If you were from a family with a golden child and scapegoat, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both the "scapegoats" in our families, but only to the extent that we allow it, which is less and less. We helped the golden child in DH's family for over ten years, but it was a thankless job, and led to serious problems, such that DH could not cover up (ENABLE) her/SIL/GC any more. It was no longer a possibility, because SIL adversely affected more than DH and I. Of course, SIL took it hard when the gravy train had to stop - and it was not really DH or I who made that decision, as SIL had become a large issue.

In my family and DH's family, the golden children were/are enabled and enmeshed so much for so long, that they now only see themselves, and whomever is either in their image, or whomever "yeses" them the most. It is entertaining to see in action, if not sad.

Being a golden child literally handicaps people, makes them dependent on their enablers, and creates a selfish, greedy, inward monster that can only cater to themselves and their own.

No thanks. Being the "scapegoats" in our families only empowered DH and I, and taught us so much about dysfunctional people, that we are able to avoid them, seek out healthy people, and do well on our own.

Golden children only see themselves, and expect the world to cater to them - that is not how the world works. Most healthy, mature adults know this.

[Anonymous]

To add, I do think that Golden Children have a problem with the Scapegoats saying no and standing up for themselves, but that is the Golden Child's problem, they just have to learn to deal with it - they are not accustomed to hearing "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the golden child. He was able to do very well in school, became a lawyer, is GC, has a mansion, has a rich wife who used to model, has two cute kids, always says the right thing, etc. Both my parents always take his side.

I'm the scapegoat. My mother never bragged about me. When she did talk about me, she'd lie and say what she wished I was. My father just never talks about me. Any time my brother has had one side of a story and I've had another, they've always believed him. It's easy to make me the scapegoat - I'm unimpressive in every sense of the word, at best. I'll never own a home, live in such a rundown apartment that I never have anyone over but am stuck with rent control so can't move, have a dead-end job but can't do anything else, etc.

My brother and I mostly get along, but the way he talks to me or about me in front of his children really bothers me. He is teaching them to see me ignorant, dangerous, unknowledgeable, etc. Our relationship is unbalanced because he can afford to do a lot more than I can.

That sounds sad. The good things are that you have a place to live and some type of job. Can you improve your life in any other way? I love the show Queer Eye - they know how to change someone's life by working with what they have.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Golden Child here - Part of the dynamic was being mom's best friend, which was inappropriate and suffocating. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to be the scapegoat?

The scapegoat is the family member the rest of the family blames for everything that goes wrong. There can be a narcissistic parent involved who projects their perceived best traits on to the golden child and their perceived worst traits on to the scapegoat. One child gets the parent's best attention, the other child all the parent's worst attention. For decades.

OP, there are videos on YouTube about being scapegoated, and what happens to the family scapegoat in adulthood. Often, this family member goes gray rock and then eventually no contact with their families who are unable to see them as anything different. But now they're almost 50, not 15, and they're done being treated badly. The scapegoat is usually the most emotional strong member of the family. That's why they can carry the weight of all of this, and come out the other side even stronger. They are often more successful than the golden child, too.

You literally described me. Took me nearly 50 years to realize WTF happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the scapegoat. I generally hate most people especially favored people.

Idk about the other kid, lost contact years ago

+1 SAME.

[Anonymous]

I like this thread but this is too close to home for me. I'm the scapegoat and was treated terrible, abused and the abuse was supported by everyone in the family. I will never be ok mentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like this thread but this is too close to home for me. I'm the scapegoat and was treated terrible, abused and the abuse was supported by everyone in the family. I will never be ok mentally.

You're doing better than you realize.

[Anonymous]

I'm the scapegoat. Sibling is the "golden" one (aka enabler). Sibling was successful right away; big academic success in hs, full ride scholarship to SLAC, professional school, selective residency and fellowship, strong career, marriage & 2 kids and picket fence. I barely graduated from hs, dropped out of college, and needed financial help all through my 20s. It was disastrous. In my late 20s I got it together and now have more education, money, and social prestige than "golden" sibling did. Stronger marriage than sibling, but never had kids.

It all came out in the wash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the scapegoat in our large family. I ended up in a loving marriage with successful kids. I am not wealthy but comfortable which is considered worthless. I have grandkids that are the love of my life. My mother and my siblings hate me. Like HATE me. Things did not end up the way they thought they would. They are miserable and, for whatever reason, that makes me sad. At the end of the day we are all victims of severe dysfunction. I don’t have a relationship with any of them but would engage with one of them after mother dies as she is the driving force.

Scapegoat here. I am in a similar position. I think my family is furious that their position that I was a POS, based on nothing more than their own sick dynamics, did not bear out. They begrudge me my (pretty significant) success.

They can go to H-E-L-L where they belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Golden Child here - Part of the dynamic was being mom's best friend, which was inappropriate and suffocating. No thank you.

This was my "golden" (aka enabler) sister's role. I recognize that it was pretty awful. A lot of pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the scapegoat. Sibling is the "golden" one (aka enabler). Sibling was successful right away; big academic success in hs, full ride scholarship to SLAC, professional school, selective residency and fellowship, strong career, marriage & 2 kids and picket fence. I barely graduated from hs, dropped out of college, and needed financial help all through my 20s. It was disastrous. In my late 20s I got it together and now have more education, money, and social prestige than "golden" sibling did. Stronger marriage than sibling, but never had kids.

It all came out in the wash. [/quote

I could have written this to a T! My golden child sibling is so miserable and envious that I did alright. To them I’m only successful because of luck. Now I’m greedy, destroying the environment for traveling and only made it because of my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

[Anonymous]

My husband is probably the scapegoat in his family though I think his parents don't really like any of them; there are three kids. His younger sister is probably favored. His older brother spends a lot of his time with them, getting their attention, etc. As I said, I don't think they care. They retired and moved out of state about 20 years ago. My husband was physically abused and has had lots of damage from that. I really had no idea what this meant and how it would affect my life, but it has. The least of it is that he had chronic anxiety that I think he masked by being outgoing and talkative. He has done a ton of work. At one point I got in an argument with his mom and that was it. I realized my husband really didn't care and didn't like them at all, so we stopped making any effort. We don't see them, they don't contact our kids. They are extremely cold people. His former therapist described them as reptiles. They seem normal and are superficially nice. It's been so long I don't care and I'm glad our family life has been peaceful.

[Anonymous]

In my family, the golden child got married, is highly educated, had kids, and then went downhill from there. Never really had a career. Has successful kids and long lasting marriage, but seems unhappy in the marriage but pretends they are happy, and has health problems. Parents moved away from scapegoat to be near golden child. The scapegoat had an okay career for a while, got married, had kids, divorced, and doesn't have a support system. Family unconsciously treats scapegoat like outsider.