If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. We had a golden child and the scapegoat. I think a lot of scapegoats don’t realize that sometimes it really is something they’re doing. My sibling was an incredibly hard child to raise- wild, didn’t follow rules, they slept little, never did chores. It actually made me into the golden child. It was no fun being the golden child. I have a lot of anxiety and never felt like I could let me parents down. I was always performing and had to be perfect. My parents often cried about my sibling and I had to pickup the slack. I didn’t get much attention. Oh and I had to do all their chores which I’m still bitter about.

I wonder sometimes if my sibling had been more easy going if my life would have been easier too. As it stands I’m still picking up their slack- now just with elder care for our parents.

Read Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. Golden children, heroes, rebels, addicts, lost children, peacemakers, caretakers and scapegoats etc., don't occur in nondysfunctional families. It is caused by the lack of a healthy relationship between the parents. There is usually generational dysfunction from the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

The golden child is committing disability fraud through the VA, which is how he has two houses. He regularly screams at his mother. The scapegoat is finishing a grad degree in an AI field and does not speak to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. We had a golden child and the scapegoat. I think a lot of scapegoats don’t realize that sometimes it really is something they’re doing. My sibling was an incredibly hard child to raise- wild, didn’t follow rules, they slept little, never did chores. It actually made me into the golden child. It was no fun being the golden child. I have a lot of anxiety and never felt like I could let me parents down. I was always performing and had to be perfect. My parents often cried about my sibling and I had to pickup the slack. I didn’t get much attention. Oh and I had to do all their chores which I’m still bitter about.

I wonder sometimes if my sibling had been more easy going if my life would have been easier too. As it stands I’m still picking up their slack- now just with elder care for our parents.

Read Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families. Golden children, heroes, rebels, addicts, lost children, peacemakers, caretakers and scapegoats etc., don't occur in nondysfunctional families. It is caused by the lack of a healthy relationship between the parents. There is usually generational dysfunction from the grandparents.

+1. I would not want to be the Golden Child for all the money in the world, from what I have seen first hand (more than once)!

[Anonymous]

I started to type out a response but I just can't. I"m sorry but this is too painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. We had a golden child and the scapegoat. I think a lot of scapegoats don’t realize that sometimes it really is something they’re doing. My sibling was an incredibly hard child to raise- wild, didn’t follow rules, they slept little, never did chores. It actually made me into the golden child. It was no fun being the golden child. I have a lot of anxiety and never felt like I could let me parents down. I was always performing and had to be perfect. My parents often cried about my sibling and I had to pickup the slack. I didn’t get much attention. Oh and I had to do all their chores which I’m still bitter about.

I wonder sometimes if my sibling had been more easy going if my life would have been easier too. As it stands I’m still picking up their slack- now just with elder care for our parents.

This is how my mother justified being the Golden Child. In reality there was little difference between her and my aunt other than the fact my aunt challenged family dysfunction.

Golden child in my family is unemployed, has legal battles of her creating, marriage went up in flames due to her cheating and being emotionally abusive, challenging relationship with her child and friendships fall apart often. I am the scapegoat. My mother seemed to think I was the safe place for her rage and my sister even through adulthood would try to find things to blame me for which was strange since we saw eachother maybe once a year at family functions. When my children were being used as pawns and my husband was noticing they were getting worse, we distanced. Healthy choice for us. Mom continues to enable her GC, but now she has to deal directly with her-no unleashing rage on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. We had a golden child and the scapegoat. I think a lot of scapegoats don’t realize that sometimes it really is something they’re doing. My sibling was an incredibly hard child to raise- wild, didn’t follow rules, they slept little, never did chores. It actually made me into the golden child. It was no fun being the golden child. I have a lot of anxiety and never felt like I could let me parents down. I was always performing and had to be perfect. My parents often cried about my sibling and I had to pickup the slack. I didn’t get much attention. Oh and I had to do all their chores which I’m still bitter about.

I wonder sometimes if my sibling had been more easy going if my life would have been easier too. As it stands I’m still picking up their slack- now just with elder care for our parents.

This is how my mother justified being the Golden Child. In reality there was little difference between her and my aunt other than the fact my aunt challenged family dysfunction.

Golden child in my family is unemployed, has legal battles of her creating, marriage went up in flames due to her cheating and being emotionally abusive, challenging relationship with her child and friendships fall apart often. I am the scapegoat. My mother seemed to think I was the safe place for her rage and my sister even through adulthood would try to find things to blame me for which was strange since we saw eachother maybe once a year at family functions. When my children were being used as pawns and my husband was noticing they were getting worse, we distanced. Healthy choice for us. Mom continues to enable her GC, but now she has to deal directly with her-no unleashing rage on me.

Forgot to add my life as a scapegoat-I have a good marriage, close friends, a job I enjoy, kids I fiercely protect and I keep a low profile. I have learned the red flags and stay away from people who are gossipy, dramatic, mean-spirited, etc. When I start to hear my mother's voice come out with my kids, I step back and apologize and sometimes get therapy if I think I may be repeating any patterns. I see myself as flawed, but eager to improve and I apologize for mistakes. In my family of origin nobody apologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Don’t agree as the golden child just like the gifted child often not live up to the expectations in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the scapegoat. Sibling is the "golden" one (aka enabler). Sibling was successful right away; big academic success in hs, full ride scholarship to SLAC, professional school, selective residency and fellowship, strong career, marriage & 2 kids and picket fence. I barely graduated from hs, dropped out of college, and needed financial help all through my 20s. It was disastrous. In my late 20s I got it together and now have more education, money, and social prestige than "golden" sibling did. Stronger marriage than sibling, but never had kids.

It all came out in the wash.

Do you agree you were a difficult child? Sounds like you were difficult not just in high school but for more than a decade later? And no children for your parents to enjoy. Have you forgiven them for being the scapegoat after you took so long to get it together?

[Anonymous]

“ OP, there are videos on YouTube about being scapegoated, and what happens to the family scapegoat in adulthood. Often, this family member goes gray rock and then eventually no contact with their families who are unable to see them as anything different. But now they're almost 50, not 15, and they're done being treated badly. The scapegoat is usually the most emotional strong member of the family. That's why they can carry the weight of all of this, and come out the other side even stronger. They are often more successful than the golden child, too.”

God, this is me. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the golden child. I have an ok relationship with my sister, now, but her relationship with our parents is strained. I try not to play middleman or messenger but it happens sometimes.

I wouldn't say she is the scapegoat exactly, because it goes both ways: they each believe the worst of each other. It's not baseless - there was some classic favoritism, and she told some big lies in her teens - but none of them can forgive and forget, or communicate.

You are scapegoating your sibling right now. Why bring up what she did as a teen? Your parents were the adults. There is no way a child is responsible for family dynamics.

+1 exactly. I am the scapegoat in my family. Now 40 and very low contact with narcissistic mom. Decent relationship with golden child sibling.

It is hard to not have a difficult childhood and adolescent experience when the narcissistic parent sees the worst in you from birth. To spin this onto the child in the situation is the brain washing of the narcissistic parent on the golden child as well as other family members.

My narcissistic mother was always telling my siblings and family members what a bad child, useless thing, hopeless person etc… I was. Lo and behold I am actually quite secure, stable and with a loving family as an adult. My family never acknowledges how insane my mother’s treatment of me for decades was. Occasionally my golden child sibling will comment on how I was difficult. I used to go along with it but I am so over it now. I’ve realized as an adult in therapy that it wasn’t me that was difficult, it was a difficult and abusive situation that I was raised under. It is only natural that I would have developed the emotional issues I did.

Gosh, narcissistic parents absolutely brain wash the golden child, and the GC holds on tight because to acknowledge your parent could be so cruel to a child would force them to confront their role in the whole arrangement. Everyone is a victim, including the GC. But as an adult GC you can stop perpetuating the cycle by confronting this dysfunctional dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everyone who had this tough family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Sort of random, but one of the best fictional explorations on dysfunctional families and complex PTSD is the show "Flight Attendant" on HBO Max. The first season was incredible, second was less so. I'm sure it's not for everyone but I've watched it several times all the way through and I think they nail the family dynamics so well. I see something different each time I watch. (I was the scapegoat in my family of origin.)

[Anonymous]

I was the golden child my sister was the scapegoat. Both parents abused her. She's on 4th marriage, never went to college, is a SAH wife now. I have a graduate degree, one spouse, decent marriage but super high anxiety and depression. I have no relationship with anyone in my family including sister as seeing any of them is too painful.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat (that's me) moved far away to avoid getting drawn into that dynamic, living my best life. Have a somewhat distant but otherwise positive relationship with parents.

Golden child stayed golden until around age 40, when she suddenly realized that she was totally enmeshed with our parents and that the flip side of getting all their love and attention is that she also got all their expectations, meddling, neediness, etc. She basically does not speak to our parents anymore except to demand money (and I mean demand, she feels owed). My parents give it to her because it's the only way they ever see her or her kids. It's messed up.

Sister and I have no relationship at all, I only hear about this second hand from my mom, and when I do I say "I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds hard" but otherwise do not involve myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm the scapegoat and my next younger brother is probably the golden child, although not entirely clear now whether it was really my older brother to begin with. Five kids total. My older brother is a sad case. He was closet gay, and my parents rejected him. He is brilliant, but you wouldn't know it now. Was a national merit scholar semifinalist and graduated from Haverford. He lives with my parents and works as a caregiver. My younger brother is now the clear golden child. He is mostly doing fine, married with one kid and happy but with limited career success: self-employed in an artistic field and they struggle at times to make ends meet. He rarely attends family events, and has a testy relationship with most of the siblings. My younger two siblings are not married: one has substance abuse problems and is usually only semi-employed; the other got pregnant when she was 15 and has mostly gotten it together since then but has never maintained a serious relationship, and left raising her daughter mostly to my parents. I'm married with three kids, and have been quite successful in my career. Still the scapegoat.