every few years. My brother and l inherited this. It sucks. I have lost and regained weight many times myself with no medication, and I’m on the high side now with about 80 lbs to lose. It’s daunting.

The reason l ask is because how you lost the weight impacts the likelihood of you gaining it back. Most people who lose it like l have just gain it back. So l know never to get rid of my fat clothes after l lose weight. It’s so depressing. I asked my doctor about weight loss drugs and she’s one of the doctors that says it needs to be saved for people with diabetes since there’s a shortage. I’m thinking how am l not at risk for diabetes at 80 lbs overweight? And swinging weight up and down so many times surely has some health consequences.

I think you owe it to people you’re dating to be honest that you’ve lost a lot of weigh, even if they can’t see it. I would think long and hard about having kids with someone like me who cannot keep the weight off. It’s a serious issue and people have the right to know what they’re getting into.

Im 10:58, come from high dysfunctional family with a lot of childhood trauma and mother who is borderline with yo yo eating herself, I cycled between 700cal and 5000 cal months, age 16 went from 140 to 250 pounds hence where my loose skin came from, 20s started therapy, cycled 140-180, so still yo yo but not that extreme, since 30s have maintained 130-150, and after kids in my now 40s have managed to be 130 for over 8 years, therapy, reading books on emotional/binge eating and working on myself totally worked, change can happen! PS I totally do not judge people who still struggle or who are on glps. I am just saying believe in yourself, you CAN be your potential...it’s not impossible.

Oh man, I’m the poster you replied to. I’m crying now. Good for you. I cannot see myself losing the weight again, it’s just too much. Hopefully some day l can make myself try again.

NP. Jesus, stop crying and either have gastric bypass surgery or find a new doctor. Your doc is an extreme outlier. My doc fought and won insurance coverage of Wegovy for me because I have back problems and losing any amount of excess weight (about 30 pounds in my case) could help with that. Sorry for the tough love, but with all the options available and all the science backing weight loss surgery as having the best chance of long-term success, why are you hemming and hawing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

It’s fascinating that you write as if the two are mutually exclusive rather than crucially interrelated.

exhibit A: pollyanna

[Anonymous]

It isn’t just appearance, it is about what is going on mentally with you. Just like I would be reluctant to date a recovered alcoholic or drug abuser, I would be very reluctant to date someone that had been 140 lbs overweight or is/was continuously losing/gaining large amounts of weight in cycles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just appearance, it is about what is going on mentally with you. Just like I would be reluctant to date a recovered alcoholic or drug abuser, I would be very reluctant to date someone that had been 140 lbs overweight or is/was continuously losing/gaining large amounts of weight in cycles.

Sure - yet we all have our own journeys. People are made for love and connections. You may not be the right person for someone whose journey has included addiction and recovery - but obviously there are people who are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t just appearance, it is about what is going on mentally with you. Just like I would be reluctant to date a recovered alcoholic or drug abuser, I would be very reluctant to date someone that had been 140 lbs overweight or is/was continuously losing/gaining large amounts of weight in cycles.

Sure - yet we all have our own journeys. People are made for love and connections. You may not be the right person for someone whose journey has included addiction and recovery - but obviously there are people who are.

True. But OP said she is weary of confiding she has lost this much weight- and with good reason. That alone may be a deal breaker for some for the reasons I stated. But it won’t be for everyone and there is likely someone out there she will be compatible with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

It’s fascinating that you write as if the two are mutually exclusive rather than crucially interrelated.

exhibit A: pollyanna

I’m smiling because you’re responding me to - a 50 yo DW who has quite a bit of lived experience all around - including weight gain loss, stretch marks, “imperfections,” love affairs, pure sex affairs, solid platonic relationships - and I am very excited about my life and future and continued love and pleasure with men. So if I seem naive to you about self love and acceptance and human connection - dear random internet person - I know that my well-lived life has not jaded me and has made me more open to its beauty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

The loose skin, saggy (and uneven) boobs, and stretchmarks predate the marriage, but stay stuck in your sadness/mopey mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some men do care.

Some men are jackasses. And others are Incels.

Apparently any man who has any opinion about any women is an incel.

- Your neighborhood incel

I mean, yeah, kinda. Men thinking they have the right to an opinion about other people's bodies are definitely on the incel spectrum.

Lmao. That word has lost all meaning for stupid people with limited vocabulary.

There is no spectrum.

You don't just wake up one morning and decide you're an incel. It's a slide that starts with entitlement and ends with the violent expression of same. Feeling like you're "owed" a "hot girlfriend" or some fsck. So yes, there is a spectrum, and it starts with men feeling entitled to commentary about other people, like the exist for your evaluation/judgment and pleasure. They don't, and if you don't understand that, you're step one down an incel path.

A man can go on whatever path of things you don’t approve of, and if he’s regularly having sex with parter(s) he desires, he’s not a incel. Did you recently learn English or how not read much and just repeat what you hear?

And when he whines about not getting laid every day? Insult me all you like; it's comedy from someone so dim/deliberately obtuse.

You’re doing the wine mom version of the business bro who learns a new term and then applies it to everything. What you are describing has nothing to do with being an incel.

Hilarious. incel = involuntarily celibate. Yes, for a lot of them, this is a long-term condition (deservedly), but there are men on this board who act like they're entitled to/owed sex every day, and that's incel behavior, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men do care.

Then she shouldn't date them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some men do care.

Some men are jackasses. And others are Incels.

Apparently any man who has any opinion about any women is an incel.

- Your neighborhood incel

I mean, yeah, kinda. Men thinking they have the right to an opinion about other people's bodies are definitely on the incel spectrum.

Lmao. That word has lost all meaning for stupid people with limited vocabulary.

There is no spectrum.

You don't just wake up one morning and decide you're an incel. It's a slide that starts with entitlement and ends with the violent expression of same. Feeling like you're "owed" a "hot girlfriend" or some fsck. So yes, there is a spectrum, and it starts with men feeling entitled to commentary about other people, like the exist for your evaluation/judgment and pleasure. They don't, and if you don't understand that, you're step one down an incel path.

A man can go on whatever path of things you don’t approve of, and if he’s regularly having sex with parter(s) he desires, he’s not a incel. Did you recently learn English or how not read much and just repeat what you hear?

And when he whines about not getting laid every day? Insult me all you like; it's comedy from someone so dim/deliberately obtuse.

You’re doing the wine mom version of the business bro who learns a new term and then applies it to everything. What you are describing has nothing to do with being an incel.

Hilarious. incel = involuntarily celibate. Yes, for a lot of them, this is a long-term condition (deservedly), but there are men on this board who act like they're entitled to/owed sex every day, and that's incel behavior, too.

Ok, so you are doing the thing where everything is now called gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5, single, and recently lost 140lbs. I have stretch marks - started during puberty but had more with weight gain - on most areas of my body. I have loose skin - looking into getting skin removal surgery. I’m ready to get out there and date after being single for many years, but I’m very self- conscious about the stretch marks and my loose skin. I don’t like wearing certain clothes because of it. I’m also weary of having to tell someone I lost that much weight. How do I get over this because I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

If you're not comfortable in/with your skin, you can't expect others to be. If it bothers you this much, you'll project that insecurity into any relationship.

The problem isn't that you have a normal body. The problem is that you don't value and respect your own body and what it has been through and done for you. You will attract "partners" who validate your insecurities.

Date yourself. Love yourself. If you decide you want surgery, okay. But the posters suggesting you should take on debt to change your appearance have it all backwards. You might hate those scars, too. Surgery as a solution tends to snowball into more body loathing, more critiques, more surgery...

You don't have to be a flawless object to be worthy of love, respect and good care. A "high caliber" partner would also see it that way, and value your body for the fact that it holds the rest of what makes you who you are.

If you want someone who's interested purely in your body, follow the other advice. If you want to date for a relationship, work on your relationship with yourself so your standards are properly calibrated first.

🙄 Spoken like someone who's never lost 140 pounds.

Babe, I've lost 100, gained most of it back, lost 40 and counting again, had two kids (nursed both), and have had stretch marks the width of my pinkie since I was a teen because I have EDS. So if you want to hate your body, go on ahead with that. But it's optional, and doing the psychological work is part of losing dead weight.

Yes but she's not asking how to feel good about herself. She's asking how to attract a man. It's a lot easier to say "love your imperfectiins!" when you've already locked down a husband and had his children.

The loose skin, saggy (and uneven) boobs, and stretchmarks predate the marriage, but stay stuck in your sadness/mopey mentality.

meaning?