If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

Nope! My sister is a little version of my sick mother, the same lack of empathy the same "what can YOU do for ME" thinking. They both would step over dead bodies on the street. They expect help 24/7 but you won't see a drop of water in the desert or a ear or a shoulder to cry on, EVER.

I relate to this. My sister and mother are completely about "what can YOU do for ME" and they every do some unwanted and inappropriate gesture for someone they decided was kind, it has strings and the beans are being counted. I remember back when I still put my mother on a pedestal there were so many instances of cognitive dissonance where I couldn't believe how easily she took advantage of the kindness of others with little appreciation. They both are extremely entitled and are so rarely capable of being content. If a random toddler greets me or a random dog wags it's tail and wants me to pet it it puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I seen "cognitive dissonance" used on this site a lot I've looked it up and still don't understand what it means can someone please explain to me like I've 5 what this mean? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

+1

DP here - this, for sure. Golden Children tend to be spoiled and petulant, like those before them. They perpetuate the favoritism nonsense. The situation never gets better, the narcissism and control issues only gets worse. Dh and I say that we would not want to be them, because their world view is so irreparably and adversely distorted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

+1

DP here - this, for sure. Golden Children tend to be spoiled and petulant, like those before them. They perpetuate the favoritism nonsense. The situation never gets better, the narcissism and control issues only gets worse. Dh and I say that we would not want to be them, because their world view is so irreparably and adversely distorted.

+1 Plus once you know what the deal is it's hard to look at them they're living in a pretty fake world and there is no talking to them in an coherent manner.

[Anonymous]

Golden child has multiple DUIs (that were never his fault, according to my mother), a dead-end job, a failed marriage, a kid he hardly sees (again, not his fault according to mom), and he lives in a garage apartment at my parent's house.

I'm the scapegoat & I'm thriving. I'm successful in my personal and professional life and I'm very happy.

I keep the relationship with my parents and sibling at a solid B+ status by having strict boundaries for myself. I never stay at my parents house when I visit with my family - we always do a hotel or airbnb. I never book a trip for longer than 5 days when visiting. I don't concern myself with my sibling's drama. I used to be involved when he was having financial and legal troubles, but it caused too much stress for me. Therapy taught me that I don't love someone less just because I don't make myself available to them 100% of the time. Also, learning that you can love someone but hate them at the same time and that's ok was a big thing for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Golden child has multiple DUIs (that were never his fault, according to my mother), a dead-end job, a failed marriage, a kid he hardly sees (again, not his fault according to mom), and he lives in a garage apartment at my parent's house.

I'm the scapegoat & I'm thriving. I'm successful in my personal and professional life and I'm very happy.

I keep the relationship with my parents and sibling at a solid B+ status by having strict boundaries for myself. I never stay at my parents house when I visit with my family - we always do a hotel or airbnb. I never book a trip for longer than 5 days when visiting. I don't concern myself with my sibling's drama. I used to be involved when he was having financial and legal troubles, but it caused too much stress for me. Therapy taught me that I don't love someone less just because I don't make myself available to them 100% of the time. Also, learning that you can love someone but hate them at the same time and that's ok was a big thing for me.

Why go through all the effort for a fake relationship as you will never be as good as your brother in your parents eyes (even though we know that's NOT the case). Why continue with this charade? I don't get the point.

[Anonymous]

My sister is a narcissist with two adult daughters. The older one is the golden child; the way they talk about her you would think she has a halo and walks on water. This daughter has always struck me as sort of a cardboard cut out, like I don't know who the real person is? Always has a strong opinion, interjects it. Has a "Let me tell you what you don't seem to understand" type of personality even with family elders. Suffers from anxiety. Recently divorced. The leash is very short between my sister and this daughter, and they are in constant communication by phone and text multiple times per day. DD is relocating back to where the parents live to be close by. Daughter is now a single mother and back on the dating market at 40, and living in an apartment.

Younger daughter (late 30s, the scapegoat who could never do anything right and still cannot) has been in a relationship with the same partner for probably 15 years now and seems very happy, and stable. Has a job she is good at, and enjoys, and coworkers like her very much. Has a fantastic sense of humor about everything that goes wrong, is low key, and low stress. Has a "just tell me where you want me to be, it's all good" kind of personality. Easy to be around generally. No kids, but has a house. Lives near the parents, but had a rocky relationship with Mom as a kid and teen. Seems to exhibit good boundaries, and is herself at all times. Take it or leave it. Mom turns to older daughter with everything, anyway, which leaves younger one able to fly somewhat below the radar.

[Anonymous]

If/when the scapegoat leaves, they are replaced. Sometimes with the golden child.

[Anonymous]

I am the scapegoat. Borderline mother I'm no contact with for 15 years.

I have the best marriage; kids and an amazing career.

Sister who was/is the golden child. Got her degrees but never worked a day in her life, sweetly begs her rich husband when she wants things and has two kids who are scared to do anything without her permission. They are both quite bright though and think I'm too "alternative".

I'm happy; they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Idk about scapegoat, but I am the one who had to be perfect and always had less support, fewer things handed to me despite that. My brother could mess up and be loved and supported. I've always felt that love was very conditional on how I did/how I looked/how I acted. We have turned out about equally in life: wonderful spouses, stable, generally happy. We do not get along that well and are not close at all.

[Anonymous]

I am still somehow the scapegoat, but I am low contact, happily married, enjoy my line of work and have great kids. I have friends and am content, but my life has certainly not be at all easy.

GC got fancier degrees and fancier career, but torched it all. She was used to special treatment and threw a diva fit when her workplace didn't treat her special enough after a number of years. Relationships also go up in flames because she feels entitled to do less and needs to be showered with attention. She is still very enmeshed with mommy and has her funding a large portion of her expensive lifestyle. She goes into bouts of depression and somehow blames me even though we have never been close, I rarely speak to her or see her.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Scapegoat has a sad life dependent on GC, who convinced parent to leave him the house they both live in. GC is still unmarried, is an extra in local movies/tv, spends my parents hard-earned money on himself, internet ladies, his partier friends and donating to MAGA republicans.

[Anonymous]

I'm the golden child. My brother was very difficult and still is. He has borderline personality disorder, and is hard to be around. Financially we're about the same, although I was always a better student and today am more stable, with a family and house. He's still living in apartments and hopping from job to job, although he earns a high salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the golden child. My brother was very difficult and still is. He has borderline personality disorder, and is hard to be around. Financially we're about the same, although I was always a better student and today am more stable, with a family and house. He's still living in apartments and hopping from job to job, although he earns a high salary.

Wow, spoken like a true golden child, still speaking about your sibling in a way that blames and drags them down. Yikes

[Anonymous]

I am kinda both. I think I was more golden child for my dad than my younger brother who he didn’t get along with at all when younger and I was more of a Scapegoat for my mom because she spoiled my brother since my dad roughed him around , but it reversed to golden child to my mom and scapegoat for my dad (who dates women my age and hates that I know how awful he was to my mom now )

They hated each others guts.